Life cut in two

I keep forgetting that I don’t have some things anymore, because I left them in my past. And so when I look for things like my boots, or orange cat, or old school stuff, or my pink dress, my collection of books… I remember I don’t have it anymore. I didn’t choose to misplace all this stuff,  it just sort of happened. All it took was a little razor blade to cut my life in two. Separate my past from my now. I live this weird life with a past, and a different past that almost seems like it didn’t exist, only it did. It feels like an intermission period sort of. So, for most of you, life went on for that time continuously… but not me. It was like my life went on a detour that nobody knows of, so when you ask me about my life, and I tell you how horrible it is, you simply don’t get it. It’s alien to you. Then I wonder why you asked, or even better I wonder why I talked about it. It’s like I’m talking about something I might’ve imagined. You wonder why I even have these feelings about something that isn’t real. But no, I shit you not, it really happened. So the next time I tell you I am upset because I can’t find a book, or my stuffed animal, or my family, or some clothes, just… well I’ll keep it to myself then. I forgot I severed that part of my life. 

Bad dreams

I had another bad dream. In this one, I was sleeping outside a shop of sorts in a strip mall. I was working at subway and it wasn't open yet, so I was sleeping outside, because I was homeless. When it finally opened, I didn't know what to do or how to do things. There were so many people ordering stuff, and I didn't know how to do it. And my things were all over this shop. Like my dresser and my clothes and stuff. And my dad (adoptive) walked in to the store because he was the manager. And he started grabbing my stuff and loading them on to a dolly and throwing them away, or taking them. And I had to keep working, because I couldn't afford not to, but I stopped and followed him out screaming for him to give me my stuff back. And just asking him why he was doing this. I was sobbing and people were watching me and I just kept looking around screaming for my mom to get him to stop. Only he was really angry and just kept throwing my stuff away. And mom only just looked at me, but wouldn't stop him. And people would just look at me but not try to help me or stop him. I was begging him to stop and he simply wouldn't. And I remember Jacob being in that dream too, being one of the people that just looked at me. Not a look like they felt sorry for me, but just a look of you deserve this. And I was completely helpless.

This was my awful bad dream. I woke up weepy from it, remembering that there's nothing I can do about that. They do have a lot of my stuff. But stuff is just stuff. Idk, that wasn't the part that made me sad. It was the part where I realize I'm no longer loved by them that stings.

Engaged

A year ago I was engaged.

Then again, a year ago, one month after getting engaged, I never talked to him again. Well, once, when I went to California. He was still an asshole.

I wonder sometimes, more often than not. When is somebody going to love me?