Abba

"Abba, abba, abba."
"Father, father, father."

Bear with me, I'm gonna be all over the place with this one, so get ready:

Today, I came upon the realization of a few things, but most importantly, that I need to stop and ask for directions. Whom am I asking? Good question.

So I had an episode of deep confession and a sort of letting stuff out before I exploded, again. This happened randomly after work, while talking to my good friends Stan and Jon. Well mostly Jon. 

I came upon the realization of how starved I am for not just the word of God, but community in God. And that's when everything just came flowing. I have 0% support in this area. I don't have a church I call home, and therefore I feel homeless. I don't have anyone who really has my same views, so I feel lonely and lost. And so, when my friends who aren't into the whole idea of God, complain about going to church, or bible study, I automatically scoff with them. And I am ashamed of myself. I love bible studies. I love church, and would love to have a community of sorts. I would love to be surrounded by people who just know how to love and have love for Christ. Instead, I have become a whiner and a hater and just a horrible, "Christian."

I don't consider myself a conventional Christian. I don't care for church, I would love to learn my bible, but my main focus is on Christ himself, and I just want to do what he wants and has planned for me, and he leads, I follow sorta way. I've been through an array of churches, from Pentecostal to Mormon to Bible thumping Baptists. I can't say I've agreed with any of them. I want the core stuff, the nitty gritty, simplified version of it all. In short I love Jesus and that's kind of really the only person I'm willing to please.

So, I have a breakdown at work. My major problems? I'm a feral kitten. I'm so starved for love and attention that I'll take it however I can. I'm so starved for it that usually all that happens is I get hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve, my compassion is a strength as well as the easiest way to destroy me, and I keep it in plain sight.

So. As I sat in a teary, sobbing overflow of emotions, I announced that the only reason I stay in these horrible relationships is because I am terrified that no one else will ever want me. That I'm not good enough for anyone else. And it leaves me as always the person that will never do the leaving, but will always be left. I announced that I'm angry at God, and I avoid him because I feel that I have suffered through heartbreak my entire life. And of course, the thought of, "no servant is above his master..." Comes to mind. And I still have such saddness about it. My biggest thing I cry out to God with is, "When is it my turn? When do I get to be happy?" And I get upset feeling my prayers go unanswered.

Abba. Father. You want us to call out to you. He shares out times of sorrow and need. And our joys give him joys. Always call out. And I find myself always selfishly calling when I want or I need.

For the majority of my life, I've felt fatherless. I've looked for father figures in anyone, teachers, boyfriends, friends anyone. Also motherless. I needed parents, because mine have always been busy, not being parents. I even came across a wonderful set of new ones for a while... I can attribute a lot of my good morals to them. For one thing they've taught me to love. I no longer have them in my life...

And this whole time, I could've just called out "Abba. Father!!" Those times when I've needed love, and protection, and guidance. I needed my father, and what better one than Him. This realization took me 24 years one month and 8 days to grasp.

I have all these questions. When will I be loved? And I feel the answer, "You are." Yes, but how come I haven't met my future husband, I'm lonely and its not the same as your love? "Not yet. Patience, and keep your focus on what you should be. Do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't love me as you do? What will happen to your morals? What about your relationship with Me, it isn't so great..."

The list goes on and on. What I'm saying today, is I need a shift in focus. I have been so busy worrying about trying to please everyone else but God. I've been putting him at the bottom of my totem pole. Funny how the things I lecture and feel so strongly about, I turn around and do to the one who loves me the most. I'm ungrateful, I take for granted, I use, abuse, I am selfish. The same arguments I have been having with someone for years and months and weeks and days, "Love me, love me, love me, I love you." And it hits me that its almost the same thing Jesus has been trying to say to me. I need to make up my mind. I can't serve two masters. I can't just walk all over his unconditional love. And I do it, and only because of his never-ending grace, that he doesn't leave me, or give up on me. And no matter how much he forgives me, I do it all over again. Ouch. Lesson learned, I got hit where it hurts.

This whole time I've been focusing my attentions, tunnel vision style on someone who has been treating me, the way I treat Christ. And it stings tenfold now, because I feel like a giant piece of crap... But the only thing different is, I am not a perfect being. Eventually, my heart will give up on this person and leave it to the hands of the expert... So, what now? A shift in focus. I need to make up for all this wasted time. My heart is in the right place, its just a matter of making my mind and flesh follow through. And so I call upon you, oh Abba, oh Father.

Romans 8, inspired this entry.

Wow.

Haven't been here in a while.... Sorry blog, my life is an absolute wreck. I had Berto's funeral today. That was horrible. I have a heavy broken heart and I don't know how long it'll be until its fixed.

Life cut in two

I keep forgetting that I don’t have some things anymore, because I left them in my past. And so when I look for things like my boots, or orange cat, or old school stuff, or my pink dress, my collection of books… I remember I don’t have it anymore. I didn’t choose to misplace all this stuff,  it just sort of happened. All it took was a little razor blade to cut my life in two. Separate my past from my now. I live this weird life with a past, and a different past that almost seems like it didn’t exist, only it did. It feels like an intermission period sort of. So, for most of you, life went on for that time continuously… but not me. It was like my life went on a detour that nobody knows of, so when you ask me about my life, and I tell you how horrible it is, you simply don’t get it. It’s alien to you. Then I wonder why you asked, or even better I wonder why I talked about it. It’s like I’m talking about something I might’ve imagined. You wonder why I even have these feelings about something that isn’t real. But no, I shit you not, it really happened. So the next time I tell you I am upset because I can’t find a book, or my stuffed animal, or my family, or some clothes, just… well I’ll keep it to myself then. I forgot I severed that part of my life. 

Bad dreams

I had another bad dream. In this one, I was sleeping outside a shop of sorts in a strip mall. I was working at subway and it wasn't open yet, so I was sleeping outside, because I was homeless. When it finally opened, I didn't know what to do or how to do things. There were so many people ordering stuff, and I didn't know how to do it. And my things were all over this shop. Like my dresser and my clothes and stuff. And my dad (adoptive) walked in to the store because he was the manager. And he started grabbing my stuff and loading them on to a dolly and throwing them away, or taking them. And I had to keep working, because I couldn't afford not to, but I stopped and followed him out screaming for him to give me my stuff back. And just asking him why he was doing this. I was sobbing and people were watching me and I just kept looking around screaming for my mom to get him to stop. Only he was really angry and just kept throwing my stuff away. And mom only just looked at me, but wouldn't stop him. And people would just look at me but not try to help me or stop him. I was begging him to stop and he simply wouldn't. And I remember Jacob being in that dream too, being one of the people that just looked at me. Not a look like they felt sorry for me, but just a look of you deserve this. And I was completely helpless.

This was my awful bad dream. I woke up weepy from it, remembering that there's nothing I can do about that. They do have a lot of my stuff. But stuff is just stuff. Idk, that wasn't the part that made me sad. It was the part where I realize I'm no longer loved by them that stings.

Engaged

A year ago I was engaged.

Then again, a year ago, one month after getting engaged, I never talked to him again. Well, once, when I went to California. He was still an asshole.

I wonder sometimes, more often than not. When is somebody going to love me?

Hoka hey!

Brandon Ottens taught me my senior year of high school, that "Today is a great day to die!"
Not for me, for everyone else. This was to be my battle cry.... and I haven't ever really used it. No, I'm not gonna go on this killing spree, that would take so much work and make a mess and I'd just get caught and buttraped in prison... wait I'm a girl... uhhhh whatever happens to girls in prison.... anywho...

I guess, I have to start using my battle cry more often.

Motivation

Rocky Balboa:

I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilege  Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.



Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


Al Pacino's Inch By Inch speech from Any Given Sunday

I don't know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
and
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I'll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?


Rocky Balboa: I appreciate that, but maybe you're looking out for your interests just a little bit more. I mean you shouldn't be asking people to come down here and pay the freight on something they paid, it still ain't good enough, I mean you think that's right? I mean maybe you're doing your job but why you gotta stop me from doing mine? Cause if you're willing to go through all the battling you got to go through to get where you want to get, who's got the right to stop you? I mean maybe some of you guys got something you never finished, something you really want to do, something you never said to someone, something... and you're told no, even after you paid your dues? Who's got the right to tell you that, who? Nobody! It's your right to listen to your gut, it ain't nobody's right to say no after you earned the right to be where you want to be and do what you want to do!... You know, the older I get the more things I gotta leave behind, that's life. The only thing I'm asking you guys to leave on the table... is what's right.

Motivation

Reminder of why I gotta keep going.

Thanks friend.

Letter to my pastor.

I write this letter in a very urgent manner, I apologize in advance for my tone. I just happen to feel extremely desperate and I need your help.

Almost every night now, I stay up late hating myself. Because I feel that everyone else does. I have come to a point in my life, once again, where I question if I'm supposed to still be here. I'm tired. At my 23 years of age, I feel like have lived through way too much heartbreak. And I know, I know, "a servant is not above his master..." or however that goes.

I am having a hard time. And once again I am feeling suicidal. Or at least long overdue for some cutting. Not really suicidal then, but I spend a good 3/4 of my day fantasizing about it.  How everyone will be sad, and feel sorry and finally pay attention. Sick, isn't it. Guess my mind is like that now a days.

I don't know who to turn to, because well, at this point, I sort of have no one. I was abandoned by the ones I thought were my family. Sure, I have my biological family whom I am nothing but a burden to, all devoid of emotions and uneasy of mine. It feels like the only way they know to react to my overwhelming emotions is to get angry with me, or to ignore me. It shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it does. I have only one friend, whom I think I overwhelm to the point where he just doesn't want to deal with me anymore. So, I come to you.

Where do I start? I suppose by telling you this: I am angry, I am lonely, I am heartbroken, lost and tired. Why? Well I suppose that would mean recount the past few months of my life.

In February of this year, I was thriving. Two jobs, my own apartment, my own car, I had everything to be grateful for. But I still had a very broken heart. And so my mind was overwhelmed to where I went back to a very ugly old habit of mine: cutting. It got to a point where I did it every day. And it was getting progressively worse. I secluded myself in a world of my own, and even though everything looked good on the outside, I was falling apart at a very fast rate. To the point where I had planned out how to kill myself. Several times. And it was entirely horrifying to have those thoughts. But I had very little emotional output at this time. Mom (Shannon) was away with her brother dying of cancer, I had to stick to my routine of cutting and suppressing all my emotions. So it continued this way, until one day, mom asked me to come to California with her, so I could get away from it all.

And so, I didn't think twice. I wanted away from this heavy cloud that was over me. I packed everything up, and it was literally 3 days later that my things were packed and in the car to go to California. I left both my jobs, and my apartment and car were to be taken over by Jacob and Lexy. In the meantime we took baby Gabriel, whom I was to look after while he stayed up there with us, then as soon as he left, I was to find a job and get myself settled up there. Well, it didn't go that way. It was only going to be temporary, just to check things out up there, she said. Well I watched the baby and didn't do much of anything else, since it was just temporary. After the few weeks the baby was up there with us, Mom came back to Mesa with him and left me up there. I was to help her brother and his wife while she was gone. A fight ensued a little after she was gone, and mom said I shouldn't go over there anymore. So I stayed in our trailer, all alone, for another week or so, until her relatives from Sacramento came to rescue me.

In the time I was up there, my car got repossessed here in Mesa. Well duh, I hadn't made payments since I left. Not on insurance, or the car. I was under the assumption that it was going to get taken care of by Jacob and Lexy, since they used it more than I had. I lost the car and was devastated. And frustrated because I was powerless to do anything while being stuck in California. I also felt very abandoned by Shannon and the rest of my family. In the time I was up there, I lied to my biological family of where I was staying and my biological dad almost died of heatstroke. So I was scared, carless, ruined my credit and just lonely. I told Aunt Virgie of the situation, and she was really angry, but she decided she would pay for my car to be taken out of the impound lot, and for me to fly home.

I spent almost two months up there until Shannon came back. It was because Brett was dying. Again, she brought the baby with her, as well as Jacob and Lexy. So the day that Brett passed away, I was there. But I couldn't go back to the trailer with them, because there was no room in the car. I had to go back to Sacramento with the relatives. Well the next morning we drove out to Oroville again. And that's when all kinds of awful things were said about me. How I would lie and pit people against each other and all these things. Shannon was telling Virgie and Tiffany. Jacob and Lexy flew home the next morning, and Rachel flew in shortly after that. They went back to the trailer, and I was left in Sacramento because my flight was coming up. I was being pushed out, it seemed. Virgie wrote that check out to Shannon, who convinced me that I better use that check for rent, because my car was gone and I needed to find somewhere to work and that was going to take some time. So, that was the plan when I flew back.

Bill picked me up at the airport, bought me a few things at the grocery store and took me straight to my apartment, with no bed or any furniture. It was a few days until I got any of that back. And I was unable to go anywhere, being carless. I would call home, and no one would answer, I would leave messages and voicemails and was just so lonely, running out of food and groceries and rent date coming up close. I kept cutting. Even worse now, to the point where the scars just formed new scars over old ones.

Rent day came in and I called dad. No answer. Finally the eviction notice came. I called again. He said that money wasn't for that, that he had no way of helping me. I called mom in panic, and she said the same thing. I don't know how to help you. I was so helpless at this point and so angry and so frustrated that I decided I was done. And I slit my wrists. I got scared and started messaging the Samaritans instead. They traced my phone line back to the Stark house and they were directed to my apartment from that point. I got tons of calls from Shannon, none of which I answered. I called my biological brother to come get me, and take me to the hospital. I was taken by the police, and my phone was taken away from me.

My biological mom went to the hospital to see me, to get her car keys, since I had borrowed her car that day. I didn't want anyone to see me, so the nurse staff didn't let her in. She says she went back to my apartment to get my cats. At this point Shannon and Lexi were in there taking stuff, that was theirs. Shannon sent me a message saying she had gone to the hospital but they wouldn't let her in. My mom says that's what she told Shannon. So I guess I'll never know. 3 &1/2 weeks in a mental institution was where I spent most of my July. Not once did they look for me or try to come see me. They blamed everyone else for me doing what I did. Also, the day I got out, I discovered my phone was disconnected. I felt like I was just thrown away.

After I got out, I didn't go to therapy. Who can afford it? I don't even have health insurance. I stayed a month in Mexico, and from when I came back until now, I have been in the same room, on the same bed, day in and day out. I am paralyzed by this depression. I don't know what to do with myself. For 6 years or so, I had a stable-ish family. One whom I didn't mind giving up my paychecks for, helping around the house, running errands, helping to raise Hannah and Gabriel. I thought they loved me. I truly did. And I have never felt like such a fool in my life. Now I'm back to my ugly reality. Where my mom works for minimum wage and has to support my little sister and now me.Where every two weekends she drives down to Mexico to see my dad. And my life is just this. She has no sympathy for me, she is frustrated that she can't support me, and I feel like an enormous burden. I have gained so much weight, so not alot of my clothes fit. I don't feel adequate to go to a job interview, in fact I am scared to death of them.

I feel like they can automatically see my emotional brokenness, and don't want to hire me. And so I'm practically useless. And I am reminded of it almost every day.

So, here's my main dilemma: I know that I need Jesus in my life. I know that's why I'm writing this letter, to you in particular. I know that. But I am scared, and upset, and feel so alone, to the point where I don't know where he is. I try to pray and most days, it's like he's not there anymore. So I get angrier. And I go in the opposite direction some more.

I feel like, because Shannon led me to Jesus in the first place, I feel like I don't get him anymore. I am living in a Catholic household who demands I embrace the Catholic church again, since "that's what I get for trusting Christians." It's been boiled down to that: Shannon is a Christian, and she hung me out to dry, therefore it's wrong to be a Christian, and I'm stupid if I still want to be one. That's my family's way of thinking.

And I am slightly guilty of associating Jesus that way. And I know I shouldn't. I feel so alone. And very frustrated. And I know I need Jesus, I do. I just don't know how to go about getting him again.

I wish I could meet up with you, and talk about this more.
It's just so much and so overwhelming. But I just need to talk to someone about it. Because it is eating me up inside and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Odd nightmares...

I dreamt that I was in my Grandmother's house and that it was haunted and she couldn't go into certain rooms, especially not the one on the fifth floor of a mansion she had gotten from a marriage. It was dark and really long hallways led to other rooms but we stuck to the staircases. We would go up to the fifth floor and try to coax out whatever was in that room. In the shadows there was something evil lurking and it would cause me great fear, but curiosity kept me wanting to see what was in the room. A little white half-eaten dog came out of that room, but we ran downstairs again. My grandma was afraid, but wouldn't leave the house. The pastor came to try and bless the house but whatever was in there was too powerful so he begged us all to leave. I went up there again and fought a demon or the devil, I don't remember the outcome. We ended up leaving the house in rafts or Kayaks or something over some really warm water.

hai

Dear Blogger,

I have become addicted to Tumblr, because well it's Cal's fault.

sorry I don't post on here anymore ever...

I suck. v.v

Peter Pan

I feel like one of the lost boys. Only I'm a girl, that refuses to grow up. Well not really refuses, I just kinda royally suck at doing so. I did at one point had all the grownup things, but the child me, the one that likes to run and hide, decided to run away to California. Not the smartest thing I've done. I think I've ranted enough about it, and I need to start doing something about it. That's the hard part, the beginning. That initial oomph needed to get the ball rolling. Not that I've lost any of my work ethic. But it's deff time to grow up. Wendy's last night in the nursery. I have always loved that book. Wendy Moira Angela Darling. She had to grow up. Can't spend her whole life making up stories

Totem Pole

I needed somewhere to get my priorities straight...

 Because right now they look more like a giant pile that is about to come toppling down on me. So I'm gonna stack them like a totem pole. Only, I'm not very good at doing that, because I'm of the disorganized sort. Only I'm really not, so maybe I should stop being what I'm not, and start being who I am, or was, or idk. So back to my list of priorities, number one should be getting my life back on track. I keep saying I'm stuck in this rut, but not really doing anything to fix this situation.
So come to find out I'm the problem... gwah... gotta fix me then.

love

This is true:

  This is you:

This is how we both feel:

 As for me, this is how I feel:

This is what I have:

And well...

Plan B, that's me

Feeling pretty shitty, and I know I'm not going to sleep tonight... I guess least I can do is cry my makeup off in the tub... and post here.  Why? Oh because, you know, my heart is a fucktard. Basically.

Today, my mom's friend's son asked me out. After me being dragged over to their house and having to listen to their gossip for almost 4 hours, we started talking and basically hit it off. So you know, our moms joked about how we were in love, I blushed, he blushed... whatever. Next thing you know, We're talking about random stuff and he's like, so what are you doing next weekend? And I was like uhhh probably nothing, why? And he was like, well we should hang out, go to the movies or something, get dinner, hang out. I like you, you're funny and I wanna get to know you, he says... and immediately my heart got overwhelmed.

A) I haven't been asked out on a date, since like... well Gabe. Like completely unexpected, let's go on a date thing. Hanging out is different. And he's a good looking guy. Let's remember where my confidence is...

B) I immediately thought of the following person: Cal. Up to now, I figured we're basically in a relationship. Only, not really. We're practically still single, but a lot of my emotions are attached to him. Also, it doesn't help that I just kissed him on Friday (today is Sunday... well was.) So that being said, a date would possibly require some hand holding. Again, something I just did on Friday, with Cal. Now, a date would possibly lead to date-ing, which leaves very little room for Cal. And that would mean I can no longer kiss, hold hands, or do other things with Cal. And that makes me uncomfortable. Because I don't want to do any of that with anyone else. Especially letting anyone else put their hands on me. I feel like I shouldn't let anyone do that.

C) Reminder that Cal isn't my boyfriend. I more than likely hold no romantic future with him. If it was up to me, yes. But it's not. Which sucks.

So... I am still rather excited from point A, and I just post that shit on Tumblr. Why? Because sometimes a girl wants to prove she isn't a total loser and still gets asked on dates. Dates that I am free to talk about anywhere and not have to hide or pretend they didn't happen.

And then the conversation starts. And the gyst of it is:

C- Woah, you got asked out?
Me- yeah kind of, I haven't answered
C-Well... I don't know if I should be jealous or happy
Me- uhh... *immediately regrets post*
C-*basically apologizes for keeping me tied up*
Me-*hates my life, because I kind of wanted you to put up more of a fight* Well...*wait... does this mean you don't care?* I feel like I should ask for your permission...
C-you don't have to
Me-*confused... so you don't care... well fuck. wonders if going on this date is a good idea, you know to see what's out there* yeah, well... *I don't really wanna go*
C-*apologizes some more, how he doesn't deserve me... (I most deff feel like shit)*
Me- "You know you're my first choice, always. If I knew that waiting for you would get you, I wouldn't think twice about it. But I don't know. And the more I think about it, the less I want to go anywhere with anyone that isn't you. But then what am I to do? Sit and wait and be plan B. What if plan A works? I still lose."
C-*more apologies*
Me- Do your math work... we'll talk about this after
C- yeah well we can talk if/when I run to Walmart
Me-kay
*homework help* homework help* homework help*
done with homework
awkward conversation about gun ownage and other light topics
C-Kay, I'm going to bed, sorry again
Me-*no Walmart trip mentioned, no more about the conversation*
C-Posts on his blog.


-_-


So... basically I don't know how to feel right now. Bummed doesn't begin to describe it. See, this was just a "Let's hang out." thing I got invited to. I don't know if this guy has a girlfriend. I don't know if he's gay. I don't know if we're even going to call it a date. I don't even know if this is something. But, I felt so easily surrendered. And that kind of hurt more. So, pardon me, guy #2, but I probably won't feel like "hanging out" on Saturday. I don't know. Part of me does, because as stated above, I'm scared that I'll always be stuck as plan B. But then, what?


I don't know.


For now, I'll do what I do best... go cry in the bathtub. Why? Because sometimes, I wish you would stop me from doing stupid shit. Sometimes, I wish you would want me enough. And sometimes, I wish you realized how hard I try to keep you, but when the tables are turned, it isn't the same amount of energy. And this is just a "hang out." But you know, all is lost, too bad, so sad, okay I'm over it. That kind of felt like your reaction. Hurts. Cest la vie? Guess so. Kay bye.