Feeling pretty shitty, and I know I'm not going to sleep tonight... I guess least I can do is cry my makeup off in the tub... and post here. Why? Oh because, you know, my heart is a fucktard. Basically.
Today, my mom's friend's son asked me out. After me being dragged over to their house and having to listen to their gossip for almost 4 hours, we started talking and basically hit it off. So you know, our moms joked about how we were in love, I blushed, he blushed... whatever. Next thing you know, We're talking about random stuff and he's like, so what are you doing next weekend? And I was like uhhh probably nothing, why? And he was like, well we should hang out, go to the movies or something, get dinner, hang out. I like you, you're funny and I wanna get to know you, he says... and immediately my heart got overwhelmed.
A) I haven't been asked out on a date, since like... well Gabe. Like completely unexpected, let's go on a date thing. Hanging out is different. And he's a good looking guy. Let's remember where my confidence is...
B) I immediately thought of the following person: Cal. Up to now, I figured we're basically in a relationship. Only, not really. We're practically still single, but a lot of my emotions are attached to him. Also, it doesn't help that I just kissed him on Friday (today is Sunday... well was.) So that being said, a date would possibly require some hand holding. Again, something I just did on Friday, with Cal. Now, a date would possibly lead to date-ing, which leaves very little room for Cal. And that would mean I can no longer kiss, hold hands, or do other things with Cal. And that makes me uncomfortable. Because I don't want to do any of that with anyone else. Especially letting anyone else put their hands on me. I feel like I shouldn't let anyone do that.
C) Reminder that Cal isn't my boyfriend. I more than likely hold no romantic future with him. If it was up to me, yes. But it's not. Which sucks.
So... I am still rather excited from point A, and I just post that shit on Tumblr. Why? Because sometimes a girl wants to prove she isn't a total loser and still gets asked on dates. Dates that I am free to talk about anywhere and not have to hide or pretend they didn't happen.
And then the conversation starts. And the gyst of it is:
C- Woah, you got asked out?
Me- yeah kind of, I haven't answered
C-Well... I don't know if I should be jealous or happy
Me- uhh... *immediately regrets post*
C-*basically apologizes for keeping me tied up*
Me-*hates my life, because I kind of wanted you to put up more of a fight* Well...*wait... does this mean you don't care?* I feel like I should ask for your permission...
C-you don't have to
Me-*confused... so you don't care... well fuck. wonders if going on this date is a good idea, you know to see what's out there* yeah, well... *I don't really wanna go*
C-*apologizes some more, how he doesn't deserve me... (I most deff feel like shit)*
Me- "You know you're my first choice, always. If I knew that waiting for you would get you, I wouldn't think twice about it. But I don't know. And the more I think about it, the less I want to go anywhere with anyone that isn't you. But then what am I to do? Sit and wait and be plan B. What if plan A works? I still lose."
C-*more apologies*
Me- Do your math work... we'll talk about this after
C- yeah well we can talk if/when I run to Walmart
Me-kay
*homework help* homework help* homework help*
done with homework
awkward conversation about gun ownage and other light topics
C-Kay, I'm going to bed, sorry again
Me-*no Walmart trip mentioned, no more about the conversation*
C-Posts on his blog.
-_-
So... basically I don't know how to feel right now. Bummed doesn't begin to describe it. See, this was just a "Let's hang out." thing I got invited to. I don't know if this guy has a girlfriend. I don't know if he's gay. I don't know if we're even going to call it a date. I don't even know if this is something. But, I felt so easily surrendered. And that kind of hurt more. So, pardon me, guy #2, but I probably won't feel like "hanging out" on Saturday. I don't know. Part of me does, because as stated above, I'm scared that I'll always be stuck as plan B. But then, what?
I don't know.
For now, I'll do what I do best... go cry in the bathtub. Why? Because sometimes, I wish you would stop me from doing stupid shit. Sometimes, I wish you would want me enough. And sometimes, I wish you realized how hard I try to keep you, but when the tables are turned, it isn't the same amount of energy. And this is just a "hang out." But you know, all is lost, too bad, so sad, okay I'm over it. That kind of felt like your reaction. Hurts. Cest la vie? Guess so. Kay bye.
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