"Hi, I'm Annel, and I'm addicted to cutting. I haven't cut in two days" - me, on my first group session

So for those of you who didn't know, I was in the loony bin for 7 days. While there, I learned a thing or two. 


First things first Cal takes the cake for being the best friend ever. Seriously I think he came to visit more than anyone else did. I do believe he made my day every time he came to see me. Brought me Mickey D's sweet tea, Hello Kitty stuffs and snackies as well as all kinds of good hugs. Best fraand evar!!!


Also, I managed to get scared straight, regarding drug use. I met some very interesting characters, but that's a story for another day. Also I learned that I needed help. I didn't understand why I was in a place with a bunch of addicts until I realized this is my addiction. A terrible addiction that consumed me as well as put me one step closer to the grave. All it takes is going too far. So now that I got some help, some support, and some meds, I feel better (even though I hate the meds.)


I feel like I should apologize to those who I hurt. I'm sorry for swearing you to secrecy, I'm sorry for giving you the burden of making this something you had to keep secret, I'm sorry I wouldn't stop when you would ask me to, I'm sorry that now you feel guilty, please don't, I'm sorry I kept doing it, I'm sorry.

My world got turned upside down, maybe for the better. I have a new perspective of life. Mr. Brightside called it the death card. In tarot, when you get the death card, it actually means new beginings. I lost my job, my car, my so-called family, my home, my sanity... oh and my phone. I'm back to square one. Where I can start to rebuild all over. Maybe this isn't a bad thing. It's just what I make of it from this point forward. I now have to face the consequences of my actions, but I had forgotten that I am not alone. It's surprising who will step to the plate when you need them the most. And the ones who stood by and did nothing, they are the first to blame everyone else. On the plus side, I don't know if it's the Prozac talking but I have zero stress right now. All it took was 7 days away from everything. I think I should stop bottling things up. It's difficult because it's a habit, albeit a bad one. Same as my cutting. I have less urges but it doesn't mean they're gone. What used to be things I would bottle up and let them eat at me, now it's more out of guilt. Guilt and habit. I feel guilty because it's just something so taboo. My biological family rarely speaks about feelings out loud.


My sister said the best thing we can do is try and laugh about it. It is a serious problem, but it's amazing how much laughter can make it less powerful. Almost like when you are being bullied, and you give them a dose of their own medicine. It humiliates them, takes away their power. And so, every day we try more and more to laugh about it. Not because it was funny, but because it's something that I can beat. So I have found a few coping mechanisms. For one thing, being around those who care about me is very therapeutic. My cats seem to know I'm a little off and have been a bit extra lovey these past few days. I write in my journal as much as I can when I'm feeling anxious. I still have a few mood swings, but for the most part they have been manageable.


I have been sort of flying under the radar. Refused to see a therapist many times, and made it seem like something else. Cat scratches. It's an addiction. Now I realize I need to stop. Not just for me, but for all those who are concerned for me. I can't keep hurting someone they love. So it's time to stop, I'll need some encouragement along the way, but I do know I'm a tough bird. Which leads to one of my all time favorite quotes:


"Let me tell you something you already know. The word ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are: it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward: how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life." -Rocky in Rocky Balboa.

For some reason I picture God saying this. Hmmm.

Well as for me, my sleepy pills are kicking in, so good night. Also a very graphic post is coming up. I feel the need to warn you. There is a bit of a misconception I want to clear up, between my cutting and suicidal thoughts and actions. I guess this one is more for me and my therapist, who is now a reader (Welcome Doc!)  So, it probably will be on here in the next day or two. It's actually strange because I actually started this blog intending to post it (it's been lurking in my drafts folder) but I didn't want to let out my secret. Nothing good ever comes from keeping a secret. I have only told two people. One is also a member of my peanut gallery here. I'm so sorry for putting the burden on you, but I love you all the more for actually staying by my side. You are more than a good friend.