Liar

So I'll be in hiding for a while. Not really in hiding, I've just got to get my head back on straight. I have taken on a new view of things... total and complete apathy. My brain doesn't work like it's supposed to. My emotions are upside down and backwards. I am, in short, crazy. I have completely lost it. I apologize to the person I used to be, that's not me anymore. I used to be so smart, so brave, so driven and so confident. That's not me anymore. I have lost any aspiration I once had. I have been stripped of every ounce of confidence I had. I have been kicked while down, one too many times. And I am coming close to just giving up. I give up on everything. If I end up stuck here in Mexico, married to a drug dealer and forced to be a housewife, my parents would be proud. I seriously am considering it. I am starting to feel worse that a little down, guess I shouldn't have stopped taking my prozac, but I don't want to be depending on drugs for my happiness. So no more happy pills for me. I'm taking on the run away approach again. Not running away from anything, other than myself... again. I feel like there's an enormous weight just pushing me way down. I don't know how to get out from under it. And I don't want to talk about it because nobody understands me. My mom looks at it from her old fashioned, sheltered point of view. My dad takes on blame. My sister wants to bully me into talking. And I am not interested in talking.
So I have become such a good liar at saying that I'm fine. Everything is not okay. I'm not okay. And I don't know what it is that keeps me from saying it out loud. I am sad, constantly. I feel like I'm drowning. Every time I catch a breath, another wave comes crashing down and takes me down deeper. I am heartbroken and I don't know how to fix it. And it's a different type of heartbreak because this time it was me who let myself down. I killed part of me. I did it, and I can't undo it, and I have to live with the consequences of my actions.Well, I'll be here for a while, to try and cure my sad. In a way, I feel like it's for my own good. Leave town, start a new life, that was the idea in the first place. When I first left to California, that was the plan. But I didn't follow through. My stupid heart made me turn around and go back. For what? There's nothing there. When I ended up at the loony bin, that was also the idea. I was ready to start all over, and instead of pacing myself, I went at full sprint and burned myself out. I keep burning myself out. Because I thought I was going to be okay, I was going to be loved. Wrong again. Do me a favor and stop telling me you do. It only hurts worse. I just don't want to love anymore. I don't want to care. It's easier that way, when you don't feel. Right now I am being forced to feel and I don't like it. Because it's exhausting. I can't handle any negative emotion, because it is just intensified. Geez, does it have to suck so much? I have met some people who enjoy their crazyness. As much as I try to embrace mine, it's more of a life sucker. Lifesavers and lifesuckers. People in life are one or the other.
That missing piece. That something I lost. Or someone. I lost me. It's me. So how do I find me? I can't even string two thoughts together, let alone try to find myself. I'm trying to get away from me. The me that keeps trying to kill who I am. I keep trapping myself, to fit into all these molds because I just want to please everybody. I am starved for attention, starved for love. I am so good at confusing one for the other. Because I keep on thinking that I am being loved, when really it's just the attention while somebody gets something out of me. When there is no more for me to give, it's so easy to just say nevermind, I can't, I won't. And all this time I thought you loved me. You wanted me to learn to love? How, because if that's how you love then no thanks. I rather not. And you want the best for me? Wow. If that's the best, you sure have low standards for me. But then why drag it out so long. I called you my family, and you couldn't ever be that, without something in return. Thanks for loving me, then again no thanks. Because instead you made me feel like a cheap whore. And that's how much I feel is my worth. Because before you got me, I was fine. I didn't know I was neglected, unloved. I at least looked for happiness then, now I don't want anything to do with it.
Who taught me how to lie, who taught me how to be a hypocrite, who taught me how to hate myself? Maybe I had to teach myself, to stop from looking so stupid while you laughed in my face. I became one of the crowd. I killed myself, for you.  Not that you ever cared. You were just pretending. Liar.