I hate that I keep bringing myself down... Every time I feel like I should start looking on the bright side, someone or something keeps shutting the lights off. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on. Not really high up, just a whole lot of twists and turns and drops. So, what now? I have pushed everyone away and found that even in my alone-ness, I feel empty. That bit of me is still missing, and my resources are running out. The world is going on around me, and no matter what I do to try and make it stop, it isn't gonna. And soon enough 12 years will have passed and I'll still be here trying to figure it out. Trying to get it together. So how do I move on? How do I forget my past and just start over? And how do I get rid of this hideous thing that is just dragging me down? I feel like I'm in a hole and no matter what I do to try and get out before I'm buried, I keep getting pulled down. I feel like a prisoner. And where is that gonna leave me? Because time and time again, I try and keep failing. And when I don't try I feel down, but when I do and fail, all I have is despair. I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad. I am afraid that I can't control it. And I feel defeated. Above all else I feel defeated. All that's left for me to do is scream WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? Only, I have and there has been no answer. Major kick in the teeth. And well, I will go ahead and admit it. My faith is once again, shaken. I don't dare look to God after this. How could I? I feel betrayed and even worse like I am the traitor. Worse yet is that my faith was taught by my former family. The ones who turned completely away from me and left me when I needed them the most. I know I can't put the two in the same category, but how can I not. And then I feel worse. Because I miss that me. The one that got excited about church and sang along with the worship team. The one that had faith. I know, I should never rely on people, because they will always fail. I ignore this too much. You know, the whole heart on my sleeve thing. I feel like I can't get anything done while my feelings are out of whack. So how many more times am I gonna get kicked in the teeth? Pretty lousy question, because we all know the answer. That's life, they say. Well life, as we all know sucks. But you know, I didn't know it was going to be this rough. And I for one don't agree with it having to be so awful, to where I don't want it anymore. Hate that feeling... when something sucks so much you end up not wanting it anymore. So add to it that feeling of missing something. I have it at it's fullest. So really what's left is just a fragment of me. Because so many forevers have come and gone. And I'm still just here. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Actually this whole post is another one that consists of me bitching about myself and my shitty life. Well, thanks for those who still care to be part of it. I mean this in the least sarcastic way possible. Well... maybe all that's left is to stick around in the dark gloomy places awhile. Till I come up with a brighter idea. Well... sorry for the once again gloomy post. Tah-tah.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Even your shadow disappears at the darkest times
I hate that I keep bringing myself down... Every time I feel like I should start looking on the bright side, someone or something keeps shutting the lights off. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on. Not really high up, just a whole lot of twists and turns and drops. So, what now? I have pushed everyone away and found that even in my alone-ness, I feel empty. That bit of me is still missing, and my resources are running out. The world is going on around me, and no matter what I do to try and make it stop, it isn't gonna. And soon enough 12 years will have passed and I'll still be here trying to figure it out. Trying to get it together. So how do I move on? How do I forget my past and just start over? And how do I get rid of this hideous thing that is just dragging me down? I feel like I'm in a hole and no matter what I do to try and get out before I'm buried, I keep getting pulled down. I feel like a prisoner. And where is that gonna leave me? Because time and time again, I try and keep failing. And when I don't try I feel down, but when I do and fail, all I have is despair. I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad. I am afraid that I can't control it. And I feel defeated. Above all else I feel defeated. All that's left for me to do is scream WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? Only, I have and there has been no answer. Major kick in the teeth. And well, I will go ahead and admit it. My faith is once again, shaken. I don't dare look to God after this. How could I? I feel betrayed and even worse like I am the traitor. Worse yet is that my faith was taught by my former family. The ones who turned completely away from me and left me when I needed them the most. I know I can't put the two in the same category, but how can I not. And then I feel worse. Because I miss that me. The one that got excited about church and sang along with the worship team. The one that had faith. I know, I should never rely on people, because they will always fail. I ignore this too much. You know, the whole heart on my sleeve thing. I feel like I can't get anything done while my feelings are out of whack. So how many more times am I gonna get kicked in the teeth? Pretty lousy question, because we all know the answer. That's life, they say. Well life, as we all know sucks. But you know, I didn't know it was going to be this rough. And I for one don't agree with it having to be so awful, to where I don't want it anymore. Hate that feeling... when something sucks so much you end up not wanting it anymore. So add to it that feeling of missing something. I have it at it's fullest. So really what's left is just a fragment of me. Because so many forevers have come and gone. And I'm still just here. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Actually this whole post is another one that consists of me bitching about myself and my shitty life. Well, thanks for those who still care to be part of it. I mean this in the least sarcastic way possible. Well... maybe all that's left is to stick around in the dark gloomy places awhile. Till I come up with a brighter idea. Well... sorry for the once again gloomy post. Tah-tah.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
¨he touched the butt...
And it's not really that I want to oppose everything. It's just that sometimes, when people tell me not to do something, or that I can't do it, I get in this ¨Oh yeah? Watch me!¨mode. Oh yes I just realized I am using umlauts as quotation marks... it just so happens those are the closest thing, and Messican computers are wierd. Well anyways, back to touching the butt... yeah I should stop that! Not in the literal sense, but well you know what I mean. Besides, we all know I like sex too much. haha
Monday, July 9, 2012
Take it back
Once upon a time, I had the power to dream. I would chase that dream and would work as hard as I had to, for as long as I had to. I would push through it, fight against the odds, and one way or another I always got what I wanted. So why not now? What am I waiting for? So if the winds got knocked out of my sails, maybe it's time I switch course. Maybe I should stop thinking maybe's and actually start doing. Because being a bump on a log is getting me nowhere. So what I'm sad, so what I have worries. I keep taking for granted those who keep trying to pull me out. Make me snap out of it. Tell me what's what. So maybe I should listen.
I feel like I haven't been who I'm supposed to be, because I keep lying to myself. I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough and I'm not worth it. It might just be me mistaking my lazyness for apathy. Because it's always easier to accept defeat, isn't it. I don't remember always being the roll over and take it, kind. I don't know what it is that has made me be more or less lazy about my own life. Like I expect someone else to live it for me, to accomplish things for me, to make decisions for me. That's not right.
I can accept that I have depression, but instead of accepting it, why not fight it. Same with not having anything, like that had bothered me before. No, I may not have a job, my car, my apartment... but I do have a lot of stuff, and all that is replaceable... because it's just stuff. Now as for me and my blue mood, it comes and goes. I refuse to take my medication, because I don't feel normal. I feel like if that's the only way to control it, because my mind is too weak to do it on it's own, then what's the point. I feel like my mind is betraying me sometimes. Because that's what lies to me the most. That's where I feel the weakest, like I can't do anything ever again worth doing, because I have a problem. Something is wrong with me. And it's very difficult to accept that.
So what's my problem? Me. That about sums it up. I'm the one who has to deal with myself after all, if you don't want to be part of my life, then don't be. People come and go all the time. Not that I won't miss you, but maybe, just maybe, I should make myself my priority. Like I have said, life goes on guys and gals. So if I cry for you because I miss you, that's my business. Just like if I don't miss you. That's my business too. I can take care of myself. And even when I can't, there are always those around who take care of me. For the time being, gotta take care of myself.
Not that I don't appreciate those who are trying to help me, in fact I love you all the more, but help comes to those who want to be helped. And I do, but I need to get my ass up and do something too, I can't expect you to drag me around all the time. I don't like being anyone's burden, and I don't like holding people back. Because I understand when people have to live their own lives. Because no one is gonna do it for them.
Mexico
I haven't posted in a while, so this is going to be short and random. Actually it doesn't have anything to do with anything, but the other day I was remembering about Dee and how we met lol. And I decided I miss her face. Like alot. So this post is for Dee and her fun sized self, because she makes me feel like a giant! Yay Dee!
Also, just a little filler on what I've been up to... ummm being mosquito bitten, learning the simple life, learned that a horse can, in fact, carry my fat ass around. Learned sleeping outside on the hammock is a terrible idea, touched a fish, squealed and ran away, met a couple of kissing geckos, toads, and other sorts of wild life. Named a couple of baby cows today. You know, usual names like hamburger, meatloaf, philly cheese steak. Learned to make tortillas, and appreciate cooking outdoors, and learned to cook some deelish foods. Learned there are different types of mangoes, and they are all delicious. And I picked a fresh guava today, that was also magical tasting. So I've been stuffing my fat little face with foodstuffs.
We went to Puerto Peñasco for a week, that was fun, but there was an intense storm and it was kinda scurry looking out from the shore to the thunderstorm and turbulent water. My brother, sister and I just headed back to the hotel, only to be evacuated a few hours later, because the shore was rising... lame...
So, the next day we spent the whole day at a beachside restaurant, found a crab, some fish, seagulls... ick, I hate getting sand in my chacha! So anyways I found a swallow's nest outside our hotel door, she was too adorable! And she had little eggies! Ummmm what else... nothing else that was too eventful.
Soooo now I am itchy, and ready for bed.
Yay for checking in!
P.S. I miss Merica
Also, just a little filler on what I've been up to... ummm being mosquito bitten, learning the simple life, learned that a horse can, in fact, carry my fat ass around. Learned sleeping outside on the hammock is a terrible idea, touched a fish, squealed and ran away, met a couple of kissing geckos, toads, and other sorts of wild life. Named a couple of baby cows today. You know, usual names like hamburger, meatloaf, philly cheese steak. Learned to make tortillas, and appreciate cooking outdoors, and learned to cook some deelish foods. Learned there are different types of mangoes, and they are all delicious. And I picked a fresh guava today, that was also magical tasting. So I've been stuffing my fat little face with foodstuffs.
We went to Puerto Peñasco for a week, that was fun, but there was an intense storm and it was kinda scurry looking out from the shore to the thunderstorm and turbulent water. My brother, sister and I just headed back to the hotel, only to be evacuated a few hours later, because the shore was rising... lame...
So, the next day we spent the whole day at a beachside restaurant, found a crab, some fish, seagulls... ick, I hate getting sand in my chacha! So anyways I found a swallow's nest outside our hotel door, she was too adorable! And she had little eggies! Ummmm what else... nothing else that was too eventful.
Soooo now I am itchy, and ready for bed.
Yay for checking in!
P.S. I miss Merica
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