Even your shadow disappears at the darkest times

I hate that I keep bringing myself down... Every time I feel like I should start looking on the bright side, someone or something keeps shutting the lights off. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on. Not really high up, just a whole lot of twists and turns and drops. So, what now? I have pushed everyone away and found that even in my alone-ness, I feel empty. That bit of me is still missing, and my resources are running out. The world is going on around me, and no matter what I do to try and make it stop, it isn't gonna. And soon enough 12 years will have passed and I'll still be here trying to figure it out. Trying to get it together. So how do I move on? How do I forget my past and just start over? And how do I get rid of this hideous thing that is just dragging me down? I feel like I'm in a hole and no matter what I do to try and get out before I'm buried, I keep getting pulled down. I feel like a prisoner. And where is that gonna leave me? Because time and time again, I try and keep failing. And when I don't try I feel down, but when I do and fail, all I have is despair. I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad. I am afraid that I can't control it. And I feel defeated. Above all else I feel defeated. All that's left for me to do is scream WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? Only, I have and there has been no answer. Major kick in the teeth. And well, I will go ahead and admit it. My faith is once again, shaken. I don't dare look to God after this. How could I? I feel betrayed and even worse like I am the traitor. Worse yet is that my faith was taught by my former family. The ones who turned completely away from me and left me when I needed them the most.  I know I can't put the two in the same category, but how can I not. And then I feel worse. Because I miss that me. The one that got excited about church and sang along with the worship team. The one that had faith. I know, I should never rely on people, because they will always fail. I ignore this too much. You know, the whole heart on my sleeve thing. I feel like I can't get anything done while my feelings are out of whack. So how many more times am I gonna get kicked in the teeth? Pretty lousy question, because we all know the answer. That's life, they say. Well life, as we all know sucks. But you know, I didn't know it was going to be this rough. And I for one don't agree with it having to be so awful, to where I don't want it anymore. Hate that feeling... when something sucks so much you end up not wanting it anymore. So add to it that feeling of missing something. I have it at it's fullest. So really what's left is just a fragment of me. Because so many forevers have come and gone. And I'm still just here. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Actually this whole post is another one that consists of me bitching about myself and my shitty life. Well, thanks for those who still care to be part of it. I mean this in the least sarcastic way possible. Well... maybe all that's left is to stick around in the dark gloomy places awhile. Till I come up with a brighter idea. Well... sorry for the once again gloomy post. Tah-tah.