Once upon a time, I had the power to dream. I would chase that dream and would work as hard as I had to, for as long as I had to. I would push through it, fight against the odds, and one way or another I always got what I wanted. So why not now? What am I waiting for? So if the winds got knocked out of my sails, maybe it's time I switch course. Maybe I should stop thinking maybe's and actually start doing. Because being a bump on a log is getting me nowhere. So what I'm sad, so what I have worries. I keep taking for granted those who keep trying to pull me out. Make me snap out of it. Tell me what's what. So maybe I should listen.
I feel like I haven't been who I'm supposed to be, because I keep lying to myself. I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough and I'm not worth it. It might just be me mistaking my lazyness for apathy. Because it's always easier to accept defeat, isn't it. I don't remember always being the roll over and take it, kind. I don't know what it is that has made me be more or less lazy about my own life. Like I expect someone else to live it for me, to accomplish things for me, to make decisions for me. That's not right.
I can accept that I have depression, but instead of accepting it, why not fight it. Same with not having anything, like that had bothered me before. No, I may not have a job, my car, my apartment... but I do have a lot of stuff, and all that is replaceable... because it's just stuff. Now as for me and my blue mood, it comes and goes. I refuse to take my medication, because I don't feel normal. I feel like if that's the only way to control it, because my mind is too weak to do it on it's own, then what's the point. I feel like my mind is betraying me sometimes. Because that's what lies to me the most. That's where I feel the weakest, like I can't do anything ever again worth doing, because I have a problem. Something is wrong with me. And it's very difficult to accept that.
So what's my problem? Me. That about sums it up. I'm the one who has to deal with myself after all, if you don't want to be part of my life, then don't be. People come and go all the time. Not that I won't miss you, but maybe, just maybe, I should make myself my priority. Like I have said, life goes on guys and gals. So if I cry for you because I miss you, that's my business. Just like if I don't miss you. That's my business too. I can take care of myself. And even when I can't, there are always those around who take care of me. For the time being, gotta take care of myself.
Not that I don't appreciate those who are trying to help me, in fact I love you all the more, but help comes to those who want to be helped. And I do, but I need to get my ass up and do something too, I can't expect you to drag me around all the time. I don't like being anyone's burden, and I don't like holding people back. Because I understand when people have to live their own lives. Because no one is gonna do it for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment