So the other day, yesterday, maybe today, I woke up from a dream. My mom (not bio) was across the table from me, and she was crying. And she wanted to touch me, but I kept pulling away. She wanted to see my scars and I would just hide them, she wanted to talk but all I did was turn away. I remember waking up from this dream with some pain. It's not real. I can't keep creating things that I want to hear, or see, or feel. I can't keep creating feelings for others either. I'm not even in control of my own. Do I want to be rescued and told everything is going to be okay? More than anything. But I can't live in the past, just like I can't create feelings for everyone else. I just have to let it be. Move along, as the song that just popped on Pandora says.
There's no point in me just spending all my time thinking about what anyone is thinking about me. That's just a waste. A waste for me, a waste for those who want to know the real me. I miss you, but you're just a shadow. I'm sorry for whatever's happened, but I have to keep moving. I just have to.
I have come to the realization that my heart, hurt as it is, is very capable of love. Even after all the pain it has been through. I kind of like it that way. I have a good heart. Do whatever you want to it, it'll always love you. It's actually the one that trumps my ego and accepts apologies.
Idk why I felt I had to talk about this, but it's been sitting heavy on my heart lately. Most days I wonder if I am making the correct decisions, and I'm not going to lie, I am terrified. I hurt, but I have to stop sitting in the painful spots and keep moving forward.
Alice: Oh, no, no. I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.
^^advice I need to follow. Maybe
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