Heads or Tails

I guess there's two sides to everyone. Both sides are equally part of a person. To love a person, you must love both sides. You can't have it one way or another.

There's a me that deserves to be someone's world. The one that is a wonderful friend, a giver, a lover, the one with compassion and full of forgiveness and understanding. The one with that smile. That looks at you like you are her whole world, because you are. Who will gladly put herself aside, no questions asked, in order for you and your feelings. The confident, pretty one. The one that carries her heart on her sleeve and trusts you not to hurt it. Even if you do, she'll forgive you. Always. The one who likes to cook and bake and sing off key. That one with the laugh. The one that prays for you constantly, and refuses to give up on someone. The daydreamer.

There's a me that is forever angry. The one that hates herself and feels inadequate and like a big nothing.
There's a me that is defeated and sad. The one that has a constant broken heart and no matter what anyone tries to say or do, can she seem to smile. The one that is tired of life. The quitter. The cutter. The overweight, friendless, loser. The one that settles. The one that thinks the only way anyone will ever like her is if she has sex with them. The one that doesn't want me to succeed, but to die instead.

Heads or tails. I now have to chose which one is going to control this situation. I now have to chose what I am going to do. Am I going to stop throwing myself at him, and finally understand that he just doesn't want me? Am I walking away? Am I quitting? Am I going to forgive my most loved friend and be there for him, as I have always promised, even if it hurts me? It hurts me. When will I start being selfish for me? What about me? I hurt. I hurt either way.

So who's going to win? Heads or tails.

I hesitate. I flinch. I am at a point in my life where there's another road I can follow. I can break away from yours. I followed you down this road, up ahead is an exit. I don't know where it goes. It's always a one way road, can't go back. Will it meet back up with yours? I don't know. Will yours intersect mine some day? I don't know. Do I have the courage to let go of your hand and head down this way, without looking back? I don't know. Does it hurt? Yes.

I would love to follow you all the way to the end of your road. I can't. For one thing you won't let me. For another, I don't think I'm supposed to. My exit is coming up.

I hate when I try and promise myself I'm not going to cry. I know I will. I will cry for my loss, I will cry for all the effort I put into it, I will cry for all those memories, I will cry and try to run back and try to find you. But you'll be gone. You'll be gone, and there's no way for me to follow you because you didn't leave any tracks.

Do I keep on keeping on then? Follow you into the dark? Even if I get lost.

Right now my answer is simple. No. No more. No more hurting me. I will cry. I will cry because I'll miss you, and have no one to tell that I miss you. I will cry because I can't expect you to wait for me. I know you won't. You won't. I will cry because, I really did want you in my life forever. I invested in you with my whole heart. It was a terrible idea, but I did anyways. Because there's a big part of me that's a dreamer. I will cry for that loss. But at least I can cry until I meet someone else on my road. I don't have to keep doing tricks and backflips to keep you interested. Maybe someone will follow me down my road...

For now I think I'm going to listen to Marc and Angel: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/27/9-reasons-its-time-to-move-on/

I will keep moving forward then. Keep on keeping on. We don't know, maybe our roads meet again some day. We'll let the future us deal with that then. Right now I'm not prepared to, and I have to start walking. Even if it means in an opposite direction from you. I won't be far, at least I don't think I will be. We might catch glimpses of each other here and there, I'll make sure to give a passing nod. I don't know if there'll be more. I haven't gotten there yet. I am sitting with you at this fork in the road. Ready to go left as you go right. Not sure if ready, but knowing that I have to.

I love you friend. Don't forget that. I really do. Far and beyond better than in a romantic way, I love you as my dearest friend. This is truly crushing me, but I am too weak to go on this way. I'm sorry it has to go this way too. I wish you a happy birthday, with many more to come. I am sorry I can't be there for your heartbreak. I am sorry I can't be there to cheer you on through all your accomplishments. I am sorry. I love you. You still have a huge place in my heart, and I am still giving you that piece you took with you. I might ask for it back eventually. Till then, I guess this leaves us at a goodbye. I don't know yet. I haven't flipped that coin.