Tomorrow, if I feel better, I shall dedicate the day to being beautiful. And that means putting in the extra effort it takes. Now many, if not all of you, have at one point called me beautiful. I am going to go ahead and admit it: I think I have a pretty face. I have unusually dark eyes with a perfect blend of laughter and pain. I have an honest smile. I feel that my nose is a bit wide, and yet just so with it's habit of crinkling when I laugh. I have a round face that sometimes, when I smile just right, gets a dimple. Just one. I have a ton of little reddish brown freckles that are dotted on my cheeks, forehead and nose. And my eyebrows don't match. I'm cool with that. I have cute little hands and feet and my body is just short. Short little arms, short little legs, short torso. And some wide, baby making hips whom have the need to always bump into counters and get bruised. My body's way of punishing me for not having any babies yet. Lol. Anyways if I could pick out one word to describe myself with, it would be cute. And yet I see every single one of my flaws.
By flaws I mean my terrible skin that keeps breaking out. And the fact that I don't have even skin color on my face. Or anywhere else. I am short, and very much overweight, therefore the way my weight is dispersed throughout my smaller frame is not very cute. It's actually quite terrible. I hate wearing clothes with no sleeves because my arms are all kinds of fat. True story, my recent ex actually said something about them once and it really hurt my feelings. That asshole! Anyways... I have confused hair that is supposed to be curly, but because I straighten it almost daily, it is just poofy/wavy. It is very thin and also quite oily, so it requires daily washing for sure. Even though I won't wash it every day. At the same time, I'm a pretty hairy girl. I bought into the shaving my arms like during 7th grade, but by the time 9th grade came around I got sick of it and now my arm hair is super long. And gross. I have a fuzzeh lower back (that my sister waxed yesterday, so it's nice and smooth today but holy wow that was painful!!!!) So anyways I really hate shaving!!! It takes me forever!!!
Anyways. There is a beauty regimen that I follow sometimes. And it doesn't really mean caking on the makeup. As much as I love playing with it, sometimes I like just evening out my skin tone, tossing on some eyeliner and mascara and calling it a day. And those are usually my prettier days. I love me in jeans/ tee shirts and a ponytail. That is the classic Annel look. Don't forget the ultra straight side bangs and glasses. Mhmm. Now, I'm gonna go ahead and say that ever since I was diagnosed with depression, I can't seem to get out of my funk. I have noticed it has gotten progressively worse. My funk part, I think I'm doing pretty okay with the being depressed part. There is very little that I am sad about right now, and for the most part it's all stuff that can be fixed. So I haven't payed attention to it.
What I'm talking about is spending all my days at home because I'm still jobless, but I have fallen in a rut. And it's not even a good one. I have started living life as if it were "just another day" that I know for sure is going to be uneventful and just like the previous one. It has become: Get up, sometimes take L to school (sometimes I don't), fire up my laptop, probably message Cal, go pee, brush my teefers, wash my face, crawl back in bed. Around 10ish- 11ish I get hungry and make something to eat (brunch?), then I spend most of my day on the computer. Sometimes I relocate to the kitchen, living room, wherever... sometimes I don't. I do my usual job search, apply at a few places online, all while talking to my bestie. I get tired of that and eventually decide I better get dressed, so I jump in the shower/bath. 2 ish my brother comes home for lunch time and we hang out. Then the little one is off school so I walk over to meet up with her (sometimes I don't.) By the time she gets back, I have to whip up some sort of after school snack for her (sometimes her friends too) and I start cleaning and stuff. I always start in my room. It drives me crazy if my bed isn't made and the carpet isn't vacuumed. So I do that first, followed by dishes, making my sister take out the garbage, while I do the floors and plan for dinner. Sometime around 3, the twins come home from the sitter's house. My brother in law gets off work then, and they also get after school snack time. Also they make a mess over what I just cleaned. My mom gets home then too. Then either she or I take over dinner, then there are dishes. Homework is done and checked for any errors. By 10pm everyone is in bed, well except for me. I like to take a bath and unwind around that time. I also like to stay up late, until Cal goes to sleep and then some. Usual bedtime for me would be 2:30-3am. Wake up time next day: 7am. And it all starts all over.
So. It seems like a lot, but at the same time it really isn't. And it bothers me that I have conformed to this way of living. I have cabin fever. I want to go out, but can't because I don't have a car. I get an allowance from my mom just like my sister. I'm 23. I'm able bodied, and I like to say stable minded for the most part. I am a very hard worker, and enjoy work. And I still haven't gotten a job. As much as this bothers me, I also know that I am very uncomfortable with rejection, especially recently, and I have come to take it personal. I also feel like a giant burden at home. Because it's enabling me to be a couch potato and gaining even more weight.
Anyways. That's not what this is about. I can sit here and bitch about all my negatives all day. And day after day for the next month and a half. But I have learned something. Being negative to yourself isn't going to make you want to change something. Instead you only become sadder about it, angrier about it, but for sure you will feel powerless and let it defeat you. How do I know this? Because I haven't cut myself. I found there are more than one solutions to a problem.
Well tomorrow, if my health permits, I'm going to take the day to feel beautiful. I might do my toes and nails a fun bright color. I might put my face on and do my hair. I might even actually get dressed and put on a bra. More than anything I feel that I need to do this for myself. Because just like how I quit because I'm sore, I feel like I've quit on myself. And it isn't fair to me. We only get one life, one role to play, one character. So, we have to do the best with what we have. Doesn't mean we have to be ugly people. In fact, it means we have to try and disprove that. For some it takes a rigorous gym regime. For others it means caking on the makeup. For me, it's being happy. I haven't been happy because I keep focusing on all the bad. And I forget about all the good. I think we all tend to do that. We are our own worst enemies. We put ourselves down more often and harsher than what everyone else does. Think about it.
For the most part, you are the lead character in your life. You want to make yourself happy, you want to be the best, have the best, wear the best, play the best. All that. Now, leave yourself for a little bit. See all those around you? Every single person on the planet has that same idea of themselves. You are just a minor character in their lives. You might become a strong supporting character, but still just a character. Not the star of the story. When this was explained to me, I started understanding that people don't care too much about me and what I do/ don't do with my life, because they are all focused on themselves. So, don't stress wondering what all the others are thinking about you... usually they aren't. I have a phobia of eating in large cafeterias by myself. I always feel like people are just staring at me and I feel completely naked and vulnerable. My 9th grade year, I would literally have panic attacks about this. So one day, I decided to do something about it. I scanned the lunch room for the lonely kids, and decided to make friends. Because I'm sure they were just as insecure as I was. Sometimes it was awkward and we were basically just sharing a table. Sometimes we would engage in conversations and feel a little normal. This takes a lot of hard work, meeting new people. It's fucking scary. I still haven't gotten over this phobia. I'm 23.
So. I think boys can be beautiful too, even if they don't feel it. Mainly because it isn't manly to feel beautiful. But I think it's important. People perceive you by mirroring how you see yourself. I have been told confidence is a major plus. I don't have a lot of it. But I can fake it till I make it. So try to make it a thing. Make yourself.
Important lyrics to live by:
If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
I love ya'll <3
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