Bound and Determined

I'm in a damage my eardrums and type kinda mood. At the moment: Papa Roach radio on Pandora, volume at 100% on both Pandora and my computer. Noise cancelling earbuds, check. Door closed, check.

Here's the thing: I have come to the realization that I am going to lose a lot of things in the upcoming weeks and I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it.

Keep pushing forward. Coach Millanes taught us that. Even if I wasn't one of his linemen, I still got that lesson pounded into my head just as much as they did. Then there's my Momma who's no quitter. Even through all adversity, do what you gotta do, she said. Worse yet, she will harass me until I get shit done. Kind of how I carry on for weeks when I don't get my way. And finally everybody gets sick of me, so they give me what I want. That's who I learned it from. The art of getting your way. So that's just it, I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and just push forward.

So I am coming home to um, well nothing really. I mean yeah I have my parent's house, but I practically lost everything material. My apartment was taken over by the kids, my car was impounded/ repo'd. So either I get my car out of the impound lot in ten days, or I lose it. Fantastic, more than likely I won't be seeing that car again. What a shame. Gotta keep moving forward. The biggest blessing is this job opportunity I have. I can be back on my own in a matter of months. I hate being so impatient. And I hate that I have to figure stuff out on my own. No, riding the bus isn't gonna kill me, but it's just something I am not looking forward to.

{ I love this song!! Points of Authority by Linkin Park}

I feel more annoyed than defeated. It's gonna get uncomfortable. Then there's that motto again. Keep pushing forward. It's only temporary. I know this. I'm not really worried about it. I just don't like the uncomfortableness of it all. I also think all this had to happen. Imagine me not leaving in the first place, would I be this calm? After dealing with Nino, and staying in that apartment, and just all that stress I was under I think at least emotionally I am a lot better off. So yeah I'm pissed, but it's not a life or death situation. It's funny because I am starting to look at stuff like my dad. If it's fixable, then we'll fix it, quit crying. Funny how that makes sense right now.

It's gonna be some hard work, I do know that. And I always deal with things a lot better when I am busy. I apply myself more when I really want it. Will power is key here. You know me, if I want it that bad, I'll get it one way or another.

I suppose i'm back to me being self sufficient. Gwah!! I am really annoyed at my credit getting ruined. Like seriously, as if this wasn't enough of a headache, this shit is brutal. Where does this leave me? Picking up the pieces. Unfortunately for me, this is the kinda shit one has to take care of on their own. Nobody can really make choices for you. Shitty as it is, pick a path kid, one way or another there are going to be struggles.

{I wish I could sing like Amy Lee!!! well her and Hailey Williams <3 hahah I love these chicks!}

Running away didn't really work out for me, because my strings were still attached. And very tangled. Should've tied loose ends correctly huh? So maybe one day I will be able to just take off. I think in this case the best idea is to go home, regroup, plan better and stop letting others make decisions for me. Call it a retreat if you will. At least I get to see my cats again. The things that make me homesick, are the things that have me tied up in AZ. If I could take them with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. Even worse are the things I have to take care of, in order to cut some strings. Okay AZ, you win, this time. I'm coming home in the middle of your hot, miserable summer. Lucky for you, you happen to have my loved ones trapped. Jerk...

Alright I feel better. And determined. Unfortunately I am also bound. Well... till next time <3

Grrr....vent

So I'm supposed to be doing homework but I really don't feel like it. I have accomplished a series of things today so I get a break. Besides, I totally work better when under pressure, probably why I'm such a procrastinator. I don't feel good, and although I have my own space here at the relative's house, I would love to be back home. ICK! I forgot I gave up my apartment, which means I have to start the hunt. The good thing with that is I get to choose one that is a little nicer, and maybe further away from the parentals. I know, I keep bitching about them, but truthfully I'm a little pissed at them... I almost want to postpone my flight (Sunday!!!) again. I know, I can't just keep pushing it back, but my feelings are hurt and I don't want to go home. And I have nowhere else to go.

Blah... I just really hate kissing Lex's ass... and they all do it for Gabriel.
I love Gabriel, don't get me wrong, but come on! So my #1 priority when getting home is getting the hell out of there. And then there's Rachel who happens to be Lexy's best friend. Yay! Which means I'm watching what I say about her in front of Rachel. The thing with her is she'll always stick up for the underdog, only the underdog is usually the one that is terribly wrong: Lex, Aaron, Gabe, Nino... she sure knows how to pick them.

Guess who got taken down a notch in being priority in the family. Me. The very person that needs the most help right now, because really they got me in this mess. I suppose I can't blame them all for this, but for a major part, yeah I can. Okay besides me hating the not being the center of the universe, I'm kind of pissed that after everything she's done, everyone can just welcome her right back in. I don't like her. Almost every time I get reminded that I am not a BIOLOGICAL CHILD, the fight usually involves her. I hate that. So I'm walking on eggshells as soon as I get home. Ridiculous! Already my dad told me to cool it with the comments. It's going to be a loooooooonnnngggg two weeks... Hmmm maybe I should say 3 weeks tops, get my car, get a job, get a place.

Ugh that's gonna be annoying. I think all my stuff is in storage, but whatever is still at the apartment with the kids, it's gonna get uncomfortable getting back. I already know the attitude I'm gonna get about that. Effing A...

aaanndd just when everything was coming along... oh shit!

aand... that came crashing down like a giant fireball... son of a bitch!
I am sooo pissed!!!

it has happened, everything that I said was going to go wrong, ABSOLUTELY went wrong. Also, I'm not allowed to get mad about it. Can't piss off the baby's momma. I knew this was going to happen, I knew I didn't like the stupid bitch, and here I am stuck with the consequences of HER actions. Guess what she gets to do? Go pick up her stuff out of the car, and get to continue on with her life. Now, I am stuck making the phone calls, doing all the leg work, and stuck having to deal with the repo department. Oh I am so frustrated :( I thought I had taken care of all this, and I was under the impression that "they were going to take care of it." Why do I believe people? Fuckin' A... I can't type anymore...

Is this why people smoke? I'm a freaking nervous wreck. I know as soon as I calm down, I can get shit sorted, but I am really pissed...

So... I'm gonna fume for a bit...

a puppet on a string

Sitting here listening to Elvis, a few thoughts came to my head.

Here's what I'm thinking. I, for the most part, try my hardest to please the parentals. I try my hardest to please my siblings. I even try to please my friends. I am a people pleaser. Now, this has me in the category of a really nice person, as well as a major pushover. This is true. I'm a pushover. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid they won't stick around if they don't like my answer. I let others influence me, and as a consequence, I end up resenting them for not letting me make my own decisions. This is all good and dandy but my decisions also sort of only affect me.

In the words of Natasha Bedingfield: "Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in, no one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips..."

Oh so true. Now, if anyone remembers correctly, most of the time I have no problem speaking my mind. And I have become so sheepish recently. Maybe I've been knocked off my high horse. Life tends to do that. So fine, but still I have to find my balls again sometime soon, because my lack of boldness is driving me nuts.

I need my RAWR back! My mojo. Momma, I lost my mojo!!! I guess this is one of the things only I can find. Well shoot. The positive note here is that I'm bound and determined to get it back, one way or another! Good thing about me is that I'm a fighter. Even on the days I want to quit, there's always that little bit of drive that says, "Hell no you're not!" I guess all those years of being in softball kind of paid off. Even though practice sucked, even though I had bumps, cuts and bruises (and one particularly huge shiner I got from a line drive to the face) the feeling I got when we played was well worth it.

Anyways back to me making my own decisions. I'm sorry ya'll, but I guess I'm going to stop being such a pushover as well as a people pleaser. See, the way I see it I seriously need to stop being a baby back bitch and stop worrying about hurting other peoples feelings. No, I'm not going to start being a total douchebag, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not rolling over for anybody anymore.

Brain Vomit

♥♥♡♡♡

Most of the time I make sense... at least to myself.

Only recently do I feel like I don't make sense and it kinda doesn't bother me. Sort of that joy you get when you close your eyes and leap. Now that I kind of look into it, it seems like I am just I think for the most part since I started this, er... journey I want to call it, that has been my motto. Blind faith. It isn't really getting me anywhere, but it also isn't stopping me from doing anything. I started off trying to run away from the past, only that meant giving up the good parts along with the bad. I have to start looking for a new apartment. No way I am going back to the old one, and as much as I would love living at home again (wait does this mean Isaac finally moved out from the big room?)

I still need my own space. I need lots of my own space. Well me and my kit cats. Either way, I don't like being told what to do. And maybe relocating would be the best choice. Mother's day is coming up. Okay I don't like the part where every mother's day, my day becomes an Annel tug-o war. So in order to ameliorate my situation, I chose to run. Bad move, because by isolating myself I kind of screwed myself. I didn't feel better, I didn't feel relief, maybe the first few days I did. And you know how sometimes too much of a good thing is well, not a good thing. I think I also experienced that.
Oh yeah I'm glad my mom made me go back to church even if it was with aunt cuckoo... Oh jeez actually she made me a whole lot more stressed out than the whole reason I left. But one major good thing that came from me coming up here was me getting right with the Lord again.

And I left stuff I didn't want to leave. I'm a terrible cat parent. I should've taken care of that stuff. And you know packed better. Also, I feel guilty for leaving sissy. Stupid Isaac and Jake are probably ganging up on her. Ugh I didn't think this through... How long before I started regretting it? A week in. But I'm a trooper, and I put on a smile. I think the whole situation happens to be that my mom and I are too much alike. We try to poke our noses into people's lives who are getting along just fine without us. Our only intention is to help, sometimes the question is, do they even want our help in the first place?
That leads me to the next part of this. Sometimes our help isn't wanted. I have yet to learn this. Back to too much of a good thing. Maybe I'm also kind of a control freak and when i see somebody isn't doing something right, I'll want to put in my two cents. So I think the two cents aren't really wanted a lot of the time. Kind of like when you get change at the store...I hate change. Not just like pennies, and actual physical change that jingles in your pockets, but also the kind that makes life uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable. Life tends to be that way, and just when you are getting used to things, getting comfortable, it kind of dumps a whole new can of worms out. Hey remember how I'm not sure if I'm absolutely crazy for loving this kid, or just plain stupid? Either way, he happens to be one of the people I can't live without. I tried, it didn't work and then I had to learn the excruciating art of putting my pride aside. Just for him. You are lucky friend. Actually if I remember correctly, most of you guys that I have gotten into a friend break up with, and happen to be reading this, I put my pride aside for you as well. So don't judge me jerks. It's how I roll.

So... we have had our nice little rolls in the hay, we talk non stop, about everything and anything, and most of the time we lean on each other for support... Am I right so far friend? Well I think the reason you shocked the hell outta me, is because I didn't think you were interested in me. I have the worst reactions ever. I might of over reacted! I am more than flattered, although I'm sort of flabbergasted. Don't judge me right now lol... actually the feeling is mutual, wait, were you asking me a question? Okay so I am like overly nervous right now. Maybe because I'm not sure what you just said to me. Um I do love you too. Very much so. Did I say this to you? Why am I stressing out about this? And when did I let you make me nervous? I'm always just me with you. Although I am pretty pleased and relieved to hear this...Did I tell you I love you too? Gwah I'm so awkward when talking about serious stuff...  Matty won't get his ass to sleep... freakking kid.

Oh so continuation, now that I sort of got to sleep... umm... yeah I'm ready to go home. Daddy called and asked for a specific sale file, I didn't answer the question, I just said I'm ready to come home. Yep decision made. Why? Because I miss home. I want my stuff back, and I have learned that maybe I didn't have it so bad, I just jumped the gun when it came to my escape plan. Maybe once I get situated and actually plan shit out better, I will try my luck again. Not without plans though. So maybe one day I really will end up in Sandpoint lol... besides I got stuff I have to take care of A.S.A.P.

And I am achy from not sleeping in my bed. And Mr. Jerkface wants to go ahead and make me the most sexually frustrated person in the world! So yeah... I'm ready to come home. hahah... and not just because of that. Because you aren't just a piece of meat lol. Although you are pretty attractive :) and I like to keep you around. Okay i'm trying my hardest not to make this awkward. I'm sorry if I'm being weird. lol. I am trying to have some comic relief here...

Also is it really gay that I just got really giddy because you just called me? I mean you were all excited, so I got all excited. And I like talking to you on the phone, it was kind of really nice to get a call from home. :)

I feel like this is one of my useless posts lol but it's all stuff I wanted to get out of my head!
so... ta-dah!!! <3

Promises, Promises

And here I am with all these broken promises just kind of picking up the pieces. And I refuse to cry. Eff that! I refuse to let him ruin my Christmas! So I give his shit away, the stuff I spend hundreds of dollars on picking out piece by piece, all wrapped and under the tree. I returned what I could and got my money back at most places, my brothers raided what was left, and a few stragglers here and there I gave to friends. I even bought myself all kinds of stuff with that extra money. And I still feel like shit. Awesome job kid, awesome job. So guess what I do, I decide I don't give a fuck about you, or anything you said, did, made me do, nothing. And no, I'm not throwing my morals out the window, but I am done being tied down to your stupid rules. So your friend asks me if I want to go to Zoolights? You are damned skippy I wanna go to Zoolights. And so I develop a crush on said friend, can't help it, he's been nothing but nice and supportive and cute the whole time. And he got me a present! So, eff you Gabe.

"I'm only twenty-three for another hour give or take
I'm a fan of yours and I need a good mistake
I'm not a seller or a preacher all I have is sight of hand
I do magic tricks for the boys in the band"

So we also start texting non stop. From early morning, till late at night. And we start hanging out. I go visit him at the dorms, bring him freshly baked peanut butter kiss cookies, fully knowing you were there. And all you do is freak out and run away. Like a baby back bitch. Fine... Then and there is where I stopped chasing you. You wanna go? Go. Run away... I invite him to Christmas activity party at my house, and guess what my family actually likes him. Because he's not a jerk, he has a sense of humor, and he's here, making me feel better and making me forget about you.


"Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
I'll swing if you hand me, hand me the bat"

So... I'm not sure if I imagined it but did you lace your fingers around mine during grace? And so I flirt back, because I am a natural flirt. And my oh my I find you as super attractive. So I wanna hang out with you some more. And I have you come over to my apartment. To watch movies with me and my friends. And we start snuggling. And holding hands.


"I'm on the road of least resistance
I rather give up than give in to this
So promise me only one thing would you
Just don't ever make me promises. No promises."

And we keep flirting. And we keep texting. And I get more and more upfront. And bolder. And I start falling harder. Oh no... So you spend the night with me. And you are such a good snuggler. And you are so warm. And I'm not sure if you kissed me or I kissed you first. I dunno. You were sleeping. I was sleeping. Idk. but I like it. Your kisses are sweet. And I wanna bite those lips. So I do. And so we end up making out... all night long.

"I've never done this before
promises, promises
But i'm enjoying the illusion and the things my body says
Now you see me, now you don't
oh how well you disappear
what are you running from and may I interfere"

And I know you have someone. But then what are you doing here with me? Are you lonely? Is it because she's far away? Is everything falling apart over there and I'm just giving you an extra push. ? Do you need a booty call? Am I just that? Easy huh... It's been too long since I did anything anyways. Since anyone has touched me like that. Am I still attractive then? I was beginning to feel like I was undesirable. Oh so I am more than willing. I crave the contact, and I crave the attention. And I want it. Usually I get what I want. And although I'm about to unleash my inner whore, I am getting what I want. And getting it from a cute boy. And he rocked the boat. Actually he rocked my world.

"Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
Id swing if you hand me, hand me the bat oh,
Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
I'd swing if you hand me, hand me the bat"

Oh geez. Well at least I made him wait. Sort of. I tried to stop him. Except for I didn't. Because I wanted him to keep going. And so we did it. More than once, and oh my gwah it was mind blowing. Inexperienced as he was it was fucking great! And not just the bow chica bow wow aspect of it all. Try having someone that is EXACTLY like you of the opposite sex, and not falling for them. Hell on top of that, he was complete emotional support. Remember the heartbreak you were experiencing? No, me neither... I'm busy getting support somewhere else. Enough to where I am secure enough and feel loved enough. So why not make him all mine? So I started pushing harder. Somewhere along the lines I let my heart go. Bad idea. Bad choices were made, things were said that weren't meant. Promises made and broken, along with hearts.

"I'm on the road of least resistance
I rather give up than give in to this
So promise me only one thing would you
Just don't ever make me promises. No promises."

I don't blame anyone. I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm a big girl. Did it hurt? Hell yes it hurt. Mainly because I had unexpectedly fallen for it. I think the main thing here is I wanted to get chosen for once. And that's what he promised. I think he bit off more than the could chew. To tell the truth, before he left I thought I had won. I had finally gotten chosen. Before he got on the plane he said "I love you." I believed it. And the texts became less and less. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And then doubt started creeping in, but I fought it. Of course he was up there visiting her. And no I didn't expect him not to. If he was going to come back to me, he would have to get rid of her. And so whatever it takes, I try to be patient. If there's one thing I've learned about guys is that you let them take care of their business on their own time. I guess that's how I was raised. Ask once, don't push the issue after that.

So I leave it be. Think positive. Hey my mom let me drive her brand new car. In the rain. I'm excitedly texting him about how excited I that he is coming back. He's at the airport. He's going to call me when he lands. He had to go, his plane was boarding. And that's when my sissy decides to drop a bomb on me. I'm still driving in the rain. And she says go look on Facebook. I'm like oookkaaayyy... So I look (hooray for smart phones?) and I see what she meant. A lovely picture of him and his hickeys, love bites she called them. So proud of them he was. With a smug little smile, saying yep I made my choice... not you. And I was shocked. Like kicked in the stomach, slapped in the face and spit on. So here's me driving in the rain, crying my eyes out and not being very careful. I got pulled over. Fucking fantastic eh? Good thing the officer understood what I said to him through my sobs. He had me sit there till I could calm down and let me drive home. Only good thing that happened to me that night.

And so I get beyond pissed when I get the next message from him. Nice hickeys I say. I really wanted to say how could you. I wasn't mad that he didn't chose me at this point. I was hurt about the way I found out. So not only did I lose my best friend at this point, I was also humiliated. And so instead of being sad, I was infuriated. And my pride was hurt. Worst thing to hurt about me is my pride. Because at this point that was all I had.

And I so I am now an official emotional wreck. Because everything that I had been stacking up came tumbling down. And and worse yet, I didn't have my emotional support to talk to. My mom wasn't any help. Because all she could do was be sad for me. It was like a fucking funeral whenever anyone was around me, everyone whispering, everyone talking about "how horrible" and "how sad"... a fucking funeral. I can hear you guys! I'm standing right here. I just wanted to sink into the smallest hole and disappear. And I knew I still had to put on a smile and get out there. Because one thing about life, no matter how sad you are, no matter what is going on in your life, whether your dog died or your child got taken away, whether you were robbed or heartbroken, life goes on without you. And that includes your job. That includes bills, and past due payments and life. So man up bitch. That's what I had to do... Man up.

And that is just about the hardest thing to do. Because I had heartbreak I had put on the back burner and that came down too. And so maybe being a supervisor was too much for me. Maybe I need a freakking break. Only losing a friend is a million times worse that losing someone you liked. A friend is a huge part of you, they are the ones that make you, you. And like it or not, friendships, like all relationships, must be worked on. It's gotta be one of the toughest things to put your pride aside in order too get your friends back. And my pride is a huge thing for me. But set it aside, because being prideful is awful lonely. And he isn't the first to make a mistake. Didn't you love him? Didn't you know what you were getting yourself into? Weren't you part of it too? You are just as much to blame. So, hypocrite, you won't forgive him? Like so many times you've been forgiven? When did you become so much better than anyone.

La la la love...

I was taught to love no matter what. To forgive and give people the benefit of the doubt.
And to never stop loving. Maybe because that is the center of my core beliefs. Love and forgiveness.

We were loved so much we were forgiven for all our sins. That is so deep, and so difficult for many to grasp. We are not worthy of so much love we say. But I chose you, He says. We cannot fathom the love he gives us. We are like filthy rags, and yet washed clean by his love and mercy. Who are we to go against this. It is not for us to understand. And yet we should rejoice that we were chosen to be his beloved. And in turn love him back for all this love that was given to us. To sacrifice his one and only son for us, in order to have us all live in eternity with him. We are sooo loved! And we fight it. You must be mistaken we say, how can you love a wretch like me. Without question says He. Without question and without hesitation. And that is how we should love.

And He is the ultimate example in love. God is love. He gave us all the fruits of the spirit. And the greatest of these is LOVE. Because it conquers. All fear, all doubt, all hate, all uncertainty is null at the face of Love. Because of how great it is. Not to be confused with lust, the true test of love, is forgiveness. Willingness to forgive is a gift only given by love. Grace. Grace is what God has for us, because He chose, no He was willing to forgive. And even so, many will be bound and determined to refuse the gift. Like one who loves and is not loved back, we break His heart, and He tries his hardest not to let go. Sometimes, love is not meant to be. And great grief is shown, because He was not willing that any should perish. And yet He still gives us His everlasting love.

Love is patient love is kind, it does not envy and it is not boastful. What I remember from that verse in the book of Corinthians. And yet I know all this is what you measure love with. Slow to anger, quick to forgive. And how many times have you thought you loved someone. Did you truly love them? Were they ones you were slow to anger with? Ones you never looked down on? Where they in all truthfulness the ones you were willing to forgive, no matter how badly hurt you were. Because you put that love above the love for yourself. As Jesus did for us. No greater love than His.

That is the real love. That is the type of love I want. That is the type of love I want to give. Because really if you want to compare, ours is only a fraction of what his love is for us. We are flawed, where he is perfect. And he still chose us. Knowing fully who we were, what we were. He looked upon us, chose us each by name and said, "I want him," "I choose to love her" How fantastic is this? How much more of a perfect love can you ask for. To know love, one must know Him. Use Him as your guide, as your ruler. To use as a measurement device and also as the lead inspiration for love. The ruler of your heart.

My heart belongs to him alone. He will decide to whom he would like me to share my love with. And that love will also involve loving him first and foremost. Because as the source of all light, he too, is the source of all love. He chose to accept me, "come as you are." he said. I who was broken, with a heavy heart, damaged, troubled and downtrodden. Imperfect... and he chose to love us unconditionally.

And so I chose to use this as my measurement device. Use the love God has given us, to give to someone else. There is plenty of it to go around. Like seeds, we plant this love and must tend to it daily, in order for it to thrive. Hard work comes along with it, but if you are willing to work for it, you will find that those are the most beautiful of the flowers. The ones you tended to the most, with the most care, love and patience, those will bloom the prettiest. And even then, some die. Some you cannot save, and you weep deeply for, but you mustn't forget to tend to the ones still alive. Oh to love, and having love back as the reward, that is truly the greatest gift. So I say to you, with a heart that has been broken, kicked, dropped, insulted, suffered loss and is still capable of love, please never stop loving. The only thing that has helped heal this has been more love.


<3

my thoughts said in pictures

30 Things about me

Thirty things about me, that you probably don't know, already know, or are like random facts about me... enjoy!

1. I am 5'3... okay with shoes on... without I am 5'2 and 3/4 lol

2. I like being at home... I'm sure everyone knows this... I'm sorry I don't want to be out all night partying, sometimes I just want to stay home and have peace and quiet. I like wearing my pj's and not having to worry about my hair or makeup or clothes.

3. I love my cat... she is evil and she bites but if I was a cat, I'd be just like her... we have the same personality lol and she's short and fat just like me.

4. I am Christian. I love Jesus Christ! <3 Because of Him my life has changed for the better. Yeah, I am sure a lot of you remember me as the troublemaker... well I am no longer one... for the most part.

5. I weed people out of my friends lists/contacts often... Nothing personal but if I rarely talk to you are we really "friends"?

6. I love to be the center of attention, the best at everything and the one everybody wants to be friends with and the one everybody knows. I think I am hilarious and if I wasn't me, I'd totally want to hang out with me.

7. I absolutely love Christmas and wish it was always that time of the year. I don't care much for the presents but I love the warm fuzzy feelings that come along during that time of the year. I can wrap presents like nobody's business and decorating is my favorite part.

8. I have never cheated, but have been cheated on so many times. It's awful. Heartbreak is one of the only feelings nothing but crying can fix. It is also one of the worst feelings in the world, right up there with betrayal.

9. I don't really sing great, but I do anyways. I love music. I don't care who hears me sing. I think everyone should have a song in their heart

10. I can't drive. There I admitted it. Other people make me freaking nervous okay?! But I can parallel park like a pro! I think because during driver's ed, coach Gourd used me as the test dummy/example driver all the time... only thing I picked up from that class was parallel parking.

11. Sometimes I am very clumsy. Like all the time. I'm not sure how that works but I am constantly walking into things, bumping, spilling, dropping. I think it has to do with depth perception and my lack of it.

12. I love stuff that smells good. This includes but is not limited to: lotion, perfume, body spray, hot boys, shampoo, cologne, candles, and several other things.

13. I REALLY AM MEXICAN! No, seriously! My last name is Rios Mendoza how much browner do you want? I speak fluent Spanish, as well as write (with accents and everything) and read it quite well. I only have trouble translating when I am put on the spot. So I am not as brown as I should be, there are blond haired, blue eyed Mexicans out there... Especially in Sinaloa, where my parents are from.

14. I want a big family. Because I love kids. And I feel like big families always have a better time even when times are hard.

15. I do not like the taste of beer! It makes me gag... actually it makes me puke... especially warm beer. Gross... however, if you make me a steak, hell yes I want a beer. Don't question it lol.

16. On that note, I love the smell of coffee and bacon... seldom drink or eat it (respectively.) I'm not sure why.

17. I love tattoos... I think they are effing sexy. However I don't know if I will ever get one. Because I would want a whole lot of them. Like sleeves and shit. So, who knows maybe one day I'll be that old ass lady with all the cool tats. Wrinkly as fuck, but coolest one in the nursing home... haha

18. I learned how to read at the age of 3. By kindergarden I read at a third grade level. I still love to read. I can read through a novel in about a day, if time allows.

19. I dislike people. Unless I get to know them, and even then I distrust, and dislike them. There are very few people I trust in my life (some of you are probably reading this... that's right I actually like you people)
I hate fake people most of all. Coach Wood was right all along... people suck.

20. I complain. People believe I am spoiled. WRONG! If you tried to live a day in my shoes, you wouldn't make it. Then again I believe no two people's lives are alike. I see no point in comparing or trying to compete on who's had it worse. Life is hard. To get to where I am right now has been nothing but an uphill battle. Without God or my family, I would've given up a long time ago. I see my life as a work in progress.

21. I pray quite often. For lots of people/things/reasons. Sometimes I just talk to God. Sometimes I'm just grateful.

22. I love zombie movies. Even though I am a total chicken about scary movies, the way to my heart is a good zombie movie, some snacks and pj's. That or a foot rub lol. I love being pampered. But back to zombie movies... I really enjoy them mainly because there are a few dumb asses that would probably be zombie-fied, and I would love to high five them in the face... with a baseball bat. :) No just kidding, but I just love snuggling during movies!

23. I HATE being called stupid. Or being treated as if I am stupid. I hate when somebody uses that as an insult. It's like something I should brush off, but it boils my blood when some idiot dares to call me stupid.

24. Moving on to happy stuff, I love fuzzeh animals. Like seriously I will go nuts if you put me near anything fluffy or cuddly. I like animals in general, with the exception of fish and insects, but put fuzzy and cute in the mix and I am all over it!

25. Speaking of fish. I have a total fish phobia. A completely unrealistic phobia when it comes to fish. I don't like their sliminess, or their disgusting eyes, or the way their gills move when they are breathing. Oh that just sends a shiver up my spine!!! Ewwww.... *shudders*

26. I love love. I have loved and been loved back, I have also not been loved back. It happens, such is life. Love keeps no account of wrongs, it just is. I can't not love someone I once loved, even if it's just the idea of them. I believe people I have loved, and the people I love were placed in my life for a reason. I I ever did love you, no matter how bad you hurt me, you are still loved by me. No my love isn't perfect, I will lash out because you hurt me, regardless I still love you. No matter how awful you were, even though you wouldn't stop, even though you were so wrong, I still love you. Even if it's just your memory. And maybe one day I'll say I'm sorry too.

27. I don't like the awkwardness of confrontation. I don't like being uncomfortable, and I don't like having to talk about situations where a confrontation will arise. It's kind of like stepping in something wet while wearing a sock. It's a much disliked feeling.

28. I have two families: The Mexican one and the Mostly White one. I love both my families very much, just sort of differently. I am the second oldest in both. Go figure.

29. I wish I could change the way I look. I believe I am beautiful, but sometimes I don't feel that way.

30. I want a dalmatian. They are my favorite. When 101 dalmatians came out, I screamed until my dad got me one. I finally got a fat little spotted puppy, I named Dot. Two years later she was unfortunately hit by a truck. It was terrible. So that being said, one day I will get my own dalmatian.

...

Dirty Pirate Hooker!

I lied... so that shit wasn't really that interesting. Maybe I just don't feel like typing about it anymore, because trying to remember stuff you purposely forget is kind of going somewhere you didn't want to go, like the IHOP or the back alley with a bunch of crack whores... you get the idea. Don't wanna go there.


So, this is love. Or the closest I've ever been to loving and being loved. And I guess that was all I wanted. Only there were things that bothered me time to time. And there were times when I wasn't sure. But I was patient. And kind. And lots of other things. For one thing I feel like I have to point out that I was loyal. Not only when he was away but even when he was here. So he didn't wan't to have sex with me... I could live through that, right? Apparently he wanted to "save it till marriage." Okay, fine I'll let you make that rule. And I know I am not the easiest person mood wise. But let me ask: can't you look past that? Do you have to pick at it until it becomes a fight? I fight back because I feel you are attacking who I am, you fight because you want to correct my behavior. I'm sorry but here's a reality check for you: I had parents. Two sets in fact. I'm pretty sure they don't need your help raising me. So accept me as I am, how I was raised not to ever settle for second best, to get what I want, to be a good person and to love. Their way might not be perfect, but yours don't earn a trophy either. And yet I accept who you are.  I'm sorry I'm no longer up to your standards.


Remember when we got in that fight at my house, when you first met Berto, and Nino, and Danny. You got all upset because I was being a good hostess. You said I was flirting with them. I'm sorry but I grew up with them, and yes it's your birthday, but I have to feed the boys. You aren't the only boy in my life. Get over it. If you don't want me having guy friends, uh again, they were here first. I refuse to give them up. And so we get in a huge fight. After my mom spends all that time baking for you, after my dad spends all that time bbqing, and we drag our friends out for YOUR birthday. But again, I remember my family doesn't really mean a lot to you. You hate Rachel maybe because she says it like it is. And so we fight. All the way up to Dana Park, because I don't want anyone to know we're fighting. And you don't like that I occasionally drink. You knew what you were getting into when you started dating me. And you wanted to change that.


I should've let you go before you hurt me. Before you did this kind of damage. Don't wanna call me New Year's eve? Fine... have a nice life. But no... I was the idiot who went along with you. I followed you. I wanted this to work. So along the way you promised to marry me. And I believed you. I didn't see why not. And looking back, I don't know why I said yes. So you asked my parents, well 3 of them (with exception of my dad in Mexico, but my brother was there as a stand in) and they all welcomed you to the family. I got an apartment, so that when you came back we'd have a little home. So every time I bought something I wrote to you about it. I would read each letter you sent over and over until I could hear your voice as I memorized your words. I carefully put each one back in it's envelope and I would desperately wait for your phone calls.


 Maybe I really was just like Steve and Christyanne. Afraid nobody else wanted them, so they got married. To beat being alone. Sad. And well... here I am, believing your promises.  I am stupid enough to think: I'm going to be his army wife. He's going to take care of me. We're going to have babies.
And slowly I start losing me. Hey, I don't need a nursing degree, it's going to be hard enough moving from place to place. Forget finding a job somewhere, you could be reassigned in two months or in two years. It's all a guessing game. And so I give up on school. I think this was two months into the semester... I just stopped caring. I gave up on my future and set it aside because I wanted "our" future to work. And "our" future didn't have me as a nurse so I sacrificed that. How thoughtful. Kind of like how you DECIDED that you were going to stay in school and the National Guard because without that you had no future. Funny how that doesn't include me.


Your phone calls turned from how much you love and miss me to what you were doing, and what you felt, and thought, and you, you, you. Then we got in the fight about Nikki. She proudly posts on Facebook, "Gabe called me!" Not only did my heart sink because I didn't get a phone call that day, you called her. Your ex's sister. I'm pretty sure most people had their girlfriends as priority for a phone call. You know the one that is home alone, waiting for you, patiently supporting you, and this... these months you stole from our relationship. But I waited. Because that's what good girlfriends do. Come to think about it, you called your mother more times than you called me. Get off the tit, or you can't get on mine... just sayin'... But I get over it. Mainly because I would definitely choose my parents over you. In a heartbeat. Or did I? When they didn't like the way you talked to me, but I stood up for you. When they would bring up points about how it was always your way, I still went along with your way didn't I? Of course I did.


So the day comes when you finally come back. Oh I was so happy! I got up at O'dark thirty to get ready. I packed my bags since your parents wanted us to spend the weekend there. I was so excited to see you. So I spent the weekend with you and your parents. It was great. And then we came back to Mesa, since your unit was conveniently close to my place. And along came your brother and his thing. Sure they could have my guest bedroom while they're here. And yeah I'm cool with you guys running the AC while the windows are open. What the faaaak....


So I start getting tired of being your doormat. I drive you around everywhere, and for the most part pay for everything, do what you want. And if you're in town, we avoid my parent's house. Probably because you want to avoid the following conversation: Oh yeah by the way parents, I'm a lesbian, this is my girlfriend Gaby, she's really high maintenance. Gwah! But that seriously pisses me off... why? Because I'm a homebody, I love my family, and we do fun shit together and my mom cooks bomb... that's why! But no, you wanna spend time with "just me" so I follow along and guess what the fuck we end up doing... absolutely nothing. It's really awkward when your boyfriend doesn't at least try to get you nekkid... just saying.


And so it goes for a couple more months, I'm busy with working 12 hour days sometimes well over 7 days a week, but that's supervisor-ville for you, and you complain that I don't have enough time for you. So I take it down a notch, and only work 5 days a week, and only 8 hours... and you're still complaining. And I'm complaining about real shit like bills. Of course you don't understand, you still live at home. And even though you work, you get excited about 20 hour work weeks. I'm a workaholic, I'll give you that, but your lack of motivation scares the living shit out of me. And you get offended when I say you don't work enough. When I tell you that you are still considered a kid in your house, I've been moved out since I was 17 and although I still spend the majority of my off time at my parents' house, I have been paying my own bills for that long. And you bitch and moan about your parents treating you like a kid, so I suggest moving out. But that's too ballsy for you. Can't disobey your fucking abusive dad that has you whimpering like a bitch, or your over protective mom, who doesn't want you driving unless you take a defensive driving course. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Exactly what did they think you were going to do when you joined the Army?  Like sending a lamb to the slaughter... wow.


So the rift between us gets bigger... And I start getting angrier towards you. Your rules, your conditions, your attitude, your parents. Everything becomes all about you and your future. Never mind me, and mine, and my feelings.  So it builds up. And so one day I explode. I let you have it because that Nikki girl is still posting flirtatious things on your Facebook. And I refuse to kiss her ass, like Sarah does... bitch can suck my toe! And you get defensive. Because I am upset and concerned that a 16 year old is flirting with a 19 year old. And he's allowing it. See, I know you can't control her, but as the adult, who has a whole lot more to lose since technically you are property of the US Govm't... you should know where to draw the line. Put a stop to her behavior. But you wont.  I was covering your ass... literally! And you get mad at me. And guess who hears the whole conversation? All 4 and a half hours of me and you going back and forth. My parents, because they heard you screaming at me in the first place. So my dad says put it on speaker. Now, my parents aren't usually this intrusive. But you were railroading me here. And I was letting you. And you keep defending her! Anyone but me. So I am done. Better yet, you hang up on me again. I officially hate you.


I told you once that that was like a straight up bitch slap when you hang up on me.
So I am a mess for seven fucking days. Because obviously you aren't going to chase me. If I would've been in the car with you, and asked to be let out, even if it was a bad neighborhood, you'd leave me there. Wow. So you aren't going to contact me. And your friends don't know what either. Boo is fucking useless. Maybe he's just minding his own business. Maybe he doesn't care. Either way, not helpful at all. Jeremiah is a dick. I  tell him the situation, and he says well idk what to tell you. As if I made my bed and I have to lay in it. Um, oh so it's my fault I am getting yelled at. Fucking wackos. And then there is only one of your friends that is  reasonable. And is willing to contact you to try and get you back to me. Because I am fucking miserable. And I almost let him. Because that's how miserable I am. Oh I'm sure you are too, actually Sarah is down there. Yeah they heard all the conversation on that side too. She doesn't say much. She actually avoids my messages, and I know that stupid cunt can get my messages. But she ignores them.


So here I am waiting for you to call me. A week goes by and still nothing. So I break down, put my pride aside and call you. And although my job is at stake because my boss isn't cool with me taking personal phone calls, I still take the time and talk to you. Luckily he went home early. And so I let you blame me and the way I act for why this relationship isn't working. You don't like who I have become. I say I'm still the same. I say it's you and how you changed since you came back from Basic. And you deny it. And again I just say okay. Because I don't want to lose you. And I let you tear me a new one, as if begging for you wasn't enough. You are fucking mean, and yes I am going to resent you for this. And I begin to wonder why I called...


So I keep my mouth shut for a few days, I find out what Sarah said. How she sang like a little bird about every kind of girl gossip we had. How I would look at and flirt with other guys while you were away. How I said I was going to break up with you for the shits and giggles of it. And so I am beyond pissed. Because all the while she is whispering in your ear, she is talking to me like a consoling friend who is concerned. So two days before you are supposed to come spend the weekend at my apartment, she starts messaging me. How convenient. I tell you I don't want her anywhere near my apartment. And so you tell me you have my ring. Engraved it too. I'm impressed, but I still don't want her over here.


You avoid the conversation. So I confront her. I ask her how she could just sit there and spout lies about me, not just to you but to your family as well. I tell her she is a backstabbing cunt. (I really hate that word, and I believe this is the only person I have ever called that) A cheap, lying, stupid, fat, piece of shit. Fake as fuck...To this day it still boils my blood, what she said. I'm pretty sure I would love to kick her ass if I ever see her. So my question is what was she trying to gain from this? Was she looking out for me or Gabe? Who the fuck was she trying to impress? She's still no fucking competition. I may be lots of things but I am no pussy. I let shit slide, more than I stand up for it, but beware my wrath... And I know how to play dirty, so I throw in a couple of doubts in there. And she's like oh mine and Josh's relationship shouldn't even be in this? I was like bitch quit looking at mine and Gabe's relationship and worry about who yours. And that's the last time I talked to that piece of shit. December 4th, 2011.


Same day Gabe left me for good. I was on the phone with him, and I mentioned to him that I had just had it out with Sarah. He said he knew, she was texting him. So I said these exact words: "I don't want that dirty pirate hooker at my house!" For those of you who have seen Anchorman, that's where that quote comes from.. And he flips the fuck out! Like major flips out like I had called his mother something! "No, I was talking about the dirty pirate hooker your brother happens to be dating." He said something to the effects of me calling myself a good Christian and that I obviously am not one because I shouldn't talk like that. So I said, "Oh I'm sorry she's not a dirty pirate hooker, SHE'S A DIRTY, LOW LIFE, LYING, BACKSTABBING, STUPID, FAT BITCH!" I think at this point everyone in the house stops what they're doing and look at me. I laugh when he starts screaming again and he hangs up on me. I'm done. 

And I felt completely relieved and free! I laughed my ass off when I was re telling it to my sister. 

Novelas... aka continuation of previous post

AS if my so called romantic life isn't a lot like a Spanish soap opera already, this is where shit gets interesting! Oh I know you guys are like sitting on the edge of your seats right now! Anticipation is killing you huh? Well keep your shirt on, breathe easy, and er... this might get a bit uncomfortable. Due to said uncomfortable situation, I will try my very best to add some comic relief here and there!


Hokay so, (GTFO if you don't know where that's from!!!) I know what you're thinking... he's the other kid's twin, how can he be any different? Well let's just say J was the runt of the litter, the one mom babied, dad picked on and hence his social awkwardness. G was at least a little more outgoing, obviously the trophy child, was born first, and was a lot more mature (difficult to believe eh?) I was like let's give this kid a chance, he's pretty funny, and kinda cute in his ACU's (Darn, I'm such a sucker for uniforms... they're like bug zappers to me.) We hit it off, he wasn't as pushy as his twin, actually he was a lot more suave (for those of you who know him, and are probably thinking "gag!" just bear with me here, lol!) We hung out, along with Bug and her family, since Bug sorta became my bestiee... even though she's effing nuts! He wanted to play football, and was being all cute with Bug's niece. Awesome with kids, sawheet! He would also invite Buggy and I to his dorm to play Rockband, or just sorta hang out. Then turned into hanging out every day, texting non stop, and one thing lead to another, and we started dating. Actually the kid asked my parents if it was okay to date me. Cute RIGHT?! My parents approved, well my dad threatened to eat him if he ever did anything to hurt me (wait... can I still cash this one in?) and then he approved. I'm a sucker for romanticalness like that.


So like that, we started dating and in the process I broke a couple of friendships. I was kind of a jerk about it too, sorry guys! I should've been a little more gracious to my friends who in all fairness where there first. I sort of jumped the gun on this one. Bug was, ehh not sure of jealous because she thought he was flirting with her first, or mad because she lost her partner in crime and I made her the third wheel. Sorry Buggy :( Slowly, she began scolding us about hanging out in my room with the door closed...I'm sorry but at 21 years old, I kind of know how stuff works and uhh I'm not a skank! I just wanted some privacy in the comfort of my own room... geez! And then we just started full on fighting about the whole situation. She was super pissed! She even told Captain M that we were dating and since I was not into ROTC anyways, I quit... so ha! In your face Bug! So we started to drift apart Bug, and I.


Anyways, almost a month later Semi, who was also my friend at the time started dating the other twin, remember J? I think this was supposed to make me feel jealous... uhhh riiigghht... it was more like really awkward and kinda gross to look at, and then somewhere along the lines someone came up with the bright idea that we do double dates... all the time! No!!! So we were forced, and by we I mean me, to socialize daily with the whole group. And somewhere in there my roommate D found out she was pregnant, and her boyfriend moved in to our on campus apartment... Oy... headache galore. Talk about losing your identity in a relationship. So on a daily basis we hung out as much as possible, except on weekends when i insisted I had to go home. I'm a homebody, I missed my parents and siblings and pets. Anyways, I don't know if it's because I'm angry at him that this feels like the most boring part of the whole story, but I once again feel like I am droning on.


Here's a summary of our 1 year 1 month and 4 days "together"as a couple: I think he came to my apartment almost every day, he slept over like twice, and I would cook for everyone and make a jolly good time for us all. Then right before winter break came, we went to build a bear and he got me my army bear, two days later stupid Josh took stupid Sarah to build a bear and he got her one... how original! NOT! So basically everything Gabe and I did, so did tweedle dee and tweedle dum. Fucking spectacular, a competition.


Okay let's retrace a little here... I am competitive as fuck. I have to win at everything, it's my dad's fault he raised us to be the best of the best. I was in the Varsity Softball team as a sophomore. I am fucking awesome at just about everything I do, and I'm super cute.  ^_^ Welcome to the world of conceited me...


Back to the story... Sarah is so not any of the things I am. I don't mean to be mean (actually at this point I don't fucking care) but bitch is busted. She's so manly looking and huge. Now I am very aware of me not being a size 5 either, but I mean the girl wore huge shoes, had huge banana hands, and a huge face. And her thick ass eyebrows bothered the fuck out of me! She's manly as fuck. And her "sexy feature" according to herself... her boobs. Okay try not to loose your lunch here but she had size G boobs. As is Good-lord-get-a-reduction-immediately!!! Okay I'm done puking here... anyways there is no fucking competition here. I am not just cute but know how to style my hair and do my make up for Pete's sake! This girl seriously had no desire to make herself attractive I think, or no idea how to... I tried to help but she said I did too much. Hah! wow... she wasn't doing enough!


So I was starting to get annoyed with them. And my boyfriend. He just happened to be the worst answer-er of the phone or text-er backer ever. So he was leaving for basic training the beginning of the upcoming semester, which meant I didn't get to see him anymore. So as winter break came, I was especially clingy! Not in a bad way, I mean we were on break, what could he possibly have to take care of at home? So I would call and he wouldn't answer. And I would text and he wouldn't reply.  And sometimes it would go for days. So this is when shit started to bother me. He could go for days without any communication with me. So on New Years Eve, our first fight went along the lines of: "How can you go days without talking or texting me?" He said I was overreacting, and so he majorly pissed me off. And so I start screaming at him and lecturing him about how that is "Not nice." Like talking to a five year old... so the little shit hangs up on me. I text him if he wanted to continue in a relationship, he better never hang up on me in his life. I turned my phone off, he left me a snotty voice mail that both my parents heard and it was the beginning of a war between us. He was "standing up for himself" saying I was being too controlling, and that I needed to understand he couldn't always be on the phone. So this is where the "who wears the pants in the relationship" battle started.


It kind of subdued as I wasn't around him once school started. I hung out with Sarah a lot, but since Deb was gone, Bug was no longer my roommate or talking to me, I had to branch out in the friends area. New roommates consisted of the Russian who was rude as fuck to me and Pinata the new roommate who is awesome AF and subscribed to my blog! Hi B! (That's right I named you Pinata... just think of the creepy voice.... hahahah <3 glorious!) And so I had to make a new routine for myself because it got really boring without the boyfriend around. He was actually at home this whole time, and for one reason or another, phone calls were short and texts were few... so then he left for basic and it really became kinda lonely. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of... become friends with his friends, because I missed him. Let Sarah become close with me. Hell I even befriended his parents. It was sucky because it was absolutely NO contact with him. So everyday, I wrote him a letter. Every day I took pictures to send him. I basically sat and waited for him to come back. And that's when I figured I was in love.


Okay guys, I'm exhausted... I'll continue this later I suppose


<3 Till next time...probably tomorrow since I don't have anything to do with my life...

:)

Twu wove fohwevaaah...

So, what is it? 
I'm sitting here typing this in my ex-boyfriend's shirt and my undies... pretty pathetic, but don't judge, I just got out of  an hour bath where I sat and  almost completely read through a Nicholas Sparks novel before stopping myself and thinking, "What the fuck is this?" Not that I feel like the book is total baloney, it was kinda cute... but honestly, is that shit even real? I ask because I don't think I have ever had that happen to me. I mean, okay not to sound like a wounded puppy, but how come I don't have that love? Shit, I even love those that don't love me back. I'm not talking about family or friends, I am talking about the love you feel for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I mean is it really THAT fucking amazing? And if so, why hasn't it happened to me?!


Okay so here's what my experience with love has been like:
Hmmm... I was in love with one E.C in second grade. Yes, I was a flirt back then. Only problem was E.C didn't like me, and J.G. (How the hell do I remember their names haha) did. J.G happened to be the big kid in class, and I as a mean ass 8 year old, said I didn't like him back. I should've given the poor kid a chance... I seriously think I've been cursed since then!


Middle school, I was definitely socially awkward. All for a good reason too, freakking math teacher "confused me" with Brittany C. A) Major slap in the face B) WTF am I that icky looking? C) I'm not even THAT fat!!! <~mean, I know but GEEZ!!!! Anyways sometime in Jr. High I discovered I had boobs and so did everyone else. Uh first kiss was awkward and came more out of peer pressure than anything. Just like my first time doing most things, totally peer pressure... Future advice for you kids, FUCK the "cool" kids, look out for #1 and do things when you feel it's right. Not telling you to never try anything either, but most of the "everybody's doing it" shit is probably most likely bad for you... and trust me, after high school NOBODY FUCKING CARES!!!


Moving on to my high school glory days, let's see Varsity Softball as a sophomore most deff got to my head. So I went through my crazy times, especially because of stupid peer pressure and well... Sometime when I was like 16 I lost my virginity. At the time I didn't think anything of it, it wasn't that great. My [bio] mom found out and said something along the lines of me being "damaged goods," Yeah that still stings in the back of my mind. So as much as I wanted to sleep around, to piss her off as much as she pissed me off, I knew it wasn't worth it. It also didn't help that I had a reputation to keep up. I lost my Varsity spot my senior year, let's face it I was never the same after surgery and I got fat and out of shape from being in bed for about 6 months. Shitty, huh? So I stuck with being a trainer. I was always in the training room anyways, and it was my off season activity, anything to avoid going home. Being a trainer, I was either put into two categories: Friend-zoned or chased after like some sort of forbidden fruit. Yeah I had "crushes" here and there on some of the athletes, but I also got to know them, and I mean really know them... to where they were a bunch of scumbags in uniform anyways. So I never dated anyone in my school career... I had a steady FWB thing with A.J for a couple years, but even then, I didn't consider that a relationship.


So moving on to college years... I was with J.V for almost a year before he decided "I was too young for him..." Me 18, him 21... I would get mad that he would go out drinking, I couldn't come along, but other girls could, and well... that was that. Sometime after that I was raped and really didn't want anything to do with men for ever. Sometimes I regret not going to counseling for that. Sometime after that, I had a thing with   I.J. We weren't dating, but it was almost like it. We were living together, we went on dates all the time, and also had a little physical thing going on. For like two years. We actually would tell his schoolmates we ran into, as well as mine, that we were married. So obviously I was under the illusion that "this was the one" I wanted to get married to this kid, have his babies, all that jazz... turns out the feelings weren't mutual. So 2 years later, a horribly messy break up of sorts, including some hateful words and whatnot, and me moving out... I was like WTF!!!


Well.finally after sort of sewing my wild oats, I was just like eff this shit and decided to emotionally shut the fuck down. I think I started school in the worst mood possible. Not only was I entirely clingy to my mom after the breakup with I.J, the last thing I wanted was to live on campus and go to a Christian university, and be away from home, but at least it kept me and I.J out of each other's paths. I mean we lived within miles of my parent's house, had mutual friends, all that shit you have when you're "together" with someone for two whole years. Yeaaaahh... so anyways. I start school and start trying new things. Mainly because my roommates kinda talked me into it. Damn you peer pressure! Well... letsee I tried ROTC for a while, that didn't really seem like something for me. Oh that totally changed my life... I dunno if that's a good thing. I met the twins there. First it was J that "pursued" me... Okay no fucking joke... I was like completely like NOT into this kid... Let's see he's about 5'9, 110 lbs when wet, and omg the incarnation of that kid that sits behind Helga Pataki and breathes hard until she punches him... you know the kid....


Not only is this kid "madly in love with me" after the first day of me hanging out with him (in my defense we hung out mainly because me and Bug were total ditchers and didn't go to any of the land nav. things, we had to accept tutoring from this little dude... we had no choice... hahah...) Ick, I was honestly repulsed... sad day huh? I mean I was flattered, but kid came at me all wrong... wanted to hold hands the second time we hung out, 3 years younger than me, all like NO! Geez, then he asked me out in the middle of Captain M's class... Holy shit I almost died... not sure if I was more embarrassed, or just wanted to laugh my ass off... oh  yeah...well i ended up sitting in class passing notes back in forth with him about how I was nowhere near ready for a relationship (recap, I.J had just broken up like not even a month prior, so yeah I was not lying) also, I was like dude, my baby bro is three months older than you... hell to the no, that is just not okay! And I was pretty freaking polite about it okay. I seriously have the worst luck with this crap... go back to jr. high, remember Trevor?! Ugh I'm such an asshole!!! Poor Trevor... okay joke's on me, according to FB, he's married, a marine, and doing pretty okay for himself. Sweet, now that I got that off my conscience, back tothe story... sorry I get sidetracked... attention span of a puppy lol...


So anywhoo... Somewhere along the lines his TWIN brother G got to me... yes you read that right... for those of you who know, I know you're thinking somewhere along the lines of ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? So I dated this guy with an entire different approach, mainly because my ovaries aren't getting any younger, I seriously did want to settle down and whatnot, and I figured why the hell not?! 


<break time... aparantley this has become a lengthy one, so grab a chair folks, and hang on tight for part 2 of this... coming soon>


sorry guys, i kinda ended up annoying myself because of the super long (although somewhat comical) ramblings... and besides part two leads to the... ahem, fresher wounds. So hang tight i'll get to that and eventually sum all this shit up! <3 

Curiouser and curiouser!

So this happens to be a product of my boredom. Welcome to my mind I guess... this is where I'll spill out the occasional problem, word vomit, nonsense, and anything else I might be pondering. I don't want to be judged, laughed at, felt sorry for or anything... this page is mainly personal. If I invite you in, welcome but I am forewarning you... please do not be offended by the content of this blog. I remind you that my feelings usually tend to change once I get a chance to sort them out. I won't apologize for any of my views, graphic stories, language, thoughts, feelings or anything else that may or may not appear in a post.


So, I give you the things I have to get off my chest. Some are comical, some heartbreaking and some... I have no idea what I was thinking... <3 I suppose I should post some sort of a little intro here, but sit tight, we have all the time in the world to get to know me. Relax a little we won't be doing anything too painful, at least not on the first date ;) Also, a quick heads up... I am completely sparatical.  There's no real timeline to this whole thing, and no real point to it besides it being a sort of insight/release to my crazyness I suppose.


Well there you go, there's an intro... till next time!


Love, me <3