Twu wove fohwevaaah...

So, what is it? 
I'm sitting here typing this in my ex-boyfriend's shirt and my undies... pretty pathetic, but don't judge, I just got out of  an hour bath where I sat and  almost completely read through a Nicholas Sparks novel before stopping myself and thinking, "What the fuck is this?" Not that I feel like the book is total baloney, it was kinda cute... but honestly, is that shit even real? I ask because I don't think I have ever had that happen to me. I mean, okay not to sound like a wounded puppy, but how come I don't have that love? Shit, I even love those that don't love me back. I'm not talking about family or friends, I am talking about the love you feel for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I mean is it really THAT fucking amazing? And if so, why hasn't it happened to me?!


Okay so here's what my experience with love has been like:
Hmmm... I was in love with one E.C in second grade. Yes, I was a flirt back then. Only problem was E.C didn't like me, and J.G. (How the hell do I remember their names haha) did. J.G happened to be the big kid in class, and I as a mean ass 8 year old, said I didn't like him back. I should've given the poor kid a chance... I seriously think I've been cursed since then!


Middle school, I was definitely socially awkward. All for a good reason too, freakking math teacher "confused me" with Brittany C. A) Major slap in the face B) WTF am I that icky looking? C) I'm not even THAT fat!!! <~mean, I know but GEEZ!!!! Anyways sometime in Jr. High I discovered I had boobs and so did everyone else. Uh first kiss was awkward and came more out of peer pressure than anything. Just like my first time doing most things, totally peer pressure... Future advice for you kids, FUCK the "cool" kids, look out for #1 and do things when you feel it's right. Not telling you to never try anything either, but most of the "everybody's doing it" shit is probably most likely bad for you... and trust me, after high school NOBODY FUCKING CARES!!!


Moving on to my high school glory days, let's see Varsity Softball as a sophomore most deff got to my head. So I went through my crazy times, especially because of stupid peer pressure and well... Sometime when I was like 16 I lost my virginity. At the time I didn't think anything of it, it wasn't that great. My [bio] mom found out and said something along the lines of me being "damaged goods," Yeah that still stings in the back of my mind. So as much as I wanted to sleep around, to piss her off as much as she pissed me off, I knew it wasn't worth it. It also didn't help that I had a reputation to keep up. I lost my Varsity spot my senior year, let's face it I was never the same after surgery and I got fat and out of shape from being in bed for about 6 months. Shitty, huh? So I stuck with being a trainer. I was always in the training room anyways, and it was my off season activity, anything to avoid going home. Being a trainer, I was either put into two categories: Friend-zoned or chased after like some sort of forbidden fruit. Yeah I had "crushes" here and there on some of the athletes, but I also got to know them, and I mean really know them... to where they were a bunch of scumbags in uniform anyways. So I never dated anyone in my school career... I had a steady FWB thing with A.J for a couple years, but even then, I didn't consider that a relationship.


So moving on to college years... I was with J.V for almost a year before he decided "I was too young for him..." Me 18, him 21... I would get mad that he would go out drinking, I couldn't come along, but other girls could, and well... that was that. Sometime after that I was raped and really didn't want anything to do with men for ever. Sometimes I regret not going to counseling for that. Sometime after that, I had a thing with   I.J. We weren't dating, but it was almost like it. We were living together, we went on dates all the time, and also had a little physical thing going on. For like two years. We actually would tell his schoolmates we ran into, as well as mine, that we were married. So obviously I was under the illusion that "this was the one" I wanted to get married to this kid, have his babies, all that jazz... turns out the feelings weren't mutual. So 2 years later, a horribly messy break up of sorts, including some hateful words and whatnot, and me moving out... I was like WTF!!!


Well.finally after sort of sewing my wild oats, I was just like eff this shit and decided to emotionally shut the fuck down. I think I started school in the worst mood possible. Not only was I entirely clingy to my mom after the breakup with I.J, the last thing I wanted was to live on campus and go to a Christian university, and be away from home, but at least it kept me and I.J out of each other's paths. I mean we lived within miles of my parent's house, had mutual friends, all that shit you have when you're "together" with someone for two whole years. Yeaaaahh... so anyways. I start school and start trying new things. Mainly because my roommates kinda talked me into it. Damn you peer pressure! Well... letsee I tried ROTC for a while, that didn't really seem like something for me. Oh that totally changed my life... I dunno if that's a good thing. I met the twins there. First it was J that "pursued" me... Okay no fucking joke... I was like completely like NOT into this kid... Let's see he's about 5'9, 110 lbs when wet, and omg the incarnation of that kid that sits behind Helga Pataki and breathes hard until she punches him... you know the kid....


Not only is this kid "madly in love with me" after the first day of me hanging out with him (in my defense we hung out mainly because me and Bug were total ditchers and didn't go to any of the land nav. things, we had to accept tutoring from this little dude... we had no choice... hahah...) Ick, I was honestly repulsed... sad day huh? I mean I was flattered, but kid came at me all wrong... wanted to hold hands the second time we hung out, 3 years younger than me, all like NO! Geez, then he asked me out in the middle of Captain M's class... Holy shit I almost died... not sure if I was more embarrassed, or just wanted to laugh my ass off... oh  yeah...well i ended up sitting in class passing notes back in forth with him about how I was nowhere near ready for a relationship (recap, I.J had just broken up like not even a month prior, so yeah I was not lying) also, I was like dude, my baby bro is three months older than you... hell to the no, that is just not okay! And I was pretty freaking polite about it okay. I seriously have the worst luck with this crap... go back to jr. high, remember Trevor?! Ugh I'm such an asshole!!! Poor Trevor... okay joke's on me, according to FB, he's married, a marine, and doing pretty okay for himself. Sweet, now that I got that off my conscience, back tothe story... sorry I get sidetracked... attention span of a puppy lol...


So anywhoo... Somewhere along the lines his TWIN brother G got to me... yes you read that right... for those of you who know, I know you're thinking somewhere along the lines of ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? So I dated this guy with an entire different approach, mainly because my ovaries aren't getting any younger, I seriously did want to settle down and whatnot, and I figured why the hell not?! 


<break time... aparantley this has become a lengthy one, so grab a chair folks, and hang on tight for part 2 of this... coming soon>


sorry guys, i kinda ended up annoying myself because of the super long (although somewhat comical) ramblings... and besides part two leads to the... ahem, fresher wounds. So hang tight i'll get to that and eventually sum all this shit up! <3