Promises, Promises

And here I am with all these broken promises just kind of picking up the pieces. And I refuse to cry. Eff that! I refuse to let him ruin my Christmas! So I give his shit away, the stuff I spend hundreds of dollars on picking out piece by piece, all wrapped and under the tree. I returned what I could and got my money back at most places, my brothers raided what was left, and a few stragglers here and there I gave to friends. I even bought myself all kinds of stuff with that extra money. And I still feel like shit. Awesome job kid, awesome job. So guess what I do, I decide I don't give a fuck about you, or anything you said, did, made me do, nothing. And no, I'm not throwing my morals out the window, but I am done being tied down to your stupid rules. So your friend asks me if I want to go to Zoolights? You are damned skippy I wanna go to Zoolights. And so I develop a crush on said friend, can't help it, he's been nothing but nice and supportive and cute the whole time. And he got me a present! So, eff you Gabe.

"I'm only twenty-three for another hour give or take
I'm a fan of yours and I need a good mistake
I'm not a seller or a preacher all I have is sight of hand
I do magic tricks for the boys in the band"

So we also start texting non stop. From early morning, till late at night. And we start hanging out. I go visit him at the dorms, bring him freshly baked peanut butter kiss cookies, fully knowing you were there. And all you do is freak out and run away. Like a baby back bitch. Fine... Then and there is where I stopped chasing you. You wanna go? Go. Run away... I invite him to Christmas activity party at my house, and guess what my family actually likes him. Because he's not a jerk, he has a sense of humor, and he's here, making me feel better and making me forget about you.


"Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
I'll swing if you hand me, hand me the bat"

So... I'm not sure if I imagined it but did you lace your fingers around mine during grace? And so I flirt back, because I am a natural flirt. And my oh my I find you as super attractive. So I wanna hang out with you some more. And I have you come over to my apartment. To watch movies with me and my friends. And we start snuggling. And holding hands.


"I'm on the road of least resistance
I rather give up than give in to this
So promise me only one thing would you
Just don't ever make me promises. No promises."

And we keep flirting. And we keep texting. And I get more and more upfront. And bolder. And I start falling harder. Oh no... So you spend the night with me. And you are such a good snuggler. And you are so warm. And I'm not sure if you kissed me or I kissed you first. I dunno. You were sleeping. I was sleeping. Idk. but I like it. Your kisses are sweet. And I wanna bite those lips. So I do. And so we end up making out... all night long.

"I've never done this before
promises, promises
But i'm enjoying the illusion and the things my body says
Now you see me, now you don't
oh how well you disappear
what are you running from and may I interfere"

And I know you have someone. But then what are you doing here with me? Are you lonely? Is it because she's far away? Is everything falling apart over there and I'm just giving you an extra push. ? Do you need a booty call? Am I just that? Easy huh... It's been too long since I did anything anyways. Since anyone has touched me like that. Am I still attractive then? I was beginning to feel like I was undesirable. Oh so I am more than willing. I crave the contact, and I crave the attention. And I want it. Usually I get what I want. And although I'm about to unleash my inner whore, I am getting what I want. And getting it from a cute boy. And he rocked the boat. Actually he rocked my world.

"Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
Id swing if you hand me, hand me the bat oh,
Baby can I be the rabbit in your hat
I'd swing if you hand me, hand me the bat"

Oh geez. Well at least I made him wait. Sort of. I tried to stop him. Except for I didn't. Because I wanted him to keep going. And so we did it. More than once, and oh my gwah it was mind blowing. Inexperienced as he was it was fucking great! And not just the bow chica bow wow aspect of it all. Try having someone that is EXACTLY like you of the opposite sex, and not falling for them. Hell on top of that, he was complete emotional support. Remember the heartbreak you were experiencing? No, me neither... I'm busy getting support somewhere else. Enough to where I am secure enough and feel loved enough. So why not make him all mine? So I started pushing harder. Somewhere along the lines I let my heart go. Bad idea. Bad choices were made, things were said that weren't meant. Promises made and broken, along with hearts.

"I'm on the road of least resistance
I rather give up than give in to this
So promise me only one thing would you
Just don't ever make me promises. No promises."

I don't blame anyone. I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm a big girl. Did it hurt? Hell yes it hurt. Mainly because I had unexpectedly fallen for it. I think the main thing here is I wanted to get chosen for once. And that's what he promised. I think he bit off more than the could chew. To tell the truth, before he left I thought I had won. I had finally gotten chosen. Before he got on the plane he said "I love you." I believed it. And the texts became less and less. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And then doubt started creeping in, but I fought it. Of course he was up there visiting her. And no I didn't expect him not to. If he was going to come back to me, he would have to get rid of her. And so whatever it takes, I try to be patient. If there's one thing I've learned about guys is that you let them take care of their business on their own time. I guess that's how I was raised. Ask once, don't push the issue after that.

So I leave it be. Think positive. Hey my mom let me drive her brand new car. In the rain. I'm excitedly texting him about how excited I that he is coming back. He's at the airport. He's going to call me when he lands. He had to go, his plane was boarding. And that's when my sissy decides to drop a bomb on me. I'm still driving in the rain. And she says go look on Facebook. I'm like oookkaaayyy... So I look (hooray for smart phones?) and I see what she meant. A lovely picture of him and his hickeys, love bites she called them. So proud of them he was. With a smug little smile, saying yep I made my choice... not you. And I was shocked. Like kicked in the stomach, slapped in the face and spit on. So here's me driving in the rain, crying my eyes out and not being very careful. I got pulled over. Fucking fantastic eh? Good thing the officer understood what I said to him through my sobs. He had me sit there till I could calm down and let me drive home. Only good thing that happened to me that night.

And so I get beyond pissed when I get the next message from him. Nice hickeys I say. I really wanted to say how could you. I wasn't mad that he didn't chose me at this point. I was hurt about the way I found out. So not only did I lose my best friend at this point, I was also humiliated. And so instead of being sad, I was infuriated. And my pride was hurt. Worst thing to hurt about me is my pride. Because at this point that was all I had.

And I so I am now an official emotional wreck. Because everything that I had been stacking up came tumbling down. And and worse yet, I didn't have my emotional support to talk to. My mom wasn't any help. Because all she could do was be sad for me. It was like a fucking funeral whenever anyone was around me, everyone whispering, everyone talking about "how horrible" and "how sad"... a fucking funeral. I can hear you guys! I'm standing right here. I just wanted to sink into the smallest hole and disappear. And I knew I still had to put on a smile and get out there. Because one thing about life, no matter how sad you are, no matter what is going on in your life, whether your dog died or your child got taken away, whether you were robbed or heartbroken, life goes on without you. And that includes your job. That includes bills, and past due payments and life. So man up bitch. That's what I had to do... Man up.

And that is just about the hardest thing to do. Because I had heartbreak I had put on the back burner and that came down too. And so maybe being a supervisor was too much for me. Maybe I need a freakking break. Only losing a friend is a million times worse that losing someone you liked. A friend is a huge part of you, they are the ones that make you, you. And like it or not, friendships, like all relationships, must be worked on. It's gotta be one of the toughest things to put your pride aside in order too get your friends back. And my pride is a huge thing for me. But set it aside, because being prideful is awful lonely. And he isn't the first to make a mistake. Didn't you love him? Didn't you know what you were getting yourself into? Weren't you part of it too? You are just as much to blame. So, hypocrite, you won't forgive him? Like so many times you've been forgiven? When did you become so much better than anyone.