8/31/12

There's something about me that doesn't take "No" for a satisfactory answer. I will push until I get the answer to why. Sometimes the underlying reason hurts, but at least there's been a reason given. Sometimes there's no rhyme for the reason. That's the part that sucks the most. When you just know there is nothing you can do, or say to change someone's answer. It just is that way. That's another thing that I don't like settling for. There's always a why to that too. Remember being a kid and constantly asking why until the answer was satisfactory? This is kind of like that, but at the same time it's a battle of wits. Are you tough enough for the truth? Sometimes I wonder that too. Maybe I can't handle the truth. Of course without clarification, all truth is subject to interpretation. And that can be a dangerous thing too.

Hawt outside: Ode to Arizona...

Eddie Bello                                                      08.04.09
                                                                5:26PM

Dear sun,
Hey there..., hi.
Okay so lately you're little rays of sunshine have been acting
Like little fuckers its all kinds
Of hot
and You're company is no longer
Fun. I'm not enjoying you
Shoving your fuckin
Sunshine down my throat ;) Its.
Like 100 and hott fuckin degrees outside,
And while we're on
The t0opic, you're stupid sunshine killed my rose bush
Now I expect to be reimbursed for my
Losses. Now, I'm asking you as a last attempt to not hate
You. Stop trying to bake me, I already get baked.
and I'm already brown. I'm good.
In return I'll try to stop flipping you off and calling
You names when I'm
Walking to work.
No promises.
I don't want to hate you
But you're coming dangerously close.

Sincerely
Eddie-Bello



This is something Eddie posted on my wall... after I was complaining about the heat. I saved it <3

When everything else is gone

You know who's quick at bailing on people as soon as shit gets uncomfortable? Everyone. Because lazyness overcomes the reason why pride should be set aside. Just like when you let something gather dust and instead of cleaning it, you end up throwing out a perfectly good something.

It's always easier to tell people, "Oh you deserve better than that," and "I told you so." Habit makes me get defensive. Habit and the fact that just because a relationship end, doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. I know I'm wrong, that's why I'm defensive. Also, seriously make the cliché's go away. They drive me nuts. I know I use them too, but you guys need to start being original. Or I will not accept your advice.

Why is it that it's always the same person that I need to ask advice about, but I can't talk to him about it? Because, remember last night? That's why. Because it's a you get what you see kind of deal. That's usually what it's like. Friends with benefits. Who's benefits exactly? But what if it's not just like that. It's being in a relationship without the title. Again, no benefits.

Anyways, not my main topic here. What am I going to do? The usual. Forgive, wait a few weeks, get hurt or rejected or set aside (combine or optional), get angry, repeat. 200 calories, serves one. Because I go against the flow. I don't want to be that everyone. That part that gives up too easily, I just don't do that. Only when it is out of my hands, do I ever let it go. I try not to waste relationships, we all know I have very few. Each day it feels like the population in my world is less and less. Maybe it's my turn to do nothing. I'm always so against letting something go to waste. I will fight tooth and nail till the end. Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe that's the end.

Do I forgive you? In a heartbeat. Usually. But like I said. I'm tired. I'm tired of all the hard work it takes, and it feels like I'm the only one making an effort. Because I am constantly chasing you. Begging you. And it fucking sucks.

We both know who has it easier to move on. I don't blame you for anything, nor am I asking you to take responsibility for anything. I just want to make you aware of it. Point it out, highlight it, mark it in bold. So you try not to do it again.As for me, I'm done making an effort. No more chasing for me. No more One More Nights, or Addicted's, or any other songs. I'll continue being an agoraphobic. Stay in the confines of my little world.



Said me during wishful thinking.

Quitter

8/28/12

So.

To quit or not to quit.

I keep saying I will. An addiction is always bad. You're only hurting yourself. I know, all you guys want me to. Because you're concerned friends. But I get defensive. I don't want your I told you so's and you know betters. Keep them, you're wasting your words.

So I guess I'm gonna keep waiting for rock bottom. Because that's what all addicts do. Or they keep using till it kills them. Better to die in fake bliss than real misery. We all know where this is headed.

So I'm pretty much fucking annoyed. Not annoyed. Angry. Yup, pretty angry. Because I'm kind of tired of bullshit. And it feels like a fucking recurring topic here. Once again I fell for it. Hopes up, then BOOM! BASH! BAM! dropped again. Same shit different day, and then you wonder why I even react to it anymore. All because I ignore common sense. I don't listen to the little alarms going off in my head.

I don't know why I bother. Every single time, without fail, it fucking breaks my heart. And it fucking hurts. And you keep doing it. I have every inclination for calling it quits. Because this hurts. You win. My feelings got involved. I can't handle it.

You confuse me. You make me out to be this amazing, beautiful, wonderful person. I only see it because you do. You point it out. You have me in the backup zone. Because you know I'll stay there. You tell me what I want to hear. All these "You're cute," "You're amazing,"'s all the things I try not to respond to. But I fall for them. And you know. You know just how to turn me on. Then you go ahead and put me on the back burner. Or in the fridge.

Let me clarify something for you: FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT JESSICA. FUCK YOU. I AM NOT HER, I AM NOTHING LIKE HER, AND YOU WON'T EVEN STOP TO FUCKING LOOK AT THAT. You keep looking in the rearview, while there is a head on collision about to happen. Don't compare me to her. I don't deserve that.

And I lose. I lose because I do care. It does hurt. I lose because you can't and won't ever think about my feelings. You just wont. And it fucking breaks my heart. How much plainer do you want this? Do you not see it? Don't you care at all? I guess not. I'm just your fuck buddy anyways. Nothing more. But best way to string me along is to keep lying to me. Keep me interested.

You want to put a stop to it, then you turn around and change your mind. On the same day. Tell me you honestly don't understand why I'm hurt or confused. I said I could handle it. I lied. Sue me. But I can't let you keep doing this to me. And I do let you. I want more than just sex. But we'll never take it past that. Because it's not convenient for you.

I'm gonna give you this advice. Until you stop looking at what's in your past, you're never going to have a good future. Hanging on to the past.

Crying to sleep

Because that was a low blow. That was beyond shitty. Kick me while I'm down. Right after you give me a slap in the face. No. I'm not good and dandy.

Some friend. That wasn't just mean, that was cruel.

No excuse for that. Tired and mad? What are you mad about? How the hell did this get turned around on me? All because I didn't want to talk about something that upset me? You know what fucking upset me more? You did.

Congratulations.

More random stuff about me... in case you're interested

This is a survey thing I was tagged on Facebook with lol. I'll share some more stuff about me with you peeps. Because I don't care that much about people on FB. So here you go... more random stuff about me:


Age: 23
Birthday : February 11th

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage : Water, I think. I am really trying to cut down on all the pop.

2. Last phone call: That I made: My uncle Louis, ask him something my mom wanted to know lol and that I answered: My auntie in Portland, whom just had a fat baby boy.

3. Last text message : Cal... duh... lol. Idk if I can do a day without messaging him. Except the days when I get mad at him and say I'm never talking to him again. But then I do anyways because I miss him. Lol geez best friend you are really the only reason I would have text messaging on my phone.

4. Last song : "Amarillo by Morning" by George Strait. I'm feeling rather country-ish today. Listening to country to me is sort of like eating comfort food, without the calories lol.

5. Last time you cried : couple days ago... out of frustration with life and stuff. Crying makes me feel better, so it's okay.



HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: No, unless you count a three week break in between dating. Then we broke up again a week after that. For good. I guess you can say, it didn't work out.

7. Been cheated on: Yes... pretty shitty

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Hahah yes. Because it was a dare. And I was not into the kiss, and there was slobber everywhere and just... no.

9. Lost someone special: Yes

10. Been depressed: Clinically, fixing it...

11. Been drunk and threw up: Surprisingly, no. I also never have hangovers.



LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Pink

13. Red

14. Black



SINCE LAST YEAR (2011), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: Yes a few.

16. Fallen out of love: For the most part, I'm kind of done with love.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes

18. Met someone who changed you: Yes, many someones. Not sure if for the better or for the worst. But they have managed to change me. I guess that makes them a part of me. Like it or not.

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yup. Pretty shitty process, but at least the true blue friends stayed. And I love them. Then again, if you do leave my life at some point, know that I love you.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes, people are ign'ant

21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list? Geez I feel like a bit of a whore right now... ummm... total of 3 people... Dee our cheek kisses count, right?



GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: 99%.. the 1% are celebrities

24. Do you have any pets: Mah kitteh Coco the spoiledest cat evar.

25.Do you want to change your name: Sometimes lol, then again it's so different so it makes me my unique self. The whole not falling in line thing here. I that one sheep that keeps running away from the flock. I'm still a sheep, but one of the trouble maker ones. Also one of the not boring, entertaining ones who does tricks ones. I'm a cool sheep. :) baaaa...

26. What did you do for your last birthday: Woke up with a cute boy in mah bed, went to a comedy club, drank all night, shit went downhill from there... messaged said cute boy a humiliating/ scary text... kinda hate myself for doing so.

27. What time did you wake up today: 11ish

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Blogging, applying for jobs, spicing up mah resume, chewing my nails, Stumbling upon stuff...

29. Whats something you can't wait for: To have a job!!! And probably to get my life back on track. I am a mess. Other than that, everything can wait for me. I'm taking my time doing stuff.

30. Last time you saw your Dad: last weekend, It's been every other weekend for the past 5 years, on and off... sometimes I put it off and I feel guilty, because I forget that he misses us and he's staying out of trouble for us. At the same time, Mexico is freaking boring. And hot. And I miss having the internets while down there.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: That is a tough question. Not the past because without it, I wouldn't be who I am now. Maybe the part where I wear my heart on my sleeve, but at the same time, I love to give love. Maybe my weight, even though that one just takes dedication and discipline. So idk. I think I'm on the right road now... on second thought... California. THAT was a terrible idea. Dear friends, next time I have a terrible idea like that, please tell me: "No. Shut up, that's a stupid idea." I promise to listen. You could also try to be more convincing.

32. What are you listening to right now: Moonlight Sonata

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?:  Yes, he was on my team during Survivor at Mesa High, we renamed him TOM-a-HAWK... for two reasons, he needed to get his fierce face on, and he had a cute little faux-hawk

34. What's getting on your nerves right now: My hair. It's a wild mess.

35. Most visited webpage: Facebook, mah blog, Stumbleupon, YouTube, Pandora

36. Whats your most favorite thing in the universe?: Possibly kittens. They make me smile. Or anything that makes me smile really. Simple stuff that makes me feel happy

37. Relationship status: single-ish? Don't ask me this question...

39.Zodiac Sign: Aquarious

40. He or She:  I is a she :) I has bewbs and a 'gina... fo sho.

41. Elementary: 109th Street Elementary (real original lol) and Roosevelt Elementary both in LA

42. Middle/High School: Taylor Jr, Mesa Jr, Mesa High

43. College: Well I am a mutt... with no degree lol... MCC, UoP, GCU, and even Apollo/Carrington college

44. Hair color: Naturally? It's Auburn. It grows out strawberry blonde, then darkens to auburn. Right now, it's colored a dark chocolatey brown. I don't think that counts as being a ginger, because I has more brown in it than red.

45. Long or short hair: Awkward growing stage where it's too long to be short hair, but too short to be long hair.

46. Height: 5'3 (add 3/4" if I'm wearing shoes)

47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Pretty established that it's more than a crush, but not sure what it is. Although I will admit that I have a crush on him. Because I get all stupid and awkward and butterly-ish when he's around.

48. What do you like about yourself ?: That I am effing hilarious. I tend to forget this from time to time, but I have a sense of humor on me! That and even though right now I'm going through a "blue period" I have small bursts of my confidence come through every now and then. I am the class clown. The one that wants all the attention. So my humor and confidence. Also I'm a nice person, as much as I try to be mean. I think the world needs more nice people. Because mean people suck. Yeah I'm the girl that smiles at you when walking by and randomly says hello, and pays for people's orders at the drive thru, and holds doors open, and all that good jazz. If you had a good day because I was nice to you, you're welcome. :)

49. What color are your nails: right now? The shade is called Almost a Diamond, and it's a shimmery black. I like that its name basically means a coal lol, but it's not as opaque. It's shimmery. So, almost a diamond.

50. Tattoos : none... yet! I really do want to have a cool sleeve. I think I would deff want something custom. I guess time will tell. I'm so picky and want it all to be perfect and stuff. Because it's permanent.

51. Righty or lefty: Left hand dominant, but I write with my right... right.



FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: Right knee, torn ACL and MCL I now has cadaver parts in there... They belonged to a weather man. I can now predict the weather. Okay they didn't really belong to a weather man, but still, my knee knows when it's gonna rain.

53. First piercing: My mom pierced my ears when I was two days old. It's a Mexican thing. Anyways the nurses at the hospital threw a fit about it, saying I could get an infection. For one thing, what's more sterile than a hospital!? Also, at least there was no confusion as to whether I was a boy or a girl. And I don't remember the pain. When I got my tragus piercings, as well as my cartilages, tongue, Monroe, snake bites, other ear piercings done, I remember there was some freaking discomfort. At least I don't remember how painful that shit was. So, thanks mom, for not hating piercings.

54. First best friend: I believe it was Suzy or Maria.

55. First sport you joined: T-ball lol I was effing awesome at it. Then softball.

56. First vacation: Geez idk, we traveled too much when I was a kid. As an adult, I guess I have yet to plan one and carry it out on my own, but with family, we vacation often I guess.



RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: Nothing, it's way too late and I'm not even hungry.

60. Drinking: Nothing, I'm in bed

61. I'm about to: Take a shower, or a bath... Idk I need to wash my hair. Even though it's late

62. Listening to: Pandora, playing now: Troublemaker by Weezer

63. Waiting for: idk really lol "A Certain Shade of Green" as Incubus would put it. If you don't know what I mean look it up.



YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: Yes, but I am far from ready for them. I want to be a good mom, and that includes being able to support them financially and emotionally. I want my kids to have the best of the best, but also to appreciate the little things in life. I also need to find someone willing to have babies with me lol. And not one who will run away, or be a jerk. You can break my heart all you want, but I am deff not allowing that for my kids.

65. Get Married?: Eventually... see above. But I am in no rush. Because I want to find that one that's in it for the long run and who will really stick around for better or for worse. I don't believe in divorce. So it will take a special kind of man (bless his heart) to put up with me. On the plus side, I am a freaking excellent catch. I will have your babies, cook, clean, love you, always be interested in sex, have meaningful conversations with you, teach you stuff, learn from you, fight with you but resolve stuff, fight with you just for fun, play fight, watch your dumb movies and sports, appreciate you for you, raise your kids, be your teammate not your opponent (unless a video game is involved), let you have a man cave, and grow old with you. Plus I'm pretty good looking and have nice bewbs.

66. Career?: This one is a tough choice for me. I am thinking possibly a Zoologist/ Veterinarian. Nurse is still in there somewhere. Maybe when I'm ready to retire, I would like to teach.



WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes: Hmmmm idk sometimes both.

68. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the day, I love me some hugs :)

69. Shorter or taller: Taller because I am short, and it bothers me that I am the shortest one in my family, even though I am the second oldest.

70. Older or Younger: According to my track record, younger. Yup, I is a cradle robber lol. But idk, I guess it depends on their mentality.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic with a touch of spontaneous. Because I like surprises.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms, I like to be held lol

73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I hate loudmouth jerks. They usually have small penises and are compensating for that with their dick-ish personality.

74. Hook-up or relationship: For the most part, relationship. I have always had some sort of relationship with the person I sleep with, but not necessarily the title of boyfriend/girlfriend

75. Funny or Shy?: Funny lol. But you have to have my sense of humor lol.



HAVE YOU EVER :

77. Drank hard liquor: Sure have

78. Been in love: I don't know. I thought I was, only I guess I fell out of love. And I certainly love a few people in my life. I'll have to come back to you on this one.

79. Wanted to die: Unfortunately, yes, more than once. I am learning to use my words now.

80. Broke someone's heart: I have, but it's not like they didn't take a chunk of mine with them.

81. Had your own heart broken: Very painfully yes.

82. Been arrested: No. I am a goody two shoes.

83. Turned someone down: Yes, awkwardly. I still feel bad.

84. Cried when someone died: Well yeah! I mean family especially, but if you were part of my life and no longer there, that is tough. And death is so permanent. There have been burnt bridges in my life, falling outs, even angry words, but nothing has been as terrible as death.



DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: Sometimes, I am starting to more and more again.

87. Miracles: Sure do.

88. Love at first sight: I'll tell you when that happens to me. I am not very superficial, so I prefer brains. I like to know what people are like on the inside. I like a quote by Andy Warhol that says: "People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

89. Heaven: Yes, only one way to get there, believing in Jesus :)

90. Santa Clause: Yes. He's the spirit of Christmas :) and although I celebrate more of a pagan Christmas (kinda bad, I know, but Jesus knows I love him) It's not the gifts themselves that I like about Christmas. I like the memories, the time spent together, the activities, decorating, carols, sweets, the season. This year will probably be the hardest Christmas for me. And I am afraid to face it. But I will make the best of it, one way or another. I know I'll have my own place by then, so I am planning to have a Christmas party for people who don't have anyone to celebrate it with. Because my family really only celebrates Christmas eve. Mexicans are weird.

91. Tooth Fairy: Hahah I used to. It's a fun tradition.

92. Angels: Of course :)

Proud Mary

"Left a good job in the city,
Workin for the man ev'ry night and day
And I never lost a minute of sleepin'
Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been

Big wheel keep on turnin'
Proud Mary keep on burnin'
rollin', rollin' rollin' on the river..."-- Tina Turner <3

So I'm up this late... Looking for a job. Because little proud Mary me decided California was a great idea. Okay not really. But reality is, I need a job A. S. A. P. And I am seriously desperate now. I have been without a job since April, spent April and May in Sacramento, Spent most of June looking for a job here, and the beginning of July, I spent in a mental institution. The rest of July I spent in Mexico. It is now towards the end of August. Nothing yet. I am so impatient. And kind of a snob when it comes to where I work. I am so quick to turn up my nose at anything below double digits. There are two sides to this argument. One being that I know I simply can't survive on that. Second one being, anything is better than nothing.

My resume, which gets molded to perfection and edited every time I apply for a different position, is quite extraordinary. I am bilingual in Spanish, and I have an impeccable customer service track record. I have management experience. I can do it all... So why am I not getting called!?

None of this "I blame the economy" bullshit. I mean I do, but in reality those job openings are there, so the jobs are there. It's all a matter of how I am presenting myself. I have to sell myself and show them what I can do. Most hiring managers are pretty sick of Times New Roman, 12 pt. font Joe Schmoe. They want this hiring process to be as easy as possible for them, they want the right person. This is almost like a dating game. Where those Casanovas with the charms will get the job and leave the rest of the potential employees in the dust. Dog eat dog world.

So what to do? Build my way up, start at a low paying job for now, while I recover from this major blow? Or get in there and sell myself real good. I mean show them I am way better than anyone else. Give them a reason to remember me. That's who they want for their company. Not average, boring Joe Schmoe, who is just there to pass the time and collect a paycheck. These are things I have actually conversed with hiring managers at various places I've been employed at.

Same thing I always get when people say why they hired me: my bubbly personality. It is a gift and a curse. Because it annoys me. I am also pretty freaking intelligent and totally rock at doing whatever it is you asked me to do. But yeah way to ignore my qualifications.

Anyways I have also received notices about being over qualified and shit. Can you believe that! Fucking kidding me right? I am stinkin unemployed, I will flip burgers, I don't even care... Actually true story, I do care. I just can't work with food. For two reasons: It makes me super fat, and it makes me hate said food. Places that are forever ruined for me: Subway and Village Inn. Yup.

Registered Medical Assistant AND Physical Therapy Technician certifications: double check those bitches. Yeah while going to MCC I decided to go ahead and go to Apollo College and get both of these, for you know, job security. Well this shit stinks. I have all these scrubs (all like two sizes two small now) that I don't wear because this route sucks. I have the worst luck with these places. On top of that, I feel like I need to take a refresher course.

Anyways more on this to come, I have filled out a total of 6 applications tonight and my hands ache. I'm going to bed. More to come on this subject.

<3 ya'll

Yes, I thought about all that

Can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. I'm not sure why I chose to fight sleep during night time, you know, the time people usually sleep. While most are snoozing, I am awake. Me and my thoughts. Some good, some bad, some... well all sorts of thoughts. And everyone else in the house is asleep, and not bothering me. I have come to really miss living by my lonesome. Because I could do my own thing, now I have to work around everyone's schedules and stuff. My brain doesn't work like that.

Major thoughts in my head during quiet times:

• Things that worry me
• Things I need to do
• The what if's
• Things I miss
• Things I don't miss
• The I wonders
• Things I wish I could
• Funny things
• Heart things
• Food
• The past
• Sex
• Scary thoughts
• Things my cat might be up to because it's awfully quiet right now

Just some things there...

Anyways, as much as I wish I could shut off the brain noise, I can't. So it kinda piles up, and it starts nagging.

"Hey what are you making for lunch tom- you have to keep looking for a j- hey there, how's your thing you have going wit- you seriously need a job, so you can get a pho- you left it on the coffee tab- so, when you get to the grocery store, don't forg- reverse cowgirl, the spider, the man seat, the ho- where is the cat? I think I hear her in the- wanna do arts and craf- you owe a lot of money to- hey brain... shut up!"

Sample of my thoughts... my brain has ADHD... that or it has waaay too much to think about. To top it off, my thoughts are like earworms, they won't go away. That familiar melody playing over and over in your head to where you just want it to get out of your head... I have to pee...I let the cat out of the bathroom where she was trapped, and as her rescuer, she is now allowing me to pet her and scratch her. I am typing one handed now lol.

 

Anyways I kinda wish there was an off switch for my brain. Come to think of it, I wish I had an off button for lots of things. Tough shit, there isn't. So what do you do with all this. All these crazy emotions, all this fear, guilt, love, worry, happiness... all that? I guess it's all a kind of trial and error. For the longest time, I have tried and tried to make things work the way I want them to, regardless of how I feel. And I am just exhausted from all the work that takes. 

The few of you whom I open to, have varying pieces of advice for me. Anywhere from the understanding, loving advice to tough love and a few cliche's being poorly put to use. I love you guys! I have sort of pinpointed a few things that I need to do, although I don't know how to go about things yet. My stupid brain wants to layer things and make my thoughts crazy. So here, I'll organize them thoughts. This isn't really a list with an order, I'm just jotting them down. 

First things first... I need to fix my financial situation. (This part I struggle with... why? Because I should be shifting my total focus to God, praying for Him to show me the way, and all that good stuff... That I struggle with, because I know prayer doesn't work like making a wish, you have to put in some work, dedication and sometimes tears. On the flip side, I need money to survive. Can't share a room with my younger sister forever.) What this means is I have got to get a job, a.s.a.p. 

• Job>> money>> apartment>> car>> phone>> paying off debts>> school>> financial independence

I have really got to set time aside for my well being. Time, I keep acting like I don't have any. Everyday I get a whole 24 hours and I waste the majority of them doing nothing. Bad move... I have to deal with my issues, so I can function properly. I have to start taking time for myself and making myself feel better. I need to get back in shape. I also have to take care of my body, apparently we only get one. So I'll feed it better and keep it hydrated and in shape. I want to be able to have a purpose, not just waste away day by boring day. If I don't, I can't get mad at those that leave me behind and outgrow me. I need to grow as a person. As much as I want to act like I'm grown up, and it pains me to admit it, here goes: I'm just a scared kid. I haven't grown up. Working on it. Not in a hurry anymore. I've only been alive 23 years, don't know if I can say I've lived that many.

• Eat better>> work out>> feel better>> react better>> be happy>> live

This should be #1. No butts. Even though I keep making them. I have to get myself back on track with the Big Man upstairs. Why? Because it's important to me. As much as I try and pretend like it's not, it really is. I want that relationship with Jesus, I want that feeling of being loved, I want that fulfillment of giving, I want to be able to share Him with those who need him. Favorite line: Matthew 9:12 (rough summary): "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Well one of my favorites. Anyways that scripture puts things into perspective in a lot of ways for me. For one thing, I need Jesus more than anything. Secondly, how am I supposed to treat patients, if I am sick. Sick nurses get sent home... same idea here, kinda. What I'm saying is, I have to brush up on my Word.  Along with that, I need to make God my main focus. 

• Y'all need Jesus>> get some Jesus>> pray often>> feel loved>> share Jesus>> seriously get your butt back in church>> keep praying, giving and loving 

Rebuild. Be better. Obviously life wasn't working out in the past, so it had to fall apart, so better things could fall together (yes I'm quoting you, you know who you are... cheesy cliche person!!!) Fine, and I am basically hating this part. You know when you are remodeling your house and you can't use the kitchen/ hall bathroom/ patio... etc. for like ever! But when you finally do, it's all nice and new and shiny!? Well think of this like that. Maybe things just had to be sucky at first, so that later things could be better. Maybe this time around when you try to do something, it'll work better. Be it a relationship, a life style, a project, a career,  a plan to leave Arizona... whatever.

• Rebuild life>> enjoy trial and error>> learn from error>> enjoy life (possibly in the Pacific Northwest, since somebody makes it sound better than sex, possibly incorporating travel and whatnot... I don't know yet)

This is all I can think of so far. I know I'm leaving stuff out, but I think I have gotten enough brain stuff to settle down and whatnot. So I might add to this one later, who knows. Well I think I'm ready for sleeps. Goodnight ya'll. 

Hooray for Colton Lee

<3

BECCAH... You'll appreciate this :)

Remember Grenke?

Oh well hopefully she quit because she was an asshole
anyways... so she lived downstairs from me and she would constantly come knock (like the freaking po-lice!) about us making noise (like 4x a week...) anyways so second semester roomate (other one was russian and was mean to us) and I wanted to make tortillas, well we needed a rolling pin

Rolling pins are about a million dollars, well the nice ones that make tortillas right, so next best thing... a wooden dowel 2 1/2 inches and like a dollar at Walmart
except for the darn things are a million miles long... okay 3 feet long... soooo won't work for my limited counter space so I say alright we need to break this bitch also we are pretty weak and can't manage to break the thing... eventually (this gets pretty ridiculous) we go downstairs and take a swing at a big ass tree to break it, well that works but we have a giant splinter still on there... so I'm like yeah we can totally cut that off with scissors
except for guess what, no scissors anywhere... so I was like I know lets use a knife

cue the butcher knife
okay so I am sitting there trying to cut this friggin splinter off and I was like I'm tired, I know lets use a hammer.... so I hammer the knife (I might've been drunk) and the thing gets stuck

cue Grenke

She starts pounding on my door the minute I decide to pull the knife out, knife is stuck at a weird angle so i pull it out, only it keeps going to where I was holding the dowel... Oh yeah my thumb was there So I filet my thumb right under my fingernail needing not 3

 not 5

 but 7 stitches

Oh yeah, almost forgot, I waited in the ER for 6 hours with my roommate and I bled in her car... Also her Eiffel tower towel was ruined... because I tend to bleed alot

The end.

Wait, P.S I love you Beccah you were a kickass roomie don't hate me for this picture ^_^

Pros vs. Cons

Ever had one of those moments when you think you have dodged a bullet? Only you're not so sure, and the outcome isn't really what you wanted? But then you're also really relieved. But you are sad about things not going the other way. Yeah I had that today. So many cons, so many pros... either way, whatever it is you got isn't really what you wanted. Right, I said that already. But yeah I kinda really hate that that happened. It's like, sorry but thanks for playing! Like buying a lottery ticket, and not winning. Kinda makes you miss that dollar you spent on that ticket. Or you buy a puppy, and yeah the thing is cute and stuff, but then reality sinks in and it's all these vet bills, and responsibility, and they need your time, and you gotta train them and care for them, and they smell... well not so cute anymore.

Anyways I guess I am conflicted about something mainly because I hate not knowing the what if. What if it had gone that way, but then it could've gotten real ugly, real fast. What if it would've been awesome and you know, happily ever after, yay! But you know... Hello annoying unknown.

Fucker...

Well yeah, I guess it's also good news, eh? Some stuff is just not meant to be.

Then why am I kicking myself in the head? Well tune in later folks, there is some optimism to be had just yet! You just wait!

Go Fix Yourself

So in case you haven't noticed, I happen to be a huge Papa Roach fan. It kinda hit me today, I was listening to them on Pandora, and we all know their famous song Scars. Anywhoo, the part that kind of jolted me upright was the part where lead singer Jacoby says, Go fix yourself. and the following lyrics:

I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life.

For the longest time I sat perplexed. Duh. I do need to fix myself and stop dumping everything on everybody. And I realized it all the more today. I am exhausting to deal with, even I know that. It feels to me that I am exhausting my friends. And I want to apologize for that. Because instead of just drowning them in my problems, I should at least TRY to work on them. Not just dump them on someone, throw a tantrum because they aren't telling me what I want to hear and then pretend like no one is helping me. Geez, I feel like an ass. I am sorry.

Where do I start? Where ever I can I guess. I think it's time for me to go solo for a bit. Not that I don't want you guys around, but I feel like I only rain on your parade. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be happy for your accomplishments, been there for your losses. I act all selfish with my "What about me?" attitude. What about me. I have turned into a pain in the ass. The kind that isn't even fun to be friends with anymore. Well, if you'll let me I'll try to make amends. My problem is no excuse, I have been a shitty friend. Again, I'm sorry.

Love, Me.

It's all my fault

If I am closing a chapter in my life, and should be opening a new one, why is it so hard? So hard for me to let go of the past, so hard for me to even take a step forward. I am stuck at the spot where the hardest blow by far has hit me. And I am more than paralyzed. I am at a spot where it sickens me to even think of moving forward. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about where I am today. You know what tears me down the worst? The part where I get my hopes up, you know thinking, “This is it! My time to shine…” Big fat NO… So, I do take it to heart. As much as I lie and put on that fake smile for you all, I do hurt. And it’s the type of hurt that well, hurts the most. And I bottle it up, because what’s the point.
What’s the point of getting mad, I’m the one that has something wrong with me, not everyone else. I am the defective one. How can I try and better the person that I hate the most: myself. I look at myself in the mirror, and only hold contempt. There’s the failure. There’s the cutter. There’s the idiot who can’t do anything right. You are disgusting. Why should anybody love you? You aren’t going anywhere in life.  You’re nothing, nobody. You aren’t wanted. You don’t matter. You are annoying. You are just not worth it. The true thoughts that run through my head… the ones I'm scared to even think out loud.
Sorry to disappoint you dear readers, if there are still any. Your telling me “Oh stop it, you’re beautiful,” are about as meaningless to me as a cashier bidding someone a good day. It's not you. It's me and my way of thinking. And although I am scared of pissing your and my friendship away, like I have with many other things, I am starting to feel like a burden. Maybe you feel it too, probably why I haven't heard from you. Probably why you are distancing yourself. And I feel selfish for asking you to stay. So I won't. No, I'm not the person I used to be, because if you didn't notice I'm kind of in the middle of going through hell. But thanks for the positive re-enforcement. Because, you know that makes me feel waaaayyyy better.
FTT. Failure to thrive. Medical terminology. I can't even stand alone on this one, but it seems to me that I'm kind of surrounded by the wrong elements. My family does not want to deal with me. Their easy fix... send me to Mexico. Because to them I am diseased. I bring shame to them. All this shouldn't surprise me, seeing how I wasn't even part of the family for 6 years, and they never looked for me. I was the one doing all the chasing. Wow. You know, now that I think about it, it kinda puts into perspective my "Love me, love me..." way of being. How I have to beg people to love me. Because I never feel like I'm good enough. And so out of every rejection, I end up chasing people, trying to make them love me. Great. I am obviously fucked up in the head. Wonderful.

yep... my heart's an idiot

It so happens that I have an idiot heart. It gives and trusts and loves too easy. And 99% of the time, it gets broken. It lets itself get trampled on, get devalued and get used. All because it thinks it's being loved. Idiot. And the thing doesn't realize it's not his job to get broken, that's for bones. It's not his job to think, that's for the brain. It's not his job to feel, that one is for the skin. It's not it's job to love, that's not real. It's only function is to pump blood. That's it. Too bad the stupid thing doesn't get it. And then it gets offended when it gets dropped, bruised, bumped, broken. Dropped and broken. How many times have I had to sit and try to put it together. Only the thing goes out on a limb to give bits of itself away. So more and more I end up having less and less of a heart. And while I'm trying to get it together, it shamelessly keeps hurting, as if it was my fault. And then it tries and acts tough, like that was the last time that's ever going to happen. Lies. Foolish thing gets hurt over and over again. I'm running out of bandaids. I'm running out of excuses to make for it. And I'm the one that looks like the idiot. Because that's when the thing decides to stay in it's place and do it's job. Only it pumps extra blood to my face. And when I least expect it someone decides to dump their heart on me too, as if my own weren't enough of a hassle. So here I am trying to protect this other person's heart, and I forget about my own. So it starts by making me blush more. And it starts skip beats more often. And sooner or later it falls in love. Again. Oh stupid thing, when will you learn? Because shortly after, the other person decides they want theirs back. To give to someone else, I wasn't caring for it right. So then they take theirs and mine gets dropped. Time to get the broom and dust pan, I think. Before I know it, it's overflowing in pain, and it takes me with it. So much that I can't concentrate on doing anything. So I have to give it time before I can even try to put it together. Because it makes my eyes fill up with tears, to the point where I can't see a thing. So the day comes when it looks about right, even though it's missing some pieces. It hurts still, but I can live through it. And so I resume life, trying to keep it hidden. Stupid thing... wants to live on my sleeve. Easy target. Gullible even. The idiot everyone laughs at. And I have that as a heart. Great.

old draft...

Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of you, or a memory of you, and it pains me to smile. Because I know you won't be there long, I long to beg of you, could you just stay a while? Then and only then I remember you weren't really here, I just happened to see you and you were stuck inside a tear. A tear I won't let roll down my cheek.