Yes, I thought about all that

Can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. I'm not sure why I chose to fight sleep during night time, you know, the time people usually sleep. While most are snoozing, I am awake. Me and my thoughts. Some good, some bad, some... well all sorts of thoughts. And everyone else in the house is asleep, and not bothering me. I have come to really miss living by my lonesome. Because I could do my own thing, now I have to work around everyone's schedules and stuff. My brain doesn't work like that.

Major thoughts in my head during quiet times:

• Things that worry me
• Things I need to do
• The what if's
• Things I miss
• Things I don't miss
• The I wonders
• Things I wish I could
• Funny things
• Heart things
• Food
• The past
• Sex
• Scary thoughts
• Things my cat might be up to because it's awfully quiet right now

Just some things there...

Anyways, as much as I wish I could shut off the brain noise, I can't. So it kinda piles up, and it starts nagging.

"Hey what are you making for lunch tom- you have to keep looking for a j- hey there, how's your thing you have going wit- you seriously need a job, so you can get a pho- you left it on the coffee tab- so, when you get to the grocery store, don't forg- reverse cowgirl, the spider, the man seat, the ho- where is the cat? I think I hear her in the- wanna do arts and craf- you owe a lot of money to- hey brain... shut up!"

Sample of my thoughts... my brain has ADHD... that or it has waaay too much to think about. To top it off, my thoughts are like earworms, they won't go away. That familiar melody playing over and over in your head to where you just want it to get out of your head... I have to pee...I let the cat out of the bathroom where she was trapped, and as her rescuer, she is now allowing me to pet her and scratch her. I am typing one handed now lol.

 

Anyways I kinda wish there was an off switch for my brain. Come to think of it, I wish I had an off button for lots of things. Tough shit, there isn't. So what do you do with all this. All these crazy emotions, all this fear, guilt, love, worry, happiness... all that? I guess it's all a kind of trial and error. For the longest time, I have tried and tried to make things work the way I want them to, regardless of how I feel. And I am just exhausted from all the work that takes. 

The few of you whom I open to, have varying pieces of advice for me. Anywhere from the understanding, loving advice to tough love and a few cliche's being poorly put to use. I love you guys! I have sort of pinpointed a few things that I need to do, although I don't know how to go about things yet. My stupid brain wants to layer things and make my thoughts crazy. So here, I'll organize them thoughts. This isn't really a list with an order, I'm just jotting them down. 

First things first... I need to fix my financial situation. (This part I struggle with... why? Because I should be shifting my total focus to God, praying for Him to show me the way, and all that good stuff... That I struggle with, because I know prayer doesn't work like making a wish, you have to put in some work, dedication and sometimes tears. On the flip side, I need money to survive. Can't share a room with my younger sister forever.) What this means is I have got to get a job, a.s.a.p. 

• Job>> money>> apartment>> car>> phone>> paying off debts>> school>> financial independence

I have really got to set time aside for my well being. Time, I keep acting like I don't have any. Everyday I get a whole 24 hours and I waste the majority of them doing nothing. Bad move... I have to deal with my issues, so I can function properly. I have to start taking time for myself and making myself feel better. I need to get back in shape. I also have to take care of my body, apparently we only get one. So I'll feed it better and keep it hydrated and in shape. I want to be able to have a purpose, not just waste away day by boring day. If I don't, I can't get mad at those that leave me behind and outgrow me. I need to grow as a person. As much as I want to act like I'm grown up, and it pains me to admit it, here goes: I'm just a scared kid. I haven't grown up. Working on it. Not in a hurry anymore. I've only been alive 23 years, don't know if I can say I've lived that many.

• Eat better>> work out>> feel better>> react better>> be happy>> live

This should be #1. No butts. Even though I keep making them. I have to get myself back on track with the Big Man upstairs. Why? Because it's important to me. As much as I try and pretend like it's not, it really is. I want that relationship with Jesus, I want that feeling of being loved, I want that fulfillment of giving, I want to be able to share Him with those who need him. Favorite line: Matthew 9:12 (rough summary): "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Well one of my favorites. Anyways that scripture puts things into perspective in a lot of ways for me. For one thing, I need Jesus more than anything. Secondly, how am I supposed to treat patients, if I am sick. Sick nurses get sent home... same idea here, kinda. What I'm saying is, I have to brush up on my Word.  Along with that, I need to make God my main focus. 

• Y'all need Jesus>> get some Jesus>> pray often>> feel loved>> share Jesus>> seriously get your butt back in church>> keep praying, giving and loving 

Rebuild. Be better. Obviously life wasn't working out in the past, so it had to fall apart, so better things could fall together (yes I'm quoting you, you know who you are... cheesy cliche person!!!) Fine, and I am basically hating this part. You know when you are remodeling your house and you can't use the kitchen/ hall bathroom/ patio... etc. for like ever! But when you finally do, it's all nice and new and shiny!? Well think of this like that. Maybe things just had to be sucky at first, so that later things could be better. Maybe this time around when you try to do something, it'll work better. Be it a relationship, a life style, a project, a career,  a plan to leave Arizona... whatever.

• Rebuild life>> enjoy trial and error>> learn from error>> enjoy life (possibly in the Pacific Northwest, since somebody makes it sound better than sex, possibly incorporating travel and whatnot... I don't know yet)

This is all I can think of so far. I know I'm leaving stuff out, but I think I have gotten enough brain stuff to settle down and whatnot. So I might add to this one later, who knows. Well I think I'm ready for sleeps. Goodnight ya'll.