It's all my fault

If I am closing a chapter in my life, and should be opening a new one, why is it so hard? So hard for me to let go of the past, so hard for me to even take a step forward. I am stuck at the spot where the hardest blow by far has hit me. And I am more than paralyzed. I am at a spot where it sickens me to even think of moving forward. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about where I am today. You know what tears me down the worst? The part where I get my hopes up, you know thinking, “This is it! My time to shine…” Big fat NO… So, I do take it to heart. As much as I lie and put on that fake smile for you all, I do hurt. And it’s the type of hurt that well, hurts the most. And I bottle it up, because what’s the point.
What’s the point of getting mad, I’m the one that has something wrong with me, not everyone else. I am the defective one. How can I try and better the person that I hate the most: myself. I look at myself in the mirror, and only hold contempt. There’s the failure. There’s the cutter. There’s the idiot who can’t do anything right. You are disgusting. Why should anybody love you? You aren’t going anywhere in life.  You’re nothing, nobody. You aren’t wanted. You don’t matter. You are annoying. You are just not worth it. The true thoughts that run through my head… the ones I'm scared to even think out loud.
Sorry to disappoint you dear readers, if there are still any. Your telling me “Oh stop it, you’re beautiful,” are about as meaningless to me as a cashier bidding someone a good day. It's not you. It's me and my way of thinking. And although I am scared of pissing your and my friendship away, like I have with many other things, I am starting to feel like a burden. Maybe you feel it too, probably why I haven't heard from you. Probably why you are distancing yourself. And I feel selfish for asking you to stay. So I won't. No, I'm not the person I used to be, because if you didn't notice I'm kind of in the middle of going through hell. But thanks for the positive re-enforcement. Because, you know that makes me feel waaaayyyy better.
FTT. Failure to thrive. Medical terminology. I can't even stand alone on this one, but it seems to me that I'm kind of surrounded by the wrong elements. My family does not want to deal with me. Their easy fix... send me to Mexico. Because to them I am diseased. I bring shame to them. All this shouldn't surprise me, seeing how I wasn't even part of the family for 6 years, and they never looked for me. I was the one doing all the chasing. Wow. You know, now that I think about it, it kinda puts into perspective my "Love me, love me..." way of being. How I have to beg people to love me. Because I never feel like I'm good enough. And so out of every rejection, I end up chasing people, trying to make them love me. Great. I am obviously fucked up in the head. Wonderful.