Sometimes when I'm driving, I really wonder what it would be like if i got in an accident, and if I would either die or be in a coma, who would come? Who would care? Who would they call, in case of an emergency. Because right now this counts as an emergency. And not one person is there. Try calling people who are supposed to care about you, and they don't answer. After a while don't you stop calling? But it's your fault for getting estranged. Try having someone who always depends on you, and the second you need them, they just aren't there. And when you try calling them on it later, well you're all right now aren't you? Who am I supposed to count on? Because at this point not one person is there. I have a total of zero people right now whom I can trust. I'm not asking them to fix anything, none of the messes I've gotten myself in, but I am asking them to help me with the messes they've gotten me in. And there's no answer on the phone.
I have locked myself in a room,and I'm not coming out. Not by choice, but because I had nowhere else to go. I have emotionally shut myself down, and have completely hidden myself away. Not many know that, but none have come looking. I sit and wait, not to be rescued just to be found. Physically I am here, and I may fake a smile but in my mind I sit somewhere else. I wonder if anyone notices that this is an impostor. No, I'm not usually this angry, or disinterested, or sad. If you look closely you might see me waving from a window, of that room that I locked myself in. Am I imprisoned here? It is a bit confining and lonely. I have tried to get out, I really have and when I do, I run back in. I am afraid of what is on the outside, because it all hurts. Try telling this to someone and having them not think you're crazy.
I make myself bleed sometimes. This way, when I am bleeding I have a reason to cry. I bottle everything up, when I explode, it doesn't matter because no one is listening. So I have learned to just keep it in. Sometimes I feel like Alice. Too big or too small, never the right size. That is how my emotions are. Too much or none at all. Just all the same, I never know what to do with them. So I bleed them out. It feels better when I can see the scars. The ones I know are there, they hurt, but I can't see them. Neither can anyone else. When I can watch them heal, that's when I feel better. I feel when they hurt and they are physically there. And I can understand them.
So, as I sit in my room, alone, locked away from the outside I fear that no one will find me. I fear that I'll learn to like it in here too much, and when someone comes I won't want to leave. It's going to be too late, and I won't understand why they want to take me away. Because my pain became my comfort.
And they'll all go on, in their own little worlds with me on the outside. Alone in a room full of people. Void of emotion, until they realize I'm no fun. And slowly they'll start disappearing. And from time to time, as they leave I'll look out my window and try to scream for them to come back, to help me, to find me. But it's too late. And again my only comfort will always be there. Even if it's a lie, it's a beautiful, comforting, lie.
There will be no escape, and there I'll have to stay. There I'll adapt, and then everything else will seem out of the ordinary. And I'll stay, because I'm lost. I've lost the way out.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
After a While
After a While
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Flesh wound/ Fresh wound
Welp. Yeah that didn't make me feel better.
When I was going to sports rehab, I would always tell my trainer, "It hurts when I go like this," to which he would reply, "Well quit doing that!" Ain't that the truth. This kind of applies to the situation, only not really. Then, you know what else comes to mind? The definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So which one is it, kid? Little bit of both if you ask me.
I am angry. I am sad. I am lonely. But am I going back to what hurts? What do I expect to be different? Right. This is just one of those things, I guess. So, how much am I losing? How much will I regret it later? And then the uglier questions, the ones that are filled with doubt. Are you being your prideful, stubborn self again? Didn't you promise to be a good friend? Hold up your end of the bargain then, suck it up.
Worse is knowing you can't. Can't or Won't?
So, cry it out now? Let it burn, move on, keep going, forget it. Forget it. That's not going to be easy. Or do what you always do. Forgive.
I created my little shut down world in which I only let a few people in. Four to be exact. Not one of you, knows the next. None of you my family, and yet I trust you much more than I do them. Dee and Beccah, you two live too far away.
Dee, you're always on the go, chasing whatever dream comes at you that week. You know what you want right off the bat, and you are constantly accomplishing your goals. I love that about you, because there are things you do, that I'm too chicken for.
Beccah, you're a hot mess, and I love you like crazy, but you are a spitfire. You shoot first, ask questions later. You live every day like it was to be your last, and by doing so your life is a giant adventure. To me, that's effing scary. And I admire your bravery.
Elle, you're a mom and a wife first but you still checked up on me every now and again. And all in all, you manage to get every duck in a row. Mrs. Octopus, I call you. So much to do, and very little time, but at the end of the day, everything gets tended to.
And then there's you, Cal. My bestest of friends, my go to guy, the one I esteem the most, not because you're a guy (really girls, that's not it.) Something else I can't explain. You are Mrs. Darling's kiss (read Peter Pan.) My comfort, my confidant, my bear. You are my security blanket, when everything else is falling apart, you are constantly there, even if it was just in text. At least I was in someones thoughts.
So, with two of the four too far away for me to seek comfort in, one busy with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living... stupid nursing school...) and the last, well I think I have lost. You first three are lucky, even though I love you all very much, we never will get romantically involved. As for you Cal, we certainly went about things ass-backwards. More than once.
Now, each and every one of you have gone through a falling out phase with me. We have had our fights. And we have always looked passed what we did to piss each other off. Because that's what people do, when they truly care about their relationships, they work on them, they value them, they care for them and make them work, no matter what. And nobody's perfect. I probably still hold a tiny bit of a grudge from whatever it is we fought about. I'm not some sort of holy forgiver person, it's just what I was taught to do, only when I truly value a friendship. Beccah pulled my hair when she moved out (yes I still remember, and even though it kinda still makes me mad, it also makes me laugh... admit it, you chuckled) and you always stole my clothes. You were the most irritating roommate ever, but I miss your face. Dee knocked me out during softball practice and stole my boyfriend... once and twice, respectively. But I chose to keep you as my friend, because I loved you more than I loved them. Elle, you do no wrong, I wish we were closer. Last but not least, Cal. Well... you know.
I have asked advice from 3/4 of you. Here are the answers I got (yes I copied and pasted them from our facebook convo's): Dee said, "You know what I think? Besides you being an idiot, you are seriously letting this dude walk all over you, because he knows you will never say no. You think you are being the stronger person by being all forgiving, but you are only hurting yourself. And you are making yourself the victim. You are like that woman in an abusive relationship, that covers for the very person that is abusing her."
Beccah wants to kill my only male reader... and not just kill, but torture. In her own words, "with something hard and sand papery..." In all seriousness, her advice was: "Dude, I know you are hurting right now, but how much more do you want to drag it out? You know you are just saying it's okay for him to keep doing this shit right? It's still your choice, but I'm worried about you. Let it burn, it's for the best."
Elle said: "This situation sucks. Forgiving someone is also pretty liberating. Remember that, from church? Matthew 5:22-24 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Not trying to scare you into it, but when you are called to give, that means everything. That means your forgiveness, your unconditional love, and your patience too. Two wrongs don't make a right. So, yeah we would all turn around and say 'Forget this,' especially something like this situation. But remember, you have been forgiven more than once, that's what makes it so important for you to do the same."
Ball's in my court now. Because, either I stick to my guns and just lose you, and not just lose you but completely delete you from my life or I do what an insane person would. And all the while, I hate being mad at you. Because every day that goes by, is another day that we grow apart. I grow angrier, slowly, you'll stop trying. And we'll both forget.
I will never understand my sense of compassion. No, I don't make myself the martyr, but I keep putting myself in these situations where I know for sure I will get hurt. Again. And then I think, well what's the point of anything if you have no one to share it with? Well, no one that really cares. This is why I try and make things work, because each one of you happens to be specifically special to me, and losing you would in turn kind of lose me. I draw strengths from each one of you, you are my odd collection of friends. No two alike, and each one of you a huge part of what makes me, me. So if I am more than willing to take a bullet for any one of you, I also will gladly put aside any differences we had/ have/ will have. Along with that comes the more complex stuff... am I prepared for what comes with forgiveness.
So since I have shared everyone else's opinion I'm now asking for yours. What do you think? Take yourself out of the situation, and pretend this is someone else, what advice would you give me? Give me something other than your sorries, right now I'm too pissed off to see them. What is it that you want me to do with you? In all seriousness, how much does this friendship mean to you, because to me it means the world. But I'm also starting to feel like it's not worth it. What's it going to be?
Your ball.
P.S. I really do want to be left alone for a while guys, so although I appreciate the calls, texts and countless other ways you are trying to reach me, I just need to be left alone. All you guys know I don't listen to my voice mails, ever. And if I send you to voice mail, after not answering your texts all day... obviously I don't want to talk. So Dee stop calling my house, it's irritating my dad. And Beccah, as much as I appreciate you offering for me to come live in Vegas, no effing way am I pulling another leave Arizona with what I got stunt. That shit only works for you, and besides... we discovered after a whole miserable year that we can't ever be roommates again. And Cal, stop apologizing because you are making me beyond mad. Here's what I need you to do: either be proactive about this or seriously leave me alone.
I'm sorry for sounding bitchy guys, but just please leave me alone for a while? Thanks.
When I was going to sports rehab, I would always tell my trainer, "It hurts when I go like this," to which he would reply, "Well quit doing that!" Ain't that the truth. This kind of applies to the situation, only not really. Then, you know what else comes to mind? The definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So which one is it, kid? Little bit of both if you ask me.
I am angry. I am sad. I am lonely. But am I going back to what hurts? What do I expect to be different? Right. This is just one of those things, I guess. So, how much am I losing? How much will I regret it later? And then the uglier questions, the ones that are filled with doubt. Are you being your prideful, stubborn self again? Didn't you promise to be a good friend? Hold up your end of the bargain then, suck it up.
Worse is knowing you can't. Can't or Won't?
So, cry it out now? Let it burn, move on, keep going, forget it. Forget it. That's not going to be easy. Or do what you always do. Forgive.
I created my little shut down world in which I only let a few people in. Four to be exact. Not one of you, knows the next. None of you my family, and yet I trust you much more than I do them. Dee and Beccah, you two live too far away.
Dee, you're always on the go, chasing whatever dream comes at you that week. You know what you want right off the bat, and you are constantly accomplishing your goals. I love that about you, because there are things you do, that I'm too chicken for.
Beccah, you're a hot mess, and I love you like crazy, but you are a spitfire. You shoot first, ask questions later. You live every day like it was to be your last, and by doing so your life is a giant adventure. To me, that's effing scary. And I admire your bravery.
Elle, you're a mom and a wife first but you still checked up on me every now and again. And all in all, you manage to get every duck in a row. Mrs. Octopus, I call you. So much to do, and very little time, but at the end of the day, everything gets tended to.
And then there's you, Cal. My bestest of friends, my go to guy, the one I esteem the most, not because you're a guy (really girls, that's not it.) Something else I can't explain. You are Mrs. Darling's kiss (read Peter Pan.) My comfort, my confidant, my bear. You are my security blanket, when everything else is falling apart, you are constantly there, even if it was just in text. At least I was in someones thoughts.
So, with two of the four too far away for me to seek comfort in, one busy with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living... stupid nursing school...) and the last, well I think I have lost. You first three are lucky, even though I love you all very much, we never will get romantically involved. As for you Cal, we certainly went about things ass-backwards. More than once.
Now, each and every one of you have gone through a falling out phase with me. We have had our fights. And we have always looked passed what we did to piss each other off. Because that's what people do, when they truly care about their relationships, they work on them, they value them, they care for them and make them work, no matter what. And nobody's perfect. I probably still hold a tiny bit of a grudge from whatever it is we fought about. I'm not some sort of holy forgiver person, it's just what I was taught to do, only when I truly value a friendship. Beccah pulled my hair when she moved out (yes I still remember, and even though it kinda still makes me mad, it also makes me laugh... admit it, you chuckled) and you always stole my clothes. You were the most irritating roommate ever, but I miss your face. Dee knocked me out during softball practice and stole my boyfriend... once and twice, respectively. But I chose to keep you as my friend, because I loved you more than I loved them. Elle, you do no wrong, I wish we were closer. Last but not least, Cal. Well... you know.
I have asked advice from 3/4 of you. Here are the answers I got (yes I copied and pasted them from our facebook convo's): Dee said, "You know what I think? Besides you being an idiot, you are seriously letting this dude walk all over you, because he knows you will never say no. You think you are being the stronger person by being all forgiving, but you are only hurting yourself. And you are making yourself the victim. You are like that woman in an abusive relationship, that covers for the very person that is abusing her."
Beccah wants to kill my only male reader... and not just kill, but torture. In her own words, "with something hard and sand papery..." In all seriousness, her advice was: "Dude, I know you are hurting right now, but how much more do you want to drag it out? You know you are just saying it's okay for him to keep doing this shit right? It's still your choice, but I'm worried about you. Let it burn, it's for the best."
Elle said: "This situation sucks. Forgiving someone is also pretty liberating. Remember that, from church? Matthew 5:22-24 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Not trying to scare you into it, but when you are called to give, that means everything. That means your forgiveness, your unconditional love, and your patience too. Two wrongs don't make a right. So, yeah we would all turn around and say 'Forget this,' especially something like this situation. But remember, you have been forgiven more than once, that's what makes it so important for you to do the same."
Ball's in my court now. Because, either I stick to my guns and just lose you, and not just lose you but completely delete you from my life or I do what an insane person would. And all the while, I hate being mad at you. Because every day that goes by, is another day that we grow apart. I grow angrier, slowly, you'll stop trying. And we'll both forget.
I will never understand my sense of compassion. No, I don't make myself the martyr, but I keep putting myself in these situations where I know for sure I will get hurt. Again. And then I think, well what's the point of anything if you have no one to share it with? Well, no one that really cares. This is why I try and make things work, because each one of you happens to be specifically special to me, and losing you would in turn kind of lose me. I draw strengths from each one of you, you are my odd collection of friends. No two alike, and each one of you a huge part of what makes me, me. So if I am more than willing to take a bullet for any one of you, I also will gladly put aside any differences we had/ have/ will have. Along with that comes the more complex stuff... am I prepared for what comes with forgiveness.
So since I have shared everyone else's opinion I'm now asking for yours. What do you think? Take yourself out of the situation, and pretend this is someone else, what advice would you give me? Give me something other than your sorries, right now I'm too pissed off to see them. What is it that you want me to do with you? In all seriousness, how much does this friendship mean to you, because to me it means the world. But I'm also starting to feel like it's not worth it. What's it going to be?
Your ball.
P.S. I really do want to be left alone for a while guys, so although I appreciate the calls, texts and countless other ways you are trying to reach me, I just need to be left alone. All you guys know I don't listen to my voice mails, ever. And if I send you to voice mail, after not answering your texts all day... obviously I don't want to talk. So Dee stop calling my house, it's irritating my dad. And Beccah, as much as I appreciate you offering for me to come live in Vegas, no effing way am I pulling another leave Arizona with what I got stunt. That shit only works for you, and besides... we discovered after a whole miserable year that we can't ever be roommates again. And Cal, stop apologizing because you are making me beyond mad. Here's what I need you to do: either be proactive about this or seriously leave me alone.
I'm sorry for sounding bitchy guys, but just please leave me alone for a while? Thanks.
Insomnia
For all those nights when counting sheep still wouldn't shake away the bad feelings, instead I thought of good memories. And that went one of two ways: wishing they would let me sleep, haunting me and turning into night terrors, or fighting sleep, trying to memorize every single detail, every single word said, every color and every smell, having the horror of losing it altogether at the very back of my mind. Either way, I remain afraid to sleep. And if I dream of you, will it turn into a nightmare, or a wish for eternal slumber? So I'm either counting sheep or loosing sleep. At least they're rather pleasant fellows.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Checking out
Words I couldn't say. Spare me the gory details, drop off the face of my world. I can't sit and wait for you, it'll only hurt worse. Run far away from me, leave, stay away. Life will go on, both of ours. Just stop hurting me. It only happens because I let you. I make you lie to me, I lie to myself. I force you to stay. We are only making false promises that we'll break, causing resentment. I knew your choice all along, and I didn't want to believe it. I strung myself along. Like a mosquito being lead to sure death, by the pretty light. I couldn't get away.
When you see someone drowning, don't you jump in to try and save them? But what if you can't swim? What if you can't swim anymore? What if you're exhausted, what if you didn't count on the current to be so strong, what if they didn't want your help in the first place. They will drag you down with them, and you, you will stay. Because you love them. Can you save yourself? Do you want to? Because you know you are going to lose them. No matter what you do. You don't want to live without them, but what if they could live without you. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't be a priority.
So you are now drowning. Because that's what it'll do to you. You will drown in tears, you will drown in sadness, you might even try to drown in alcohol and anything else to try and drown out all the pain. And all for what? The I didn't mean to's and the I'm sorry's lose their value. And you make irrational decisions. All because someone was stupid enough to tell you they loved you. And just the same you were stupid enough to believe it. Stupid enough to get strung along, and allow to be used and stupid enough to let them.
Me and my stupid heart. The one that cares. Stop caring, I say to it. But it is stronger than me. And then the stupid thing gets hurt, and that's when it is weaker than anything. How does that work? Then everyone else tells me to stop caring. How? How do I just stop caring, when all it does is make me hurt worse.
Fake it? Be a hypocrite? Lie? Why should I? Because it's supposed to make me feel better? There is no feeling better. With time, maybe. And I have had more than enough time. I don't want to take more time. I feel like I'm running out of time.
Go. Just go and leave me be. I'll be fine. Even if I'm not, did you really care that much in the first place? Just go on. No matter what it is you or I want to sit and say, it's not worth it. I'm tired. I don't want it anymore. You made me not want it anymore. I don't want to know.
Every word cuts deeper than it should, every thought lingers longer. And I know. I know what you are afraid to say. So go... no need for apologies, no need for long goodbyes, no need for any more... Just go. Please.
Tear my heart open, I sew myself shut...
I don't want to be used anymore. I want to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I can't just let anyone have my heart anymore. And I do, because I am afraid of losing someone. I have turned my heart into a public restroom, instead of an exclusive vault. It is full of valuables after all. I give my all when I love. I
I want to be somebody's everything. I want somebody to be my everything. Maybe why my answer is always yes. Because I want to be loved. I want to put a smile on someone's face, for no reason. I want to be in someone's thoughts day and night. I want someone to do random things just to make me happy, I want somebody who wants me for me. For who I am, for what I do, even when I'm wrong. I want someone to accept me, all of me, even my crazy side. I want someone who is willing to fight for me, against all opposition. I want somebody who wants to be with me morning, noon, and night. I want that relationship. Where even though we will have our fights, the love we have will persevere
As much as I think about it, I cannot figure out why I am not wanted like that. So, till then, I am making a new set of rules for myself... Stop fucking caring about everyone. Stop just giving everyone your everything. Be valuable, because you are valuable. Never settle for less. Because you have been, you know that, you've been settling for what's at the bottom of the barrel. Remember to be that kid who gets everything, because you worked for everything you had. Fuck the world, you don't owe anyone shit, and if you're not worth their time, they aren't worth shit. Remember those who love you babe, those who help you get up when you fall. Last but not least, LOVE YOURSELF! ALOT! You're all you've got.
Friends
There is no such thing as a real friend. People will only stick around long enough to get something out of you. Something my uncle used to say. Something my sister used as her mantra. Something I learned today.
And all the while I really didn't want to believe them. I'm a dreamer, like my dad. I want to believe in people's good. Well, that's what makes me such an idiot. And an easy target. I am so trusting, so naive, so stupid. Every time, I tell myself no more... and here I am again. So, I am officially friendless, jobless, and car-less. Cool. Because that shit makes life easier right? No, I'm not blaming you for anything other than the shitty, spineless, asshole way you decided to go about letting me know: I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Oh wait, I forgot all about the first time you said that. Remember, that giant FUCK YOU, you gave me? Yeah the one I chose to forgive. Oh, what's that? There's a friendship that's stronger than all others. Thanks, yeah that just about summed everything up. I'm not worth your time, you are no longer worth my energy.
Apologies, you want to apologize, you want my forgiveness... how many times? How much more am I supposed to just let things slide? How much longer am I going to be your doormat? And all along I thought myself important. All along I was wrong. I should've just stayed away from you when I said I would.
Silly girl, you called me. Couldn't have been any more right on. That's exactly what I am, stupid. An idiot who couldn't stay away, because all along I should've known there was nothing for me in the end. You can't say I was the one who was wrong in this situation. I tried more than once to try and make this work, to try and keep our friendship afloat, even through all the times you hurt me. Because of all things you can say about me, I at least truly loved you. I have said it before: either you know and you don't care, or you are too stupid to see it. And if you knew it, shame on you.
But no, I wanted my best friend didn't I? I couldn't live without you, remember? I fought for you, even to the point where I lost part of my family, because I wanted my friend. Well family always comes back, regardless of all shitty situations. And you are just about the shittiest friend. Only, I forget all the other ones that have come and gone. Which leads back to the starting point... there is no such thing as a real friend. Way to prove a point.
As for me I'm done.
And all the while I really didn't want to believe them. I'm a dreamer, like my dad. I want to believe in people's good. Well, that's what makes me such an idiot. And an easy target. I am so trusting, so naive, so stupid. Every time, I tell myself no more... and here I am again. So, I am officially friendless, jobless, and car-less. Cool. Because that shit makes life easier right? No, I'm not blaming you for anything other than the shitty, spineless, asshole way you decided to go about letting me know: I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Oh wait, I forgot all about the first time you said that. Remember, that giant FUCK YOU, you gave me? Yeah the one I chose to forgive. Oh, what's that? There's a friendship that's stronger than all others. Thanks, yeah that just about summed everything up. I'm not worth your time, you are no longer worth my energy.
Apologies, you want to apologize, you want my forgiveness... how many times? How much more am I supposed to just let things slide? How much longer am I going to be your doormat? And all along I thought myself important. All along I was wrong. I should've just stayed away from you when I said I would.
Silly girl, you called me. Couldn't have been any more right on. That's exactly what I am, stupid. An idiot who couldn't stay away, because all along I should've known there was nothing for me in the end. You can't say I was the one who was wrong in this situation. I tried more than once to try and make this work, to try and keep our friendship afloat, even through all the times you hurt me. Because of all things you can say about me, I at least truly loved you. I have said it before: either you know and you don't care, or you are too stupid to see it. And if you knew it, shame on you.
But no, I wanted my best friend didn't I? I couldn't live without you, remember? I fought for you, even to the point where I lost part of my family, because I wanted my friend. Well family always comes back, regardless of all shitty situations. And you are just about the shittiest friend. Only, I forget all the other ones that have come and gone. Which leads back to the starting point... there is no such thing as a real friend. Way to prove a point.
As for me I'm done.
Favorite poem
exit wound-- Jeanann Verlee
you are an exit wound
the extra shot of tequila
the tangled knot of hair that has to be cut out
you are the cell phone ringing in a hushed theatre
pebble wedged in the sole of a boot
the bloody hangnail
you are, just this once
you are flip flops in a thunderstorm
the boy’s lost erection
a pen gone dry
you are my father’s nightmare
my mother’s mirage
you are a manic high
which is to say:
you are a bad idea
you are herpes despite the condom
you are, I know better
you are pieces of cork floating in the wine glass
you are the morning after
whose name I can’t remember
still in my bed
the hole in my rain boots
vibrator with no batteries
you are, shut up and kiss me
you are naked wearing socks
mascara bleeding down laughing cheeks
you are the wrong guy buying me a drink
you are the typo in an otherwise brilliant novel
sweetalk into unprotected sex
the married coworker
my stubbed toe
you are not new or uncommon
not brilliant or beautiful
you are a bad idea
rock star in the back seat of a taxi
burned popcorn
top shelf, at half price
you are everything I want
you are a poem I cannot write
a word I cannot translate
you are an exit wound
a name I cannot bring myself
to say aloud
you are an exit wound
the extra shot of tequila
the tangled knot of hair that has to be cut out
you are the cell phone ringing in a hushed theatre
pebble wedged in the sole of a boot
the bloody hangnail
you are, just this once
you are flip flops in a thunderstorm
the boy’s lost erection
a pen gone dry
you are my father’s nightmare
my mother’s mirage
you are a manic high
which is to say:
you are a bad idea
you are herpes despite the condom
you are, I know better
you are pieces of cork floating in the wine glass
you are the morning after
whose name I can’t remember
still in my bed
the hole in my rain boots
vibrator with no batteries
you are, shut up and kiss me
you are naked wearing socks
mascara bleeding down laughing cheeks
you are the wrong guy buying me a drink
you are the typo in an otherwise brilliant novel
sweetalk into unprotected sex
the married coworker
my stubbed toe
you are not new or uncommon
not brilliant or beautiful
you are a bad idea
rock star in the back seat of a taxi
burned popcorn
top shelf, at half price
you are everything I want
you are a poem I cannot write
a word I cannot translate
you are an exit wound
a name I cannot bring myself
to say aloud
Sunday, May 20, 2012
so...not...sleepy...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Okay I'm not fighting sleep, apparently that little 20 minute snooze I had was enough to shake the cobwebs off. Wide awake, as if I had all sorts of activities to do. I am bored. I am lonely. And I don't have any furniture. Might be why I can't sleep. I'm not hungry, I'm not tired, I don't want to watch a movie, I don't want to dry out my skin so another bath/shower is probably not a good idea...
I don't really have one thing that my mind is dwelling on. I think something has happened to where I kinda have let it all go. I officially stopped giving a shit. Okay not really, but pretty close to it. I have this whatever happens, happens attitude. Possibly not a good idea, but at this point (and I really hate saying this) WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!? Seriously out of character for me, seeing how I worry about every single decision I make and how it'll affect every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Guess it's not my problem. Woah. Never heard those words outta me. Feels weird even thinking them. My biggest problem right now, this moment is my lack of a bed. Okay maybe along with that is my lack of a car, lack of a job, and the fact that I'm not really speaking to my parents, but maybe that needs to give me a break right now... it's 12:43 AM for crying out loud... I'll continue worrying about that stuff tomorrow. Right now, I really just want me time. Clear mind, clear conscience, clear everything. Maybe I'm not awake right now. This would make for a nice sort of dream.
Not a dream, but I feel like I am imagining this. I am a total worry about everything-er. It's nice to have a little break, i'll admit to that.
On to a new topic, since that gave me a bit of a headache...
I'm supposed to figure out what it is that I truly want to do in life. No idea... Can't I just be a billionaire? No? Okay v.v
So since that's out of the question, I'm supposed to find something that I really want to do with my life. Hmmm... I love the medical field, but I second guess myself to think that I'm not as smart as everyone else. Total baloney right there, we forget how competitive I am... and how I believe I am the smartest one. So I don't like working with dead people (just had a death in the family... must admit i'm a bit traumatized by it all.) But I suppose I'd have to get over it. Just like everything else, eh?
I wanted to be a mom... The more I'm around little kids, and babies... not so much. I mean if it comes, it comes, but I guess I should give that one up. Wow... my mom said I would never have any kids... guess she was right. Then again she was also convinced that I was a lesbian. No mom, just trying to get your attention... whatever. Anyways I refuse to have any kids without a partner in crime... no way am I raising any babies by myself. Obviously it would have to be with someone I love and that loves me, enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me... no dice there... well apparently I'm still young. Anyways in case there are any takers, I will deff make a fabulous mom :) buuuuut in case we are all wondering...no I'm not a lesbian.
I'm not as much of a fabulous cook anymore. I used to be, I think I've gotten lazy. Besides, me and food are probably not a great idea together. Ugh which reminds me, I have to go to the nutritionist soon... yay for changing my eating habits! Actually that, I am excited for. Mainly because I'm kind of sort of really tired of being a whale. And oh my geez I never want to get as big as Tiff. Hell, I don't want to get any bigger than I am now!!! So fatty mcfatt fat me has got to go. Plus side of this is getting in shape. You know because apparently one can't become a criminal if they are overweight. I can't afford henchmen, so I'd have to do my own dirty work, and that involves running from the authorities. I should probably take up parkour in my spare time. Hmm deff need to stop being a fatso first. Also I need an accomplice, we'll go 50/50... any takers? Beccs I'm looking your way! Geez my imagination is a criminal...
I love my artsy side. But that's the side that I kind of suppress because it isn't practical. Then again what is. I refuse to kill my imagination, but also I have to be reasonable and remember what pays the bills and what doesn't. And at the end of the day, it all boils down to that... the green. Sigh...
I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Teacher, Computer Engineer, Pyrotechnic, Make up artist, Interior decorator... Gwah... when I was in kindergarten I wanted to be a vet. That was until my dog died. Can't handle that. My second choice was a baseball player. Hah well the MLB isn't taking apps from girls...
Well I suppose I'll sleep on it. Because just now I got sleepy... Well ttyl ya'll...
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Lemony Snicket
“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
The show goes on...
No matter what you go through, no matter what you're in to, no matter what was said and done... the show goes on ladies and gentlemen. Life goes on. Maybe you don't want to be part of it anymore, too bad. It'll go on with or without you. See, we came into this world alone. So um, yeah you are alone. Not a bad thing at times. You see everyone slipping away from you? They come and go. People, I mean. You play the same role in other's lives. Maybe you were only supposed to be there for a small season. Maybe for the rest of somebody's life. But everyone is temporary. Remember being a kid and promising to be best friends forever? Except for life happened and forever was a very short while, when you look at it that way. You drifted away, not because you wanted it that way, but that's just the way life happened.
Life. It will knock you down, multiple times. It enjoys doing that I guess. Because when you feel like you are on top of the world, you'll more than likely get knocked the fuck down. It sucks. People suck. That's what makes life suck. I am slowly beginning to accept the fact that people sincerely suck. Don't you wish everything was black and white. That you could just tell what people are thinking, so you can avoid certain things. Like heartbreak. The worst emotion out there, the one that keeps you lingering on the what if's, the why's, the should of's, would of's, could of's. Thinking and rethinking the ways you could of fixed a situation. Avoided heartbreak. Then again, the world doesn't work the way I want it to. Never has, never will... I guess that's a good thing...
I used to think I was just like my dad. He loves and gives so much, so he's got a bit of a temper, and he's a retired drug dealer in Mexico, his good always outweighed his bad. And I come to find out I'm more like my mom. She shows little emotion, is passive aggressive and hardworking and bottles things up. Maybe I have a bit of both. But I am more like my mom. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I remember when she used to love on us. I remember her loud lively laugh. Someone definitely took that away from her. I remember our life was good. Then a lot of bad things happened. I know she resents me, they all do in some form or another. Because I got away from it, not that it was my choice, but I did. And I found a new family along the way.
I am complicated. I like to say that I have all these compartments about me, and different situations open different ones that decide how I am going to react. Like when I dislocated my knee or sliced my thumb in half there is minimal complaint, but let me get a paper cut, the whole town hears about it for three years. I'm a bit backwards I guess. Might be why I never fit in. Might be why people won't stay close to me, because I alienate myself. I push them out. How do you push someone away that you are chasing? Story of my life.
Aunt Virgie said something to me the other day. She said I was valuable. She said I needed to get my self esteem back. She said I needed to find someone that valued me and wanted me for me. That I didn't need to give my everything to everyone, because I was just throwing myself away. She said I deserved better. That I could do better. And all the while I didn't want to believe it. I pretended not to hear anything she said. Because it hurt that much.
Because that's who I used to be. I used to be that good, that valuable, that strong. Now, not so much. I've been knocked down. A lot of it is that I've let myself get knocked down. Maybe I am that fucked up. Where I purposely seek out those who will hurt me. I don't know. But regardless, I know that I'm doing it, and I wont stop myself. Because that would mean quitting on someone. How do you change what you were taught from an early age? That quitting on someone was wrong, that turning your back on someone wasn't okay. Even though my parents weren't spectacular, they taught me that no matter what, you rough it with somebody instead of leaving them out in the cold.
The world is cold. But how can you just sit there all warm in your comfortable bed, fully knowing that there is someone out there who is cold and hungry and has nowhere to sleep. Same when someone needs you emotionally. How can you just up and leave them. I don't know how to separate myself from it all, especially not the emotional part. Is it tearing me up inside? Yes it sure is. It always will. But I can't just turn away and run. At my expense of course.
Me and my stupid heart. Who's idea was it anyways, to give me a giver's heart? And such a transparent one at that. One that everyone can locate, hurt, damage and leave in pieces for me to try and put together. Maybe one day I'll be done giving away all the pieces, and I just won't feel anymore. That would be so nice. At least then, I could just not care anymore. And I'd at least get some peace.
And your show is going on isn't it. Who is coming to see it? Where is your audience? Will they stay till the end? Some will, some won't. And some will be there for entertainment, only a few who actually cared, only a lesser few that truly loved you and one, just one that was always there for you. The people in your life, the ones you pushed away, the ones you hurt time and time again, the ones that got tired of your apologies and your excuses: those are the ones that won't be there. Shame, because they were really something... and you purposely lost them. So, that's life.
Is life supposed to be this hurtful? I don't understand it. So i'm supposed to go on with my show, even though I lost a trapeze artist, I lost my elephant parade, I lost my clowns, I lost my tigers, and the juggling act. I am left with only myself as the entertainment. Who will stay for the show? Not many... a handful at the most. But the show must go on. Life has to keep moving, with or without you. Chose to be a spectator, choose to be a performer or even the ringleader. The show must and will go on.
Life. It will knock you down, multiple times. It enjoys doing that I guess. Because when you feel like you are on top of the world, you'll more than likely get knocked the fuck down. It sucks. People suck. That's what makes life suck. I am slowly beginning to accept the fact that people sincerely suck. Don't you wish everything was black and white. That you could just tell what people are thinking, so you can avoid certain things. Like heartbreak. The worst emotion out there, the one that keeps you lingering on the what if's, the why's, the should of's, would of's, could of's. Thinking and rethinking the ways you could of fixed a situation. Avoided heartbreak. Then again, the world doesn't work the way I want it to. Never has, never will... I guess that's a good thing...
I used to think I was just like my dad. He loves and gives so much, so he's got a bit of a temper, and he's a retired drug dealer in Mexico, his good always outweighed his bad. And I come to find out I'm more like my mom. She shows little emotion, is passive aggressive and hardworking and bottles things up. Maybe I have a bit of both. But I am more like my mom. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I remember when she used to love on us. I remember her loud lively laugh. Someone definitely took that away from her. I remember our life was good. Then a lot of bad things happened. I know she resents me, they all do in some form or another. Because I got away from it, not that it was my choice, but I did. And I found a new family along the way.
I am complicated. I like to say that I have all these compartments about me, and different situations open different ones that decide how I am going to react. Like when I dislocated my knee or sliced my thumb in half there is minimal complaint, but let me get a paper cut, the whole town hears about it for three years. I'm a bit backwards I guess. Might be why I never fit in. Might be why people won't stay close to me, because I alienate myself. I push them out. How do you push someone away that you are chasing? Story of my life.
Aunt Virgie said something to me the other day. She said I was valuable. She said I needed to get my self esteem back. She said I needed to find someone that valued me and wanted me for me. That I didn't need to give my everything to everyone, because I was just throwing myself away. She said I deserved better. That I could do better. And all the while I didn't want to believe it. I pretended not to hear anything she said. Because it hurt that much.
Because that's who I used to be. I used to be that good, that valuable, that strong. Now, not so much. I've been knocked down. A lot of it is that I've let myself get knocked down. Maybe I am that fucked up. Where I purposely seek out those who will hurt me. I don't know. But regardless, I know that I'm doing it, and I wont stop myself. Because that would mean quitting on someone. How do you change what you were taught from an early age? That quitting on someone was wrong, that turning your back on someone wasn't okay. Even though my parents weren't spectacular, they taught me that no matter what, you rough it with somebody instead of leaving them out in the cold.
The world is cold. But how can you just sit there all warm in your comfortable bed, fully knowing that there is someone out there who is cold and hungry and has nowhere to sleep. Same when someone needs you emotionally. How can you just up and leave them. I don't know how to separate myself from it all, especially not the emotional part. Is it tearing me up inside? Yes it sure is. It always will. But I can't just turn away and run. At my expense of course.
Me and my stupid heart. Who's idea was it anyways, to give me a giver's heart? And such a transparent one at that. One that everyone can locate, hurt, damage and leave in pieces for me to try and put together. Maybe one day I'll be done giving away all the pieces, and I just won't feel anymore. That would be so nice. At least then, I could just not care anymore. And I'd at least get some peace.
And your show is going on isn't it. Who is coming to see it? Where is your audience? Will they stay till the end? Some will, some won't. And some will be there for entertainment, only a few who actually cared, only a lesser few that truly loved you and one, just one that was always there for you. The people in your life, the ones you pushed away, the ones you hurt time and time again, the ones that got tired of your apologies and your excuses: those are the ones that won't be there. Shame, because they were really something... and you purposely lost them. So, that's life.
Is life supposed to be this hurtful? I don't understand it. So i'm supposed to go on with my show, even though I lost a trapeze artist, I lost my elephant parade, I lost my clowns, I lost my tigers, and the juggling act. I am left with only myself as the entertainment. Who will stay for the show? Not many... a handful at the most. But the show must go on. Life has to keep moving, with or without you. Chose to be a spectator, choose to be a performer or even the ringleader. The show must and will go on.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tears and Homework and Death Knocking at the door
I am hating life right now...
Middle ear infection in my left ear, so it's swollen shut and extremely painful. It is throbbing, and I always sleep on that side... So you can imagine me trying to sleep. So then, we add on the fact that I can't sleep all day because I have a paper due at midnight.Ugh I know a 1500 word paper, using at least 80 of the terms from the chapters, isn't that difficult. My ear hurts... I don't want to think right now! And it's not stressful at all knowing it's due tonight. So yeah I am avoiding it right now.
I still have not gotten my car situation under control. Ugh that is not even fun... I am not excited
Feather river hospital
530 876 7994
room 145B
So around 4pm today, my mom calls me and asks to speak to grandma immediately. In short, my aunt called my mom to tell her that my uncle wasn't going to make it past tonight. So mom calls me and grandma, and we freak out, and so Tiff, Gabe, Aunt V, grandma and me pile up in the car and drive for a whole 2 hours up to Paradise. Pretty ironic considering well, the circumstances.
The whole drive up here, I am in freaking pain, because my ear freaking hurts. And everybody smokes, and so here I am, with an awful earache inhaling more cigarette smoke, irritating my ear nose and throat some more, and so either I roll the window down, or inhale this shit... ugh. By the time we get there, to the hospital, my ear is in all kinds of pain.
And here I am carrying the guilt with me. I should've stood my ground. I shouldnt've let Judy scare me off. You know how I was supposed to grow a pair and man up and all that shit? Yeah I had to be a little puss, a couple of days after my mom left, and I let her run me off. I left Brett and Josh unprotected from her tyrannical ways. So she let him get sick, she let him just waste away. I could've stopped her. I am afraid my mom will always blame me for that, because she left me here in her place... I only lasted three days. I feel like I failed them. I should've kept my mouth shut and let Judy get her way, as long as I could stay near Brett.
As mad as I am at Judy, because it's her fault he wasn't getting his chemo. I swear I think she wants him to die... ASAP. So she has a total bitch attitude when we are trying to ask her things. We get to his room. Uncle Brett looks like death. Unfocused, out of it, pale. This is the first time I had experienced the dying process. It is so awful when you can just see the life leaving somebody. Poor uncle Brett. And then there is the dramatic kiss ass cousin there. Same one that made a scene when uncle Choy died. Misty. She is such a douche. Acting all attentive to Brett, just like she was with Choy. Brett hates her. And that's who Judy called. Before she called his mother, before she called his only sister. Hell, Harley (my Grandma's ex husband and mom's and Brett's dad) doesn't even know he's on his deathbed. I don't think he'd care, but for Brett's sake... So we come to find out, Brett has been in the hospital for a week, and nobody bothered to call us. I just wanted to flip out on them. So this Misty chick, who hasn't even been there for the bad shit, has been religiously coming to the hospital and watching Joshua. She is such a hypocrite... I don't like her one bit, and this is all before I know the uncle Choy story.
So we go to dinner, and as much as I want to enjoy my food, earache or not, this Misty chick won't stop talking. I just wanted to throw my steak knife at her... Like STFU you stupid bitch. That's how I feel about her. And Tiff hates her even more. Mom has called me more times today than she has since Aunt Virgie came and got me. Well Mom talks to aunt Virgie for a few minutes (killing my phone battery!!!) and basically told her that if Misty is there tomorrow when she gets here she is going to beat the shit out of her. Wow... my mom's white trash side is showing lol. But still, her family is ghetto. My grandma, as much as she irritates me, I feel so bad for her. She is so sad that she has to bury her baby.
And so we get back to me. We finally get a hotel near the Hospice center, but since we didn't bring anything with us Aunt Virgie is headed back to Sacramento. And Gabe and Tiff have to go take care of their kids. So I have to get my homework in. On top of all this mess, I have to get this essay in. My head hurts, my ear feels like I am getting stabbed and I can't think and I'm upset. So I am crying my eyes out because if I don't turn this paper in I fail the course. And I don't want to fail the course, I have a freaking 98! I am so upset. And I hurt. And I am sad about uncle Brett. And angry at Judy. And worried about my mom driving up here by herself. And mad that Lexy is coming. Because I have to watch that baby. And so I am freaking out. And in pain. And my daddy isn't coming. He couldn't leave work, so the one person that I really wanted to come, because he would take care of things and get things done isn't coming. But I have to see and deal with the kids, and watch their baby.
My ear is swollen shut. So I am crying hysterically to my dad on the phone, I have BFF on Facebook, and Grandma who is irritating me... all at 11pm. Paper due in exactly one hour. I just took 800 mg of Motrin. And Grandma made me take two Vicodin and a Norco. That is usually more than enough to kill me. I would be out in about half an hour. The sad part is that I am fully functional, enough to crank out 1002 words. I just turned in the shittiest paper I have ever wrote in my life! And I turned it in 18 minutes late... eek!! Oh professor Felnangle, please don't fail me... Even if I only get a 5% on the paper, please let me pass this class!!!!
So what a fucking day right? I am so grateful for my Grandma's pain meds and my lovely BFF, who made me feel better and is nothing but helpful and I made stay up until he could hardly stay awake. I love you friend! You are my favorite support system, and the best comforter ever. I miss your hugs so bad, because they just make everything better. I know I am insane and a whiner, and a pain in the butt, and I complain about everything to you, I'm sorry, one day I'll be normal <3 well... as normal as I get lol but at least I can do the same for you. Because you are the bestest person in my life right now, and I am so grateful to have you. I really appreciate you and all the support you have given me. You truly put a smile on my face, even when days are like this. And this is why I love you, because you really do try to make me happy.
I should really get to bed. But since the drugs are starting to wear off... and I am going to be hating life some more in the morning. I hope momma hurries up here, and I hope she gets to see uncle Brett go. It's terribly sad. I have never experienced anything like this. It is painful to see someone just die, and you can't do anything about it. There is nothing anybody can do to stop it. I know he'll be in Heaven, and he won't be hurting anymore, and he'll be okay. But what about those he leaves behind. His little boy, at 8 years old, doesn't understand that soon his daddy won't be here. And so I am up,praying. Giving prayers of thanks because we got to see him still breathing, because I have my friend to support me, and thanking God that mom is coming. I am praying my mom gets here soon, praying he makes it one more day, praying for healing for my Grandma, and the family. I am praying that my ear stops hurting, and I am praying that I have enough strength to keep my head on straight for my mom. Because she's going to need me. I have to be my dad since he isn't here. I have to be able to get correct information as to what we are doing and what we have to take care of. I owe her that, and I owe uncle Brett that.
So even though it's 3am, and I have to be up and ready by 7 when mom gets here, and get going by 8 when he gets transferred to the Hospice center. And the day is going to be very, very long... And my ear hurts... and the other one is starting to hurt. So here I am up, comforting my Grandma, typing this up, praying and in my underwear and a cami, because I didn't bring clothes. So for now I bid you adieu, because tomorrow is going to be a long day. And I might have to be the strong one for tomorrow. Even with my achy ear...
Love you guys, I appreciate you all, and I am glad to have you guys in my life. <3
P.S. How is it that I had no trouble typing this out but I wanted to cry about a little 1000 word essay. I'm such a sissy... in all fairness my ear hurts... in case you didn't know
Middle ear infection in my left ear, so it's swollen shut and extremely painful. It is throbbing, and I always sleep on that side... So you can imagine me trying to sleep. So then, we add on the fact that I can't sleep all day because I have a paper due at midnight.Ugh I know a 1500 word paper, using at least 80 of the terms from the chapters, isn't that difficult. My ear hurts... I don't want to think right now! And it's not stressful at all knowing it's due tonight. So yeah I am avoiding it right now.
I still have not gotten my car situation under control. Ugh that is not even fun... I am not excited
Feather river hospital
530 876 7994
room 145B
So around 4pm today, my mom calls me and asks to speak to grandma immediately. In short, my aunt called my mom to tell her that my uncle wasn't going to make it past tonight. So mom calls me and grandma, and we freak out, and so Tiff, Gabe, Aunt V, grandma and me pile up in the car and drive for a whole 2 hours up to Paradise. Pretty ironic considering well, the circumstances.
The whole drive up here, I am in freaking pain, because my ear freaking hurts. And everybody smokes, and so here I am, with an awful earache inhaling more cigarette smoke, irritating my ear nose and throat some more, and so either I roll the window down, or inhale this shit... ugh. By the time we get there, to the hospital, my ear is in all kinds of pain.
And here I am carrying the guilt with me. I should've stood my ground. I shouldnt've let Judy scare me off. You know how I was supposed to grow a pair and man up and all that shit? Yeah I had to be a little puss, a couple of days after my mom left, and I let her run me off. I left Brett and Josh unprotected from her tyrannical ways. So she let him get sick, she let him just waste away. I could've stopped her. I am afraid my mom will always blame me for that, because she left me here in her place... I only lasted three days. I feel like I failed them. I should've kept my mouth shut and let Judy get her way, as long as I could stay near Brett.
As mad as I am at Judy, because it's her fault he wasn't getting his chemo. I swear I think she wants him to die... ASAP. So she has a total bitch attitude when we are trying to ask her things. We get to his room. Uncle Brett looks like death. Unfocused, out of it, pale. This is the first time I had experienced the dying process. It is so awful when you can just see the life leaving somebody. Poor uncle Brett. And then there is the dramatic kiss ass cousin there. Same one that made a scene when uncle Choy died. Misty. She is such a douche. Acting all attentive to Brett, just like she was with Choy. Brett hates her. And that's who Judy called. Before she called his mother, before she called his only sister. Hell, Harley (my Grandma's ex husband and mom's and Brett's dad) doesn't even know he's on his deathbed. I don't think he'd care, but for Brett's sake... So we come to find out, Brett has been in the hospital for a week, and nobody bothered to call us. I just wanted to flip out on them. So this Misty chick, who hasn't even been there for the bad shit, has been religiously coming to the hospital and watching Joshua. She is such a hypocrite... I don't like her one bit, and this is all before I know the uncle Choy story.
So we go to dinner, and as much as I want to enjoy my food, earache or not, this Misty chick won't stop talking. I just wanted to throw my steak knife at her... Like STFU you stupid bitch. That's how I feel about her. And Tiff hates her even more. Mom has called me more times today than she has since Aunt Virgie came and got me. Well Mom talks to aunt Virgie for a few minutes (killing my phone battery!!!) and basically told her that if Misty is there tomorrow when she gets here she is going to beat the shit out of her. Wow... my mom's white trash side is showing lol. But still, her family is ghetto. My grandma, as much as she irritates me, I feel so bad for her. She is so sad that she has to bury her baby.
And so we get back to me. We finally get a hotel near the Hospice center, but since we didn't bring anything with us Aunt Virgie is headed back to Sacramento. And Gabe and Tiff have to go take care of their kids. So I have to get my homework in. On top of all this mess, I have to get this essay in. My head hurts, my ear feels like I am getting stabbed and I can't think and I'm upset. So I am crying my eyes out because if I don't turn this paper in I fail the course. And I don't want to fail the course, I have a freaking 98! I am so upset. And I hurt. And I am sad about uncle Brett. And angry at Judy. And worried about my mom driving up here by herself. And mad that Lexy is coming. Because I have to watch that baby. And so I am freaking out. And in pain. And my daddy isn't coming. He couldn't leave work, so the one person that I really wanted to come, because he would take care of things and get things done isn't coming. But I have to see and deal with the kids, and watch their baby.
My ear is swollen shut. So I am crying hysterically to my dad on the phone, I have BFF on Facebook, and Grandma who is irritating me... all at 11pm. Paper due in exactly one hour. I just took 800 mg of Motrin. And Grandma made me take two Vicodin and a Norco. That is usually more than enough to kill me. I would be out in about half an hour. The sad part is that I am fully functional, enough to crank out 1002 words. I just turned in the shittiest paper I have ever wrote in my life! And I turned it in 18 minutes late... eek!! Oh professor Felnangle, please don't fail me... Even if I only get a 5% on the paper, please let me pass this class!!!!
So what a fucking day right? I am so grateful for my Grandma's pain meds and my lovely BFF, who made me feel better and is nothing but helpful and I made stay up until he could hardly stay awake. I love you friend! You are my favorite support system, and the best comforter ever. I miss your hugs so bad, because they just make everything better. I know I am insane and a whiner, and a pain in the butt, and I complain about everything to you, I'm sorry, one day I'll be normal <3 well... as normal as I get lol but at least I can do the same for you. Because you are the bestest person in my life right now, and I am so grateful to have you. I really appreciate you and all the support you have given me. You truly put a smile on my face, even when days are like this. And this is why I love you, because you really do try to make me happy.
I should really get to bed. But since the drugs are starting to wear off... and I am going to be hating life some more in the morning. I hope momma hurries up here, and I hope she gets to see uncle Brett go. It's terribly sad. I have never experienced anything like this. It is painful to see someone just die, and you can't do anything about it. There is nothing anybody can do to stop it. I know he'll be in Heaven, and he won't be hurting anymore, and he'll be okay. But what about those he leaves behind. His little boy, at 8 years old, doesn't understand that soon his daddy won't be here. And so I am up,praying. Giving prayers of thanks because we got to see him still breathing, because I have my friend to support me, and thanking God that mom is coming. I am praying my mom gets here soon, praying he makes it one more day, praying for healing for my Grandma, and the family. I am praying that my ear stops hurting, and I am praying that I have enough strength to keep my head on straight for my mom. Because she's going to need me. I have to be my dad since he isn't here. I have to be able to get correct information as to what we are doing and what we have to take care of. I owe her that, and I owe uncle Brett that.
So even though it's 3am, and I have to be up and ready by 7 when mom gets here, and get going by 8 when he gets transferred to the Hospice center. And the day is going to be very, very long... And my ear hurts... and the other one is starting to hurt. So here I am up, comforting my Grandma, typing this up, praying and in my underwear and a cami, because I didn't bring clothes. So for now I bid you adieu, because tomorrow is going to be a long day. And I might have to be the strong one for tomorrow. Even with my achy ear...
Love you guys, I appreciate you all, and I am glad to have you guys in my life. <3
P.S. How is it that I had no trouble typing this out but I wanted to cry about a little 1000 word essay. I'm such a sissy... in all fairness my ear hurts... in case you didn't know
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
l'espiritdel'escalier {French}
-idiom
1. The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.
Don't do this to yourselves friends. I advice against it, manly because many a night it has kept me wide awake. Tonight might be one of those nights. The inability to say what is on your mind then and there, and then all the good comebacks come flowing about late at night. Like they were there the whole time, your brain was just too slow to respond with said comebacks. Too afraid to come out of hiding, just like you were too afraid to speak up. Chickenshit thoughts. Cowards, where were you when I needed you? And so you blame the words.
Is it easier to left things unsaid, for fear of the answer? Hmm only if you want that question to haunt you. What if? What if you would've spoken up? What if you would've taken that chance? Was it worth staying quiet? Why are you still thinking about it? Ah, but we forget there are two sides to a coin. Did you really want that answer? What if it wasn't something you hoped for? Was losing someone worth it? Would it have been better to just suffer quietly?
Such is the conflicted mind. The thing with risks, whether or not you chose to take them, they are ultimately life changing. For better or for worse. You never know what you're gonna get eh? How's that for a real life box of chocolates. Well just FYI, most of them are unpleasant and leave the bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes the better comes disguised as a worse. Some loss should always be expected in order to gain. C'est la vie. The thing with that also, life sucks when your expectations aren't met.
You know when you are so sure things are going to turn out a certain way, and then they don't. Well, shit. What are you gonna do then? So is it better not to expect anything? To lower your expectations? And yet you feel almost devalued when you do that. But you can't keep your expectations too high that no one else can reach them. Second guessing yourself isn't very fun, now is it.
But you do it, for the sake of the second and third parties, you do it. You just want to please everyone. Admit it, you even want to please yourself. Oh if life were only to work that way, would be nice huh. Flip the switch, clap your hands- everyone is happy. Well you are only one person, and like it or not you are going to disappoint, just as much as people will disappoint you. What have you got to lose? Sometimes everything. And is that really a bad thing? Not always, but that always depends on whether or not you are a pessimist.
I'm always afraid I won't be granted another day. That might be why I wait for the sun to come up. Am I afraid of the dark? Terribly so. At least that morning light gives me comfort. So with this in mind, what if you don't have another day? What if this is it, next time you wake up, it won't be here. So you didn't get to say what you wanted to say. Would you still linger on it? If it was that important, I bet you would. Just like it keeps you awake at night. Doesn't seem to fail. Well, I'll just wait for my sunlight I guess, it hasn't failed me yet. Yet...
1. The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.
Don't do this to yourselves friends. I advice against it, manly because many a night it has kept me wide awake. Tonight might be one of those nights. The inability to say what is on your mind then and there, and then all the good comebacks come flowing about late at night. Like they were there the whole time, your brain was just too slow to respond with said comebacks. Too afraid to come out of hiding, just like you were too afraid to speak up. Chickenshit thoughts. Cowards, where were you when I needed you? And so you blame the words.
Is it easier to left things unsaid, for fear of the answer? Hmm only if you want that question to haunt you. What if? What if you would've spoken up? What if you would've taken that chance? Was it worth staying quiet? Why are you still thinking about it? Ah, but we forget there are two sides to a coin. Did you really want that answer? What if it wasn't something you hoped for? Was losing someone worth it? Would it have been better to just suffer quietly?
Such is the conflicted mind. The thing with risks, whether or not you chose to take them, they are ultimately life changing. For better or for worse. You never know what you're gonna get eh? How's that for a real life box of chocolates. Well just FYI, most of them are unpleasant and leave the bad taste in your mouth. Sometimes the better comes disguised as a worse. Some loss should always be expected in order to gain. C'est la vie. The thing with that also, life sucks when your expectations aren't met.
You know when you are so sure things are going to turn out a certain way, and then they don't. Well, shit. What are you gonna do then? So is it better not to expect anything? To lower your expectations? And yet you feel almost devalued when you do that. But you can't keep your expectations too high that no one else can reach them. Second guessing yourself isn't very fun, now is it.
But you do it, for the sake of the second and third parties, you do it. You just want to please everyone. Admit it, you even want to please yourself. Oh if life were only to work that way, would be nice huh. Flip the switch, clap your hands- everyone is happy. Well you are only one person, and like it or not you are going to disappoint, just as much as people will disappoint you. What have you got to lose? Sometimes everything. And is that really a bad thing? Not always, but that always depends on whether or not you are a pessimist.
I'm always afraid I won't be granted another day. That might be why I wait for the sun to come up. Am I afraid of the dark? Terribly so. At least that morning light gives me comfort. So with this in mind, what if you don't have another day? What if this is it, next time you wake up, it won't be here. So you didn't get to say what you wanted to say. Would you still linger on it? If it was that important, I bet you would. Just like it keeps you awake at night. Doesn't seem to fail. Well, I'll just wait for my sunlight I guess, it hasn't failed me yet. Yet...
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