Tears and Homework and Death Knocking at the door

I am hating life right now...

Middle ear infection in my left ear, so it's swollen shut and extremely painful. It is throbbing, and I always sleep on that side... So you can imagine me trying to sleep. So then, we add on the fact that I can't sleep all day because I have a paper due at midnight.Ugh I know a 1500 word paper, using at least 80 of the terms from the chapters, isn't that difficult. My ear hurts... I don't want to think right now! And it's not stressful at all knowing it's due tonight. So yeah I am avoiding it right now.
I still have not gotten my car situation under control. Ugh that is not even fun... I am not excited

Feather river hospital
530 876 7994
room 145B

So around 4pm today, my mom calls me and asks to speak to grandma immediately. In short, my aunt called my mom to tell her that my uncle wasn't going to make it past tonight. So mom calls me and grandma, and we freak out, and so Tiff, Gabe, Aunt V, grandma and me pile up in the car and drive for a whole 2 hours up to Paradise. Pretty ironic considering well, the circumstances.

The whole drive up here, I am in freaking pain, because my ear freaking hurts. And everybody smokes, and so here I am, with an awful earache inhaling more cigarette smoke, irritating my ear nose and throat some more, and so either I roll the window down, or inhale this shit... ugh. By the time we get there, to the hospital, my ear is in all kinds of pain.

And here I am carrying the guilt with me. I should've stood my ground. I shouldnt've let Judy scare me off. You know how I was supposed to grow a pair and man up and all that shit? Yeah I had to be a little puss, a couple of days after my mom left, and I let her run me off. I left Brett and Josh unprotected from her tyrannical ways. So she let him get sick, she let him just waste away. I could've stopped her. I am afraid my mom will always blame me for that, because she left me here in her place... I only lasted three days. I feel like I failed them. I should've kept my mouth shut and let Judy get her way, as long as I could stay near Brett.

As mad as I am at Judy, because it's her fault he wasn't getting his chemo. I swear I think she wants him to die... ASAP. So she has a total bitch attitude when we are trying to ask her things. We get to his room. Uncle Brett looks like death. Unfocused, out of it, pale. This is the first time I had experienced the dying process. It is so awful when you can just see the life leaving somebody. Poor uncle Brett. And then there is the dramatic kiss ass cousin there. Same one that made a scene when uncle Choy died. Misty. She is such a douche. Acting all attentive to Brett, just like she was with Choy. Brett hates her. And that's who Judy called. Before she called his mother, before she called his only sister. Hell, Harley (my Grandma's ex husband and mom's and Brett's dad) doesn't even know he's on his deathbed. I don't think he'd care, but for Brett's sake... So we come to find out, Brett has been in the hospital for a week, and nobody bothered to call us. I just wanted to flip out on them. So this Misty chick, who hasn't even been there for the bad shit, has been religiously coming to the hospital and watching Joshua. She is such a hypocrite... I don't like her one bit, and this is all before I know the uncle Choy story.

So we go to dinner, and as much as I want to enjoy my food, earache or not, this Misty chick won't stop talking. I just wanted to throw my steak knife at her... Like STFU you stupid bitch. That's how I feel about her. And Tiff hates her even more. Mom has called me more times today than she has since Aunt Virgie came and got me. Well Mom talks to aunt Virgie for a few minutes (killing my phone battery!!!)  and basically told her that if Misty is there tomorrow when she gets here she is going to beat the shit out of her. Wow... my mom's white trash side is showing lol. But still, her family is ghetto. My grandma, as much as she irritates me, I feel so bad for her. She is so sad that she has to bury her baby.

And so we get back to me. We finally get a hotel near the Hospice center, but since we didn't bring anything with us Aunt Virgie is headed back to Sacramento. And Gabe and Tiff have to go take care of their kids. So I have to get my homework in. On top of all this mess, I have to get this essay in. My head hurts, my ear feels like I am getting stabbed and I can't think and I'm upset. So I am crying my eyes out because if I don't turn this paper in I fail the course. And I don't want to fail the course, I have a freaking 98! I am so upset. And I hurt. And I am sad about uncle Brett. And angry at Judy. And worried about my mom driving up here by herself. And mad that Lexy is coming. Because I have to watch that baby. And so I am freaking out. And in pain. And my daddy isn't coming. He couldn't leave work, so the one person that I really wanted to come, because he would take care of things and get things done isn't coming. But I have to see and deal with the kids, and watch their baby.

My ear is swollen shut. So I am crying hysterically to my dad on the phone, I have BFF on Facebook, and Grandma who is irritating me... all at 11pm. Paper due in exactly one hour. I just took 800 mg of Motrin. And Grandma made me take two Vicodin and a Norco. That is usually more than enough to kill me. I would be out in about half an hour. The sad part is that I am fully functional, enough to crank out 1002 words. I just turned in the shittiest paper I have ever wrote in my life! And I turned it in 18 minutes late... eek!! Oh professor Felnangle, please don't fail me... Even if I only get a 5% on the paper, please let me pass this class!!!!

So what a fucking day right? I am so grateful for my Grandma's pain meds and my lovely BFF, who made me feel better and is nothing but helpful and I made stay up until he could hardly stay awake. I love you friend! You are my favorite support system, and the best comforter ever. I miss your hugs so bad, because they just make everything better. I know I am insane and a whiner, and a pain in the butt, and I complain about everything to you, I'm sorry, one day I'll be normal <3 well... as normal as I get lol but at least I can do the same for you. Because you are the bestest person in my life right now, and I am so grateful to have you. I really appreciate you and all the support you have given me. You truly put a smile on my face, even when days are like this. And this is why I love you, because you really do try to make me happy.

I should really get to bed. But since the drugs are starting to wear off... and I am going to be hating life some more in the morning. I hope momma hurries up here, and I hope she gets to see uncle Brett go. It's terribly sad. I have never experienced anything like this. It is painful to see someone just die, and you can't do anything about it. There is nothing anybody can do to stop it. I know he'll be in Heaven, and he won't be hurting anymore, and he'll be okay. But what about those he leaves behind. His little boy, at 8 years old, doesn't understand that soon his daddy won't be here. And so I am up,praying. Giving prayers of thanks because we got to see him still breathing, because I have my friend to support me, and thanking God that mom is coming. I am praying my mom gets here soon, praying he makes it one more day, praying for healing for my Grandma, and the family. I am praying that my ear stops hurting, and I am praying that I have enough strength to keep my head on straight for my mom. Because she's going to need me. I have to be my dad since he isn't here. I have to be able to get correct information as to what we are doing and what we have to take care of. I owe her that, and I owe uncle Brett that.

So even though it's 3am, and I have to be up and ready by 7 when mom gets here, and get going by 8 when he gets transferred to the Hospice center. And the day is going to be very, very long... And my ear hurts... and the other one is starting to hurt. So here I am up, comforting my Grandma, typing this up, praying and in my underwear and a cami, because I didn't bring clothes. So for now I bid you adieu, because tomorrow is going to be a long day. And I might have to be the strong one for tomorrow. Even with my achy ear...

Love you guys, I appreciate you all, and I am glad to have you guys in my life. <3


P.S. How is it that I had no trouble typing this out but I wanted to cry about a little 1000 word essay. I'm such a sissy... in all fairness my ear hurts... in case you didn't know