When I was going to sports rehab, I would always tell my trainer, "It hurts when I go like this," to which he would reply, "Well quit doing that!" Ain't that the truth. This kind of applies to the situation, only not really. Then, you know what else comes to mind? The definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So which one is it, kid? Little bit of both if you ask me.
I am angry. I am sad. I am lonely. But am I going back to what hurts? What do I expect to be different? Right. This is just one of those things, I guess. So, how much am I losing? How much will I regret it later? And then the uglier questions, the ones that are filled with doubt. Are you being your prideful, stubborn self again? Didn't you promise to be a good friend? Hold up your end of the bargain then, suck it up.
Worse is knowing you can't. Can't or Won't?
So, cry it out now? Let it burn, move on, keep going, forget it. Forget it. That's not going to be easy. Or do what you always do. Forgive.
I created my little shut down world in which I only let a few people in. Four to be exact. Not one of you, knows the next. None of you my family, and yet I trust you much more than I do them. Dee and Beccah, you two live too far away.
Dee, you're always on the go, chasing whatever dream comes at you that week. You know what you want right off the bat, and you are constantly accomplishing your goals. I love that about you, because there are things you do, that I'm too chicken for.
Beccah, you're a hot mess, and I love you like crazy, but you are a spitfire. You shoot first, ask questions later. You live every day like it was to be your last, and by doing so your life is a giant adventure. To me, that's effing scary. And I admire your bravery.
Elle, you're a mom and a wife first but you still checked up on me every now and again. And all in all, you manage to get every duck in a row. Mrs. Octopus, I call you. So much to do, and very little time, but at the end of the day, everything gets tended to.
And then there's you, Cal. My bestest of friends, my go to guy, the one I esteem the most, not because you're a guy (really girls, that's not it.) Something else I can't explain. You are Mrs. Darling's kiss (read Peter Pan.) My comfort, my confidant, my bear. You are my security blanket, when everything else is falling apart, you are constantly there, even if it was just in text. At least I was in someones thoughts.
So, with two of the four too far away for me to seek comfort in, one busy with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living... stupid nursing school...) and the last, well I think I have lost. You first three are lucky, even though I love you all very much, we never will get romantically involved. As for you Cal, we certainly went about things ass-backwards. More than once.
Now, each and every one of you have gone through a falling out phase with me. We have had our fights. And we have always looked passed what we did to piss each other off. Because that's what people do, when they truly care about their relationships, they work on them, they value them, they care for them and make them work, no matter what. And nobody's perfect. I probably still hold a tiny bit of a grudge from whatever it is we fought about. I'm not some sort of holy forgiver person, it's just what I was taught to do, only when I truly value a friendship. Beccah pulled my hair when she moved out (yes I still remember, and even though it kinda still makes me mad, it also makes me laugh... admit it, you chuckled) and you always stole my clothes. You were the most irritating roommate ever, but I miss your face. Dee knocked me out during softball practice and stole my boyfriend... once and twice, respectively. But I chose to keep you as my friend, because I loved you more than I loved them. Elle, you do no wrong, I wish we were closer. Last but not least, Cal. Well... you know.
I have asked advice from 3/4 of you. Here are the answers I got (yes I copied and pasted them from our facebook convo's): Dee said, "You know what I think? Besides you being an idiot, you are seriously letting this dude walk all over you, because he knows you will never say no. You think you are being the stronger person by being all forgiving, but you are only hurting yourself. And you are making yourself the victim. You are like that woman in an abusive relationship, that covers for the very person that is abusing her."
Beccah wants to kill my only male reader... and not just kill, but torture. In her own words, "with something hard and sand papery..." In all seriousness, her advice was: "Dude, I know you are hurting right now, but how much more do you want to drag it out? You know you are just saying it's okay for him to keep doing this shit right? It's still your choice, but I'm worried about you. Let it burn, it's for the best."
Elle said: "This situation sucks. Forgiving someone is also pretty liberating. Remember that, from church? Matthew 5:22-24 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Not trying to scare you into it, but when you are called to give, that means everything. That means your forgiveness, your unconditional love, and your patience too. Two wrongs don't make a right. So, yeah we would all turn around and say 'Forget this,' especially something like this situation. But remember, you have been forgiven more than once, that's what makes it so important for you to do the same."
Ball's in my court now. Because, either I stick to my guns and just lose you, and not just lose you but completely delete you from my life or I do what an insane person would. And all the while, I hate being mad at you. Because every day that goes by, is another day that we grow apart. I grow angrier, slowly, you'll stop trying. And we'll both forget.
I will never understand my sense of compassion. No, I don't make myself the martyr, but I keep putting myself in these situations where I know for sure I will get hurt. Again. And then I think, well what's the point of anything if you have no one to share it with? Well, no one that really cares. This is why I try and make things work, because each one of you happens to be specifically special to me, and losing you would in turn kind of lose me. I draw strengths from each one of you, you are my odd collection of friends. No two alike, and each one of you a huge part of what makes me, me. So if I am more than willing to take a bullet for any one of you, I also will gladly put aside any differences we had/ have/ will have. Along with that comes the more complex stuff... am I prepared for what comes with forgiveness.
So since I have shared everyone else's opinion I'm now asking for yours. What do you think? Take yourself out of the situation, and pretend this is someone else, what advice would you give me? Give me something other than your sorries, right now I'm too pissed off to see them. What is it that you want me to do with you? In all seriousness, how much does this friendship mean to you, because to me it means the world. But I'm also starting to feel like it's not worth it. What's it going to be?
Your ball.
P.S. I really do want to be left alone for a while guys, so although I appreciate the calls, texts and countless other ways you are trying to reach me, I just need to be left alone. All you guys know I don't listen to my voice mails, ever. And if I send you to voice mail, after not answering your texts all day... obviously I don't want to talk. So Dee stop calling my house, it's irritating my dad. And Beccah, as much as I appreciate you offering for me to come live in Vegas, no effing way am I pulling another leave Arizona with what I got stunt. That shit only works for you, and besides... we discovered after a whole miserable year that we can't ever be roommates again. And Cal, stop apologizing because you are making me beyond mad. Here's what I need you to do: either be proactive about this or seriously leave me alone.
I'm sorry for sounding bitchy guys, but just please leave me alone for a while? Thanks.
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