The show goes on...

No matter what you go through, no matter what you're in to, no matter what was said and done... the show goes on ladies and gentlemen. Life goes on. Maybe you don't want to be part of it anymore, too bad. It'll go on with or without you. See, we came into this world alone. So um, yeah you are alone. Not a bad thing at times. You see everyone slipping away from you? They come and go. People, I mean. You play the same role in other's lives. Maybe you were only supposed to be there for a small season. Maybe for the rest of somebody's life. But everyone is temporary. Remember being a kid and promising to be best friends forever? Except for life happened and forever was a very short while, when you look at it that way. You drifted away, not because you wanted it that way, but that's just the way life happened.

Life. It will knock you down, multiple times. It enjoys doing that I guess. Because when you feel like you are on top of the world, you'll more than likely get knocked the fuck down. It sucks. People suck. That's what makes life suck. I am slowly beginning to accept the fact that people sincerely suck. Don't you wish everything was black and white. That you could just tell what people are thinking, so you can avoid certain things. Like heartbreak. The worst emotion out there, the one that keeps you lingering on the what if's, the why's, the should of's, would of's, could of's. Thinking and rethinking the ways you could of fixed a situation. Avoided heartbreak. Then again, the world doesn't work the way I want it to. Never has, never will... I guess that's a good thing...

I used to think I was just like my dad. He loves and gives so much, so he's got a bit of a temper, and he's a retired drug dealer in Mexico, his good always outweighed his bad. And I come to find out I'm more like my mom. She shows little emotion, is passive aggressive and hardworking and bottles things up. Maybe I have a bit of both. But I am more like my mom. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I remember when she used to love on us. I remember her loud lively laugh. Someone definitely took that away from her. I remember our life was good. Then a lot of bad things happened. I know she resents me, they all do in some form or another. Because I got away from it, not that it was my choice, but I did. And I found a new family along the way.

I am complicated. I like to say that I have all these compartments about me, and different situations open different ones that decide how I am going to react. Like when I dislocated my knee or sliced my thumb in half there is minimal complaint, but let me get a paper cut, the whole town hears about it for three years. I'm a bit backwards I guess. Might be why I never fit in. Might be why people won't stay close to me, because I alienate myself. I push them out. How do you push someone away that you are chasing? Story of my life.

Aunt Virgie said something to me the other day. She said I was valuable. She said I needed to get my self esteem back. She said I needed to find someone that valued me and wanted me for me. That I didn't need to give my everything to everyone, because I was just throwing myself away. She said I deserved better. That I could do better. And all the while I didn't want to believe it. I pretended not to hear anything she said. Because it hurt that much.

Because that's who I used to be. I used to be that good, that valuable, that strong. Now, not so much. I've been knocked down. A lot of it is that I've let myself get knocked down. Maybe I am that fucked up. Where I purposely seek out those who will hurt me. I don't know. But regardless, I know that I'm doing it, and I wont stop myself. Because that would mean quitting on someone. How do you change what you were taught from an early age? That quitting on someone was wrong, that turning your back on someone wasn't okay. Even though my parents weren't spectacular, they taught me that no matter what, you rough it with somebody instead of leaving them out in the cold.

The world is cold. But how can you just sit there all warm in your comfortable bed, fully knowing that there is someone out there who is cold and hungry and has nowhere to sleep. Same when someone needs you emotionally. How can you just up and leave them. I don't know how to separate myself from it all, especially not the emotional part. Is it tearing me up inside? Yes it sure is. It always will. But I can't just turn away and run. At my expense of course.

Me and my stupid heart. Who's idea was it anyways, to give me a giver's heart? And such a transparent one at that. One that everyone can locate, hurt, damage and leave in pieces for me to try and put together. Maybe one day I'll be done giving away all the pieces, and I just won't feel anymore. That would be so nice. At least then, I could just not care anymore. And I'd at least get some peace.

And your show is going on isn't it. Who is coming to see it? Where is your audience? Will they stay till the end? Some will, some won't. And some will be there for entertainment, only a few who actually cared, only a lesser few that truly loved you and one, just one that was always there for you. The people in your life, the ones you pushed away, the ones you hurt time and time again, the ones that got tired of your apologies and your excuses: those are the ones that won't be there. Shame, because they were really something... and you purposely lost them. So, that's life.

Is life supposed to be this hurtful? I don't understand it. So i'm supposed to go on with my show, even though I lost a trapeze artist, I lost my elephant parade, I lost my clowns, I lost my tigers, and the juggling act. I am left with only myself as the entertainment. Who will stay for the show? Not many... a handful at the most. But the show must go on. Life has to keep moving, with or without you. Chose to be a spectator, choose to be a performer or even the ringleader. The show must and will go on.