Checking out

Words I couldn't say. Spare me the gory details, drop off the face of my world. I can't sit and wait for you, it'll only hurt worse. Run far away from me, leave, stay away. Life will go on, both of ours. Just stop hurting me. It only happens because I let you. I make you lie to me, I lie to myself. I force you to stay. We are only making false promises that we'll break, causing resentment. I knew your choice all along, and I didn't want to believe it. I strung myself along. Like a mosquito being lead to sure death, by the pretty light. I couldn't get away.

When you see someone drowning, don't you jump in to try and save them? But what if you can't swim? What if you can't swim anymore? What if you're exhausted, what if you didn't count on the current to be so strong, what if they didn't want your help in the first place. They will drag you down with them, and you, you will stay. Because you love them. Can you save yourself? Do you want to? Because you know you are going to lose them. No matter what you do. You don't want to live without them, but what if they could live without you. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't be a priority.

So you are now drowning. Because that's what it'll do to you. You will drown in tears, you will drown in sadness, you might even try to drown in alcohol and anything else to try and drown out all the pain. And all for what? The I didn't mean to's and the I'm sorry's lose their value. And you make irrational decisions. All because someone was stupid enough to tell you they loved you. And just the same you were stupid enough to believe it. Stupid enough to get strung along, and allow to be used and stupid enough to let them.

Me and my stupid heart. The one that cares. Stop caring, I say to it. But it is stronger than me. And then the stupid thing gets hurt, and that's when it is weaker than anything. How does that work? Then everyone else tells me to stop caring. How? How do I just stop caring, when all it does is make me hurt worse.

Fake it? Be a hypocrite? Lie? Why should I? Because it's supposed to make me feel better? There is no feeling better. With time, maybe. And I have had more than enough time. I don't want to take more time. I feel like I'm running out of time.

Go. Just go and leave me be. I'll be fine. Even if I'm not, did you really care that much in the first place? Just go on. No matter what it is you or I want to sit and say, it's not worth it. I'm tired. I don't want it anymore. You made me not want it anymore. I don't want to know.

Every word cuts deeper than it should, every thought lingers longer. And I know. I know what you are afraid to say. So go... no need for apologies, no need for long goodbyes, no need for any more... Just go. Please.